A Poem.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street. 
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk 
I fall in. 
I am lost ... I am helpless. 
It isn't my fault. 
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street. 
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 
I pretend I don't see it. 
I fall in again. 
I can't believe I am in the same place 
but, it isn't my fault. 
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street. 
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 
I see it is there. 
I still fall in ... it's a habit. 
my eyes are open 
I know where I am. 
It is my fault. 
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street. 
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

The poem is found here.

Recommended here. I love this blog. My layout was inspired by her blog. Thanks for the inspiration Jules!

An Essay.

Yes, my friends. I am about to give you a school paper. Actually, it was my reply to an essay question. I think it is one of the best pieces I have written in a long time. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

~~~

                As a part of my job, I am around the elderly constantly. I see the effects of aging on people and their spirits. It has got me thinking more than once about what effect aging will have in my life. Who will I be in 60 years? What will 83 year old Kayleigh look like?? I don’t know, and quite honestly I don’t like to think about it. It’s not that I am afraid of getting old and shrink at the thought, but I guess I am just more focused on living right now. Hopefully that will help be become a well rounded older adult someday. If you live life in fear of the future you’ll spend your future regretting your past.

                When I think about how I would “like” to physically age, I guess the natural thought is that I do not want to physically age. I want to be the same active and quite healthy Kayleigh that I am right now. But my own experience tells me that just isn’t a possibility. I will have issues someday, everyone will. There are things we can do now to help our bodies stay healthy and strong as long as possible. Maintaining a healthy weight, for example, is very important.  People are realizing that the weight we carry around our middles can have drastic implications on our cardio health in the future.  Prioritizing healthy living now is a good way to prolong it into the future. Personally, due to health issues, I am Gluten Free. And while it is not the goal of this drastic and recent life change, I have lost weight as a result.  I am learning basic concepts of nutrition and trying to apply that knowledge to the decisions I make when I sit down to eat. I have also been doing a lot of walking and hope to start cycling soon. I want the concepts of diet and exercise to become priorities in my life and am working hard to make that happen. The decisions I am making now and in the next few years will give me a healthier future in my older adult years.

                Aging mentally is hard to plan for because everyone ages 

differently in this area.  The mental and physical aspects of aging can sometimes work together though. Healthy physical decisions can sometimes prevent mental issues down the line. But there are no guarantees nor is there a foolproof list of dos and don’ts. I saw something that amazed me at work once (well, many, many times…but this is one story). A resident had pretty advanced Alzheimer’s, to the point that she would not acknowledge that she would have ever given birth and called her daughter her sister. One day we had an activity where we worked with the residents to make floral arrangements. “B” used to be a florist. When we sat the supplies in front of her she knew exactly what to do and made the most beautiful arrangement! And she told us that this was the first time she had ever done it. She had no conscious idea that she had done this before, but did it then with such grace.  What I got from that event is how important it is for us to have passions in our life. The things we love now will spill over and become the things we love later. The things we think of and dwell on now will consume our thoughts later. By living a life of passion and joy now, we may be a more content older adult. If we spend our time worrying, that time will increase exponentially when we are infirm and have little else to do. 

                I think that we could take it a step further and say that if we are passionate about loving people, helping them and touching lives now, it will continue to be important to us later. Even if we couldn’t admit it if we were asked. If we dedicate our lives to this, our minds may take longer to delete the abstract level of the concept. We may not be able to do our physical job anymore, but we will still have the spirit of a helper.  I think this idea will also help our social and spiritual aging processes.

                There are many steps that can be taken now to help us age with financial finesse. Saving money is probably the best thing I could do now. As I do start to get older, I know that there are so many resources that will help me prepare for my financial future. I think that the earlier you start thinking about the financial aspect of your older adulthood and the sooner you start preparing for it, the more prepared you will be.

                Dignity is such an important concept to understand as we age and as we become any kind of professionals. At my job, I see residents with dignity and residents that have allowed it to be taken away.  Dignity does not mean never having to ask for help.  It does not mean that you can’t acknowledge that you need help or that your loved one does.  I think dignity is acknowledging that you may need help sometimes and that you can ask for it and still remain who you are. The right kind of help recognizes that. The right kind of help will not make you feel foolish or even encourage your own thoughts on inability. The good caregiver is the one who can do what you can’t do but doesn’t take away your “can” in other areas.  A person who can no longer walk still has so much to offer! A person suffering with dementia may have no idea who you are, but she can draw a beautiful picture with crayons on a blank sheet of paper. Whatever your first inclination is about an elderly individual or a person with a disability you may be intimidated by what they can’t do. But friend, hold your breath! You are about to be blown away by what they can. Just because they are old or different doesn’t make them less of a person. This week I held a very beautiful two and a half year old girl with Cerebral Palsy. She can’t talk or walk or sit up. But she can smile. And laugh. And play with you. And you can tell that she want talk, walk and play with the other kids. You can almost see the frustration as she looks around at them. Don’t underestimate people or write them off because they can’t do things, look for what they can and encourage them each step of the way. That is dignity. 

A Wonderful Note.

♥ Here is the piece of prose I mentioned here. Enjoy! I hope it speaks to your heart as it has spoken to mine. Just a note: I do not know who wrote it. If you do, let me know and I will give credit where it is due. ♥

Everyone longs to give himself completely to someone- to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved throughly and exclusively. But God, to a Christian, says:

"No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone- with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me- with having an intensely personal relationship with Me alone- discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found- will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.

You will never be united with another until you are united with Me-exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things- keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you. You just wait, that's all. 

Don't be anxious, don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don't look at the things you want or think you want. You just keep looking off away up to Me, or you will miss what I want to show you. And then, when you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would dream of.

You seem until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even now to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me, and the life I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and thus, the dearest love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and enjoy maturely and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love. Know that I love you utterly. I am God Almighty- believe and be satisfied!!"

A Story.

Okay, so if you know me you know how much I love TV shows on DVD. While I was sick this past week I was hopeless and completely absorbed in Christy. I bought the series for my sister a couple years ago, but I am fairly certain that I have watched it more than she has.


There is so much I love about the show. The main character inspires me. Alice Henderson inspires me. The kids give me hope. I know it sounds corny of me to love this show so very much, but there is just something about it that captures my heart. It shows how much is possible if we do what we are scared of and perservere through the hard times. It shows how much God loves us. And that He is consistently testing us. It shows us the depravity and hope that is in humanity. But what I think is most striking about the show is that a small group of people can do a seemingly insurmountable tasks and change lives in the greater community that they live in if they are within God's will.


This would probably be a good time for me to say that I love the romance in the show as well. I always loved Neil McNeil. Always. No one else in my family understood that. He was married. He was not a Christian. But I loooved him. I guess the hopeless (yes, hopeless) romantic in me wanted to believe that God can work anything out if it is His will...even love. Hopeless romantic or not, I believe that. But watching the show you never find out who she decides. It ends with her having to decide between Neil and David. Boom. End of show.


NOTE: If you ever write a TV show and decide to end it that way, I will hate you. Okay, hate is a little strong, but I will have a firm and unwavering disdain for you. Just so you know.


However....tonight I watched this. Yes, I know that the guy who plays Neil is the only main character in the movie who is played by the same actor (the wonderful Stewart McLennen). And that is only partly the reason I watched it. I wanted to see how they played the end of the story out. I might have teared up a little. And here is why:

God found Neil. Christy was ill with a fever and the two of them were stranded in a cabin during a storm. His bedside prayer over Christy was phenomenal. Not that salvation prayers have to be all grand and gussied, but Neil's showed the shear amount of faith that he had found in God. Even as the woman he loved was very ill, he recognized his sin and that only God had control. He apologized for trying to take that control away from God during his work as a doctor. And what got me the most is that he said that whether or not Christy lived (he recognized that it was only God's will) he would dedicate his life to the One who controlled it. 


And that made me think. Could I do that? I have been a Christian for about five years now. But I have known of God for much longer than that. Faced with the decision of the life of my true love or God's will, could I choose God's will? I claim to cherish His will and His guidance over my life, but faced with that decision...what would my answer be? It struck me tonight that maybe that is why I have not been in a serious relationship. Maybe God knows that I wouldn't choose Him and He is trying to mold me into the woman who would. I remember something that I was given in high school. It was a wonderful piece of prose. One line has always stuck with me:


"No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone- with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me- with having an intensely personal relationship with Me alone- discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found- will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you."


I have never admitted this before, but friends I am not there yet. I am not. I desperately want to be, but not because I want a husband. I want to be there because I have a great God. The movie and Neil's conversion really made me think. I have been so consumed with life and other things that I have all but neglected my Savior. Not any more. Lord help me! I never want to neglect Him again. He is worth more than I could ever give Him if I tried my very hardest every day. And I haven't even been trying. 


Pray for me!

A Pebble.

I love the concept of river rocks. A rock can start out large and rough and sharp edged. But if you take that rock and throw it in the river it can go through a metamorphosis of sorts. As the water flows over it and around it and sometimes under it, it works as a wonderful flowing piece of sandpaper. After time, the rock turns into a beautiful pebble. Its edges are rounded and its rough spots smoothed.

It is a violent and thought provoking process. What is most important in this process? Is it the rock or is it the river? Today I would like to think that it is time. But before you disagree, hear me out!

I have been sitting her today thinking about slip ups and how hard it is to start a new good habit or diminish the power of a bad one. Look at it this way: If a rock decided it didn't like its rough exterior it could roll on down to a stream or river and plop itself into it. Jumping into a river could be a good decision if the rock truly wants to change. But maybe the rock didn't know how painful it would be or how long it would take. Maybe the rock didn't like to remember what it was missing out on. The rock could decide to get out of the stream. Or, my favorite, someone may not like the decision the rock made and pluck it out before it is done changing. While some parts of the rock may have changed, the transformation failed to be completed.

I realize I may have been grabbing for straws by giving stones logic and the ability to decide things for themselves, but keep reading.

When it comes to anything related to my diet, I am that little stone. I make a really good decision about how I am going to treat my body, but I always end up slipping up for various reasons. "A quarter pounder sounds SOOO good right now." "But mom, how could you make my favorite, you know I'm on a diet...oh well, let's eat." "I may be feeling better because of my diet but I have a vicious cold....what difference does it make." The list goes on. I sometimes joke that women are the queens of rationalizing, if nothing else! I most certainly am. I can rationalize my way out of any good decision lickity split. "Ice Cream is a DAIRY product." "There is FRUIT in my strawberry milkshake." Etc... It's quite pathetic actually.

Well, I have been loving how going g-free has affected my various ailments. SOOO happy. But this week, I had the king of all colds. I NEEDED chicken noodle soup. So I made chicken noodle soup. If I had stopped at the soup, this blog entry would never have existed. I had already had the soup...the creamed eggs on toast is sooo good. I goofed up that day, what's one more day? So for the past three days I have been eating gluten. Even though I had the best reason in the world not to (my health!) I did. Well, my cold cleared up...just in time to feel absolutely nasty right now. From here on out, I am g-free!

And I think I will find some g-free chicken noodle soup to keep on hand...just in case.

A Lot of Love.

I am recovering from being sick (so sick I had to call in to work) and need some cheering up, so today I want to take some time to list 50 things that I love. Long list, I know. They are in no particular order. :) Enjoy!

1. Walking barefoot in the summer.
2. Smiley music (like In Between Dreams or Everybody).
3. Snuggling with babies.
4. Hearing stories from the elderly.
5. Jokes that are actually funny. And that don't make fun.
6. Meeting someone, finding out we share the same faith and bonding over that. Instantly.
7. Twitter!
8.Cute Overload.
9. Pens with gel ink.
10. Those really expensive water balls with glitter in them. I don't own one, but think they are pretty awesome.
11. Bodies of water. Lakes, oceans, streams, ponds....love it all!
12. Books I can read a million times and never get sick of (like Redeeming Love or The Chronicles of Narnia the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe ).
13. Colorful sunsets.
14. Snow, when the sun makes it sparkle or it looks like glitter as it falls. (The only times I like the stuff, lol)
15. Thinking about my future hubby.
16. TV on DVD!
17. Country music. Don't be a hater. Some of it is pretty great!
18. Watching Lidia's Italy.
19. Scrambled eggs. I love scrambled eggs!!
20. Reading a book while the rest of the boat fishes.
21. Blogging!
22. Full bookshelves.
23. Chick flicks. I am not completely adverse to crying during movies.
24. Memories of friendships and moments that make me smile.
25. Puppies!
26. Trying to figure out who random actors are in movies...like what other movies they had been in.
27. My job!

28. Um, decopage. DUH.
29.  TV's with amazingly good picture. (Do I own one? No.)
30. My whole family! I loooove staying in touch with my extended family too!
31. Skype rocks my sox!
32. Getting thoughtful emails.
33. Seeing answered prayers.
34. Loving on my friends!
35. That soft spot on a horse's nose.
36. Going to the movie theater. Even if I have to go alone, which isn't often. My friends are always great for movies! :)
37. Biggby Coffee...Teddy Bear, Carmel Marvel, Apple Cider
38. My momma's spaghetti.
39. Traveling!
40. Daydreaming about my multi-purpose Human Services geared ranch. Horses and helping...the perfect combo. *sigh*
41. Boston Terriers!
42. Blasting the music in the car!
43. Rain and thunderstorms!
44. Sketching...even though I am not very good.
45. Amazon!
46. Window shopping! Which sometimes ends in buying something...I like that too!
47. The thought of graduating in five weeks!!
48. When people I love are proud of me.
49. Having a queen sized bed!! I highly doubt I will be able to go back to a twin now.... lol
50. Jesus Christ and what He did for me on the cross. I will love Him forever and always for that...and it still won't be enough. He deserves so much more than I can give....but He loves me anyway. That, my friends is true Love. ♥

A Confession.

Confession: I am hopelessly addicted to buying workout dvd's and hopelessly not committed to doing them.

I guess this little part of me thinks that I get "skinny points" just for buying them. I will try every video once. But sadly, that is about it.

Here's a quick run down:
The Firm Wave Kit
Leslie Sansone - Walk Away the Pounds - Super Fat Burning - 3 Miles
10 Minute Solution: Knockout Body Workout Kit w/Weighted Gloves
Yoga Booty Ballet Complete Workout System
Dance Off the Inches - 15 Minute Express

Pathetically enough, the list goes on. It was just too depressing adding more to the list. By themselves, the dvd's all have the potential to do great things. Unfortunately for them, they ended up at my house where they sit in my dvd binder and give me a guilt trip every time I look for a movie.

Every time I buy a dvd, I have the best intentions. Really, really, I do! I make a purchase because I want to be healthy. I make a purchase because I want to get to a healthy weight. I make a purchase because I want to look better. I make a purchase because I want to be an "after" photo.

But friends, I have guiltily learned something. Spending tons of money on dvd's doesn't make any of that stuff happen. Only I can make that stuff happen. Only dedication and commitment make that stuff happen.

I just haven't had it. I could right now a long list of excuses. Some of them are valid concerns. Others are completely bogus.

As I am enjoying a first evening sitting in my room with the windows open...it kind of struck me. It is spring! What better time to gain things like dedication and commitment than this wonderful time of year when you know things will only get warmer! I know that it won't happen just because it is spring. I know myself well enough to know that right off of the bat. But going gluten free has me feeling so much better than I have in the last few months. I am still working out the kinks, but the more I work on it the better I will feel! It's kinda like spring for me. I am really excited about this.

So I was thinking about taking the next step with this whole "Spring of Me" thing. My thought is to try to exercise for at least a half hour a day. Whether it's riding my bike to work, taking an evening walk or breaking out a dvd.