There has been one really good thing about this month, but that is my little secret. :)
But as a whole, I have felt like the little pumpkin in that picture. Like something was eating me and I couldn't quite tell what it was.
I fell on my face with budgeting. Like seriously, I really messed up. It really opened my eyes to opening my eyes and using my brain while spending money. I have worked out a budget and a plan for next month and the foreseeable future. I am determined that this will never happen again. And you know, the thing is that I have to get this in line. Not only for me but for my future. I am being honest about this because I really like my blog to be about life as a twenty something single girl who is trying to get her feet on the ground. While I am trying to get my feet on the ground I trip up sometimes. This is one of those times. I am learning as I go sometimes, this area has been a challenge for me but I am committed to succeeding in every area of my life. It's been hard now that I have the apartment. Not only do I have to write a horribly painful rent check every month, but it is really hard because when I am shopping I see cute things for the apartment and I really want to buy the cute things for the apartment. I need to get better at not doing that. And I will, I know I will. It's just a hard lesson to learn, you know?
Also, for about a week this month I thought I was going to go back to school to be a nurse. We got a discount from work on school and the signs were all up and saying "Dude, you don't want to be working here forever...call us, call us, call us." or "Dude, today was bad bad bad at work. Call us." So I did. And I was entranced by how the school treated me. I was entranced by someday being a nurse. I was entranced by the chance at more money. And, oddly enough, I was entranced by the thought of being in school again. I had convinced myself I was okay with waiting another two years for anything that I wanted to happen to happen. I had convinced myself I was okay with going into debt. I got really excited. Really excited. And then...I fell on my over hopeful face. (Lots of face plants this month, lol!) It turns out the school I was looking at was rather unconventional...they admit 12 people ONLY per quarter and then you go through the ENTIRE program with the same 12 people. Which means part time is not an option and there is zero flexibility with it at all. So in order to do it, I would have to quit my job and take EVERYTHING out in loans. I am 24 years old. That is not something I am willing to do. Especially when I am hoping not to have to work full time forever. It just doesn't make sense for me to do it. I know, you are probably thinking I jumped the gun with getting excited!! But a life without possibility feels pretty bleak. And for bit my life did feel that way. Working hurt. It felt dead ended. It felt menial. I just felt like some care-giving robot. I got over that, thank goodness. It is still hard sometimes. It is. But it is because it is hard, just because of the challenges that it presents on a client basis and coworker basis. But I love what I do. I love working with my clients. I really do.
And, on another point. Please don't tell me my job is hard. Please don't tell me you don't know how I do it. Please don't tell me you could never do it. Please don't tell me to not get overworked. Please do not tell me you need to pray for me more because my life is so demanding. It is my life. I chose it. I am trying really hard to love to. But people, you guys telling me ALL THE TIME how hard and demanding it is....makes it very hard. Going to work everyday is my life right now. I don't have a husband. I don't have babies. I don't have pets. I only have cactus'. And they are somewhat okay with being sometimes neglected. I DON'T HAVE DEMANDS OUTSIDE OF WORK, IT IS OKAY TO HAVE A DEMANDING JOB. My job asks a lot of me, but I love what I do so I am willing to step up. Yes, sometimes I may complain about working a lot. Tell me it will be okay. Yes, sometimes I may become painfully exhausted. Just be there for me. Don't tell me to work less. Most of the time that is not an option. Don't tell me to be sure to get some rest or slow down, because sometimes I don't have time.
I really need the support of the people in my life. But I need the right kind of support. Point me towards the positive and towards hope. Try not to let me dwell on how bad things may look at the time. Put in a dvd of The Office and let me laugh. Make me get dressed up and go to the mall or something. You can listen to me vent if I need to but please remind me that I have a great God that will get me through this (whatever "this" happens to be at the time) and that He won't give me more than I can do with His help. And I can do anything with Him, you know?
That was most of October, just kind of discouraging and humbling. I haven't been blogging a lot because it is just hard when I have been in such a funk. I am coming out of it with the help of some friends! I laughed until I cried with some girls the other night...I haven't had so much fun in a long time! I treasure the few true friendships that I have after what has proven to be a tough, tough few months in that department. God brings me what I need, when I need it. I am so thankful. So, so very thankful.
Funny, I wasn't expecting this blog post to end that way. :)
