Day #20: Finding Contentment in Imperfection.

{Today's Prompt is to share something you are struggling with right now.}

I love being married. 

I do. I love it.

But I have been struggling with something the last couple weeks.

Being the perfect wife.

You know. The wife who always has a spotless house. Whose dishes are always washed, dried and put away. Whose meals are always amazing. Who always puts her makeup away as soon as she is done putting it on.

My mind knows that this is impossible. My mind knows that I don't need to be perfect. My mind knows that Andrew doesn't expect it.

But I still crave it. I feel like I need it. 

Last week it defeated me. I had a lot of training hours that went past 5pm most days. And while cooking is usually something that comes easy for me, last Friday I made chicken that turned out AWFUL. Andrew, ever the trooper, ate that nasty looking dried out chicken...while I ate Raisin Bran and pouted. That ended my feelings of complete success as a wife.

Yes, I realize how silly this all is. As I write this now, looking back on my feelings and thoughts this last week it is occurring to me that it is a pride thing. Needing to be perfect, not wanting to accept my husband's many offers to help was a sin problem. I was prideful and clinging to the belief that I HAD to be the perfect wife. I had to cook all amazing meals. I had to have a sparkling clean house all the time. All the dishes needed to be done every night and I needed to do that on my own, without the man God gave me to help me. In my mind, as I struggled this week, I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that while I am here to be a wife for Andrew...God has him here to be a husband for me. And while I stubbornly hated the sight of him doing the dishes I didn't have time to do, he is here to help me. 

Andrew and I are a team. I need to get better at learning that...how to be a part of a team. Back in Wisconsin, I was the pitcher and hitter and now I have someone else to do part of the work. One would think it would be easier for me, now that I have him...but it's like I don't know how to throw a ball and have someone else there to hit a home run. 

As I spent this weekend cleaning our apartment, I spent a lot of time thanking God for my husband. God is teaching me so much through having Andrew in my life. God has given me a husband that loves Him and wants His best for me...not perfection from me. Being able to type that sentence and know that it is true is a freeing thing for me. I need to learn how to get a tranquil heart through my relationship with the Lord, not constantly striving for a feeling of pride or needing a pat on the back for being the "perfect" wife. 

My mind returns to something we were given in high school about waiting for our future spouses...I think I published it on here a looooong time ago, but I don't have the patience to find it tonight. There was a line in it that said something like "Not til you are content with Me {God} alone will I bring you the one that I have created for you." Clearly, CLEARLY I haven't fully grasped that concept as much as I thought I had and my husband is sitting on the other side of the the room.

I think I am learning that true contentment comes when we come to the end of ourselves and can admit that we are not perfect. That we can not do it on our own. That what we should need and crave is more God...not more achievement or feelings of perfection. 

I don't know how to "gift wrap" this post more than to say that this is an issue I am literally at this moment trying to face and to overcome. I can't tell you the lesson learned because I am not sure that I have learned it fully yet. I am so thankful that my God will never be done working on me and building me into His image.

Until next time,

kt :)

Day #19: Spreading the Love!

{Today's Prompt is to list five blogs I love and why.}

I feel crazy sometimes. People just always understand why I write a blog or think it's a little weird.

Today I am HAPPY to share with you five people who DO understand! I love these ladies...I have connected off-blog with a couple of them, but I still consider all of them my friends. 

So, without further ado...meet some of my friends!

Love Woke Me Up This Morning

I love this girl! She makes me smile, laugh, and think...which is always a good combination! I am hoping we'll be able to meet in 'real life' in the somewhat near future and I am really excited about that. :) 

Emily is a gifted writer, I love the way she expresses herself. When I read her blog I sometimes feel like she is just talking to me and I love that. Please check her blog out!

a place to dwell

I love love love Katie's blog! It is a constant source of inspiration and encouragement for me. She is a beautiful writer. Her blog is one of my favorites and I read every single post she writes. It is a well balanced combination of all aspects of her life: her faith, her writing, her creativity...I just love the way she seamlessly blends those things together.

justalittlebitlouder

Stephanie's blog just makes me smile every time I read it. I love reading her blog. She has this way of writing challenging posts that make me think...but not in a "judgy" way, but like I am learning the lessons along with her. She is currently doing a challenge where she takes pictures of 101 things that make her happy this month. I might have to do that to incorporate my blog with my 1000 things list. *wheels turning* I just love her blog!

Our Little Love Bug

This is my favorite blog to read...because it's my sister's baby blog! She mostly does updates on my soon to arrive niece...but it is a great way to keep in touch now that I am so far away!

Unscripted Journey

Please check Betty's blog out! She is the blogger I have connected the most with outside of actually blogging. We lost touch a little because my life got crazy with the wedding, but I am hoping we are able to reconnect!

Day #18: Digging deeeeeeeep.

{Today's prompt is to tell a story from my childhood.}

I talked about my grandpa from Wisconsin here, but today I want to share a story confession about my California grandpa. I can't believe I am about to share this on the internet. Where the whole world can see it. Here goes nothing.

Okay so my grandpa came to live with us (and my aunt, he switched off) during the summers. My grandpa was a creature of habit. We watched PBS in the morning, but every morning at 10a the TV would be switched to the Price is Right. And then, to this day, I cannot hear the theme to The Young and the Restless without thinking of him. The he would have lunch before taking a snooze.

Well, sometimes I would take a snooze with him. One time, when I was hopefully VERY young, I was laying on the bed with him but couldn't sleep. So I looked at my sleeping grandpa instead and noticed something I never had before.

He had hair in his nose.

I remember thinking how weird that was. I had never really noticed other people having hair in their nose. My young mind couldn't be wrapped around the hair in his nose. I thought it must have just snuck up there...it couldn't possibly have GROWN there. So I decided to do my grandpa a favor.

And pull it out.

I will never forget the shocked and horrified look on my grandpa's face when he got probably the rudest awakening of his life.

In my my mind, that story is as embarrassing as when I was sitting in 6th Grade health class and the teacher told us what sex was. I was the girl that raised my hand and said "There must be another way to have babies...my parents would NEVER do something like that."

And even though there were more people there for that second story...it still ties with pulling my grandpa's nose hair out while he was sleeping.

Day #17: I like this one.

{Today's prompt is to share a favorite picture of yourself and why you like it.}

This is currently my favorite picture of myself. 

Of course Andrew's in it too.

(He makes me look better.)

I love this picture because it was taken on our honeymoon.

We were playing mini-golf.

Andrew won this time, but I got a hole in one.

(And, well, getting a hole in one is MUCH harder than beating me.)

I also love that I have my hat and sunglasses on.

Andrew bought me both earlier in the day and I LOVE them.

You can't really see it in this picture but the hat has this adorable bow on it.

I remember the day that this picture was taken every time I put on my sunglasses or wear my hat.

Looking at this picture just reminds me of the fun we had that day and makes me look forward to having fun with my best friend for the rest of my life. 

I am so happy about that. :)

Would it be hard for you to pick out a picture or would you know right away which one your favorite is?

Until next time,

kt :)

Day #16: It's not always easy...

{Today's prompt is to write about something difficult about my "lot in life" and what I am doing to overcome it}

I try to not dwell on the negative things in my life. But sometimes to deny that the negative exists is to miss out on how awesome the positive actually could be.

For me the negative for the last several years now has been my journey with depression. For me, it would come like waves. Sometimes it got better, but it never really went away. I could go into a lot of detail and tell you what my journey with depression has been like for me. But I don't really want to do that. The thing is that most of you all know what depression is like or have dealt with it yourself. I will just say that it is dark for me. It's like a cloud that just comes down over me...and it's kind of like I get those noise-blocking headphones on and all I can hear are the lies about my life, myself, my relationships, etc. You know, the bad thoughts that make you doubt you can do absolutely anything?! Yeah, it really stinks. Like beyond stinks.

Things are better right now. Life is better now. But the thing is that those two things are not related. Life could be absolutely amazing on the surface and I could still be stuck with those headphones on. I just wanted you to know that someone who has a supposedly "perfect" life could still be fighting a battle, you just can't see it. 

My depression has really been a lot better since about Christmas. God has really been working in my life. It has seriously been *boom* *boom* *boom.* One thing after another, after another. It started with me grabbing a book on tape before driving down to see Andrew for Christmas. "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. That book was the start. It lit a fire in my heart. It made me see that I was going about life and my relationship with the Lord in the wrong way. 

That fire in my heart was the start of things turning around for me. I began to see the good in my life. But more important than that, I began to recognize God as the Source of that good. That, more than anything, has changed my life over the last few months. God has been hammering that truth in my heart since Christmas.

However, I didn't always see the connection between the fire in my heart and it having anything to do with my depression. But the wonderful thing about God is that He wasn't done with me yet. When Andrew and I were going through premarital counseling we had to take these personality-type tests. I will say right now that I have never been a huge fan of personality tests but that I can definitely see the value in why we took them. It was that appointment that day that God connected the dots for me. I admitted to Andrew and my pastor that I felt like I was beyond help and that even God couldn't help my depression, that it was something I would always have to deal with. The pastor recommended a book to me called "The Spirit Controlled Temperment" by Tim Lahaye. I looked for that book that night...but it wasn't available on my Kindle. But I did see that the same author had written "How to Win Over Depression." 

I read that book in like three days. One of the main points was how an attitude of thankfulness was one of the main keys for winning depression. Naming the gifts God gives me and thanking Him for them was the fire already in my heart...linking that fire with the knowledge that feeding it was going to help me with my struggle with depression was a stronger fuel than gasoline. 

Since those things linked together for me I can honestly say that my depression has all but gone away. I still get flashes of those bad thoughts...but now I know what to do. I pull my journal out of my purse and try to write down something good about that moment or that day. Or, if I can't do that...if the lies are too loud...I read back on the blessing I had already written in there and thank God for those things again. And that ALWAYS helps me. I also have a husband who loves me and remind me to look to the Lord and dwell on the positives. God is so good to me. 

For anyone facing depression, I would encourage you to look to the Lord first. And then I would ask you to be honest with yourself and at least with one person you care about. Don't struggle alone. Find a pastor, a family member or a friend you can trust. Dig into the Bible. Friends, the Bible is God speaking to you. See it that way every time you open it. It IS truth and it WILL speak to your heart. I would also recommend "One Thousand Things" and "How to Win Over Depression" be added to your bookshelf. Dwell on the positives that God has given you.

If anyone has any personal questions or anything they want to talk about, you can always shoot me an email at kt@amillionlittlesomethings.com.

Until next time,

kt :)