Day #25: Something said.

{This is a combination of two prompts. Day #22, which was to rant and Day #25, which is to share something said about you, positive or negative, and how it affected you.}

When I was in high school, I really struggled with depression and suicidal ideation.

Which made social interaction with my peers rather, ummm, strained at best and impossible at worst.

That said, I was able to attract other struggling people to me like flies to honey.

Misery loves company I guess. 

Well, I, in the depths of my struggle, went on a mission trip to the inner-city of Minneappolis.

The trip with my church youth group had the chance to be a turnaround for me.

Unfortunately, it was not. It turned into one of the most hurtful weeks of my life then.

One of the issues was that we partnered with another church and there was this girl that came that was worse than me on the suicidal ideation scale, if there is such a thing.

Misery loves company. 

I think depression and suicide and hopelessness was all me and her talked about that week.

If that wasn't bad enough, I only remember one other interaction from that entire week.

You see, somewhere deep down I knew that wallowing with that girl was wrong and was hurting me.

I decided I needed a break one night so I joined some of my peers.

I don't remember what preceded the comment but I will never forget what was said.

How she whirled her head around at me, like she was sooo much better.

Glared.

And called me a retard.

Ever since that moment in time, all those years ago, I have HATED that word.

That was long before I went to school for human services.

It was long before I started helping people who couldn't help themselves.

But, in some small way, I think that girl being a jerk to me that day fueled the passion I now have for people with special needs.

Imagine.

Even aside from my opinion about using retarded to talked about cognitive or developmental disabilities.

(Which I am not okay with either.)

Imagine having what you ARE, what you have no choice about, being used to put someone else down.

I have very little patience for that.

I am normally not judgmental, but you use the r-word and red flags will be flying around like crazy.

Use it too much and, I'm sorry, but we won't be friends.

There it is.

My rant and my bad memory. 

Day #24: Facing it down.

{Today's prompt was to list my three worst traits.}

1. As said yesterday, my complete inability to see the good in myself. But thanks to the things my husband told me, I am actually struggling to think of three that are real...that are not just bad things that I see in me. But I feel as though my eyes are starting to open to the fact that there is good to see...good to try to grow and develop. This journey to see the positive that God has placed in me is not going to be an overnight change...but it is one of the biggest things that need to change right now.

2. My struggle with making and keeping goals. Goals, in my opinion, are vital. They keep you moving forward and growing. It is easier to work when you are trying to work towards something. That said, I am bad at identifiying, making and keeping goals. It struck me as I was going through my archived posts, for example, HOW MANY TIMES I blogged about getting fit and losing weight. Now. I have lost weight since the first time I blogged about that...but nothing in my life (besides lactose intolerance) has really changed. I want to get better at making small goals that I can make and meet.

3.  Ummm...those are the biggest two. I don't want to think of anymore tonight. Dwelling on the positives! :)

Day #23: Failure?

{Not using prompt}

So.

I did not post yesterday.

I will not be able to say that I blogged everyday in May like I SOOOO wanted to.

I was sick. I got beat up at work. It was just a rough day. 

(I'm fine now.)

But on top of having a rough day, I got home and realized that I had nothing to post.

I felt like a failure.

World class failure.

I realized something yesterday as I felt so defeated.

Why could I be a "glass half full" person when it came to situations...

but a completely empty glass when it came to myself?

This blog is simply a part of my life.

But I let my failing at this goal of blogging every day make me look back at every other failure.

And feel like I was incapable of meeting any goals.

Or even of making the right ones.

But as I pouted this time I realized I had something I never had before.

A husband who wouldn't let me.

A husband who, as I sat and felt pretty bad about myself, listed everything good about me.

Everything good.

Good.

Good, when I couldn't see it even existing.

I feel like I should have a huge blog post right now with some dazzling insight.

But the insight hasn't fully blossomed. 

I have started learning something from this "failure."

That I need to get better at seeing my success.

Sometimes failure has this way of pointing you in the direction you need to be going.

So I will be back tomorrow too.

I am not giving up on my goal. 

30 days out of the month is amazing.

That's what Andrew says.

And that is the voice I am listening to tonight.

Until next time,

kt :)

Day #21: Looking back

{Today's prompt is to share a list of my favorite archived posts.}

So I LOOOOVE that this post *almost* coincides with my 300th BLOG POST!

I want to take a second to thank you, my friends, for reading my little piece of the internet.

I wouldn't be blogging if not for you. All these thoughts would be in some journal somewhere.

So thank you.

A Word on Whole Person Care

A Love Left

A Desire of my Heart <---Post Andrew used to propose to me :)

A Different Way of Seeing

A Christmas Tradition

The Path I Want to Walk

Binder Basics

Abigail

Seven Months

I didn't spend too much time doing this post...I just glazed over the blog and added the ones that stood out.

Enjoy!

Until next time, 

kt :)

Day #20: Finding Contentment in Imperfection.

{Today's Prompt is to share something you are struggling with right now.}

I love being married. 

I do. I love it.

But I have been struggling with something the last couple weeks.

Being the perfect wife.

You know. The wife who always has a spotless house. Whose dishes are always washed, dried and put away. Whose meals are always amazing. Who always puts her makeup away as soon as she is done putting it on.

My mind knows that this is impossible. My mind knows that I don't need to be perfect. My mind knows that Andrew doesn't expect it.

But I still crave it. I feel like I need it. 

Last week it defeated me. I had a lot of training hours that went past 5pm most days. And while cooking is usually something that comes easy for me, last Friday I made chicken that turned out AWFUL. Andrew, ever the trooper, ate that nasty looking dried out chicken...while I ate Raisin Bran and pouted. That ended my feelings of complete success as a wife.

Yes, I realize how silly this all is. As I write this now, looking back on my feelings and thoughts this last week it is occurring to me that it is a pride thing. Needing to be perfect, not wanting to accept my husband's many offers to help was a sin problem. I was prideful and clinging to the belief that I HAD to be the perfect wife. I had to cook all amazing meals. I had to have a sparkling clean house all the time. All the dishes needed to be done every night and I needed to do that on my own, without the man God gave me to help me. In my mind, as I struggled this week, I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that while I am here to be a wife for Andrew...God has him here to be a husband for me. And while I stubbornly hated the sight of him doing the dishes I didn't have time to do, he is here to help me. 

Andrew and I are a team. I need to get better at learning that...how to be a part of a team. Back in Wisconsin, I was the pitcher and hitter and now I have someone else to do part of the work. One would think it would be easier for me, now that I have him...but it's like I don't know how to throw a ball and have someone else there to hit a home run. 

As I spent this weekend cleaning our apartment, I spent a lot of time thanking God for my husband. God is teaching me so much through having Andrew in my life. God has given me a husband that loves Him and wants His best for me...not perfection from me. Being able to type that sentence and know that it is true is a freeing thing for me. I need to learn how to get a tranquil heart through my relationship with the Lord, not constantly striving for a feeling of pride or needing a pat on the back for being the "perfect" wife. 

My mind returns to something we were given in high school about waiting for our future spouses...I think I published it on here a looooong time ago, but I don't have the patience to find it tonight. There was a line in it that said something like "Not til you are content with Me {God} alone will I bring you the one that I have created for you." Clearly, CLEARLY I haven't fully grasped that concept as much as I thought I had and my husband is sitting on the other side of the the room.

I think I am learning that true contentment comes when we come to the end of ourselves and can admit that we are not perfect. That we can not do it on our own. That what we should need and crave is more God...not more achievement or feelings of perfection. 

I don't know how to "gift wrap" this post more than to say that this is an issue I am literally at this moment trying to face and to overcome. I can't tell you the lesson learned because I am not sure that I have learned it fully yet. I am so thankful that my God will never be done working on me and building me into His image.

Until next time,

kt :)