An Irrational Fear.

I have an old friend who almost committed a violent crime with a gun.

By the grace of God, the gun did not go off when it was pointed at the girl or at himself.

But I have a old friend who pulled the trigger of a gun when it was pointed at his head. He waved the gun around a terrified girl. She got away, but he passed out drunk in a closet...starting a hours long standoff with the police.

Also by the grace of God, I was not that girl.

For some reason he has been on my thoughts again lately. It's just one of those things. Like, you think you are okay and then sadness just hits you again. I start wondering where he is at now, what his life looks like and if he has found forgiveness from the Lord for his actions. I wonder if I should get back in touch, but God has given me peace about not being active in his life. I will always love him as my troubled brother, but he won't have a chance to hurt me again.

The thing is, guns scare me so badly now. I am not anti-gun. But guns terrify me. I see one and I see my friend. I see the day that he purchased the gun he used in the criminal incident. I feel that gun in my hand as I shot at targets in the field. I see the strange pride in his eyes when he held it. And I get this picture of him holding it to his head and pulling the trigger. I don't want to see guns. I don't want to see people excited about guns. I don't want to see young boys trying to shoot each other with air-soft guns. Especially when I watch them get excited that it looks like a real gun or is super automatic or whatever.

Maybe someday I will get over this irrational fear. As I said, I am not anti-gun. Guns have their place. I am okay with hunting. I have no problem with it. It is just that right now, I don't want any part in it.

Because I have an old friend.

A Cracked Pot.

{I hope you enjoy this story if you haven't heard it before. I was cleaning my room and found it written on a piece of paper...no author or anything. But it spoke to me so I wanted to share it with you.}

A Water Bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and one half pots of water in his master's house.

The perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfect, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been mad to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the Water Bearer one day by the stream,"I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you." "Why?" asked the bearer, "What are you ashamed of?" "I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all this work, and you don't get a full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The Water Bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path." Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure. The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on the side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

Each on of us has our own unique flaws. We are all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, the Lord will use our flaws to grace His Father's table. In God's great economy nothing goes to waste. So as we seek ways to minister, and as God calls you to tasks He has appointed for you, don't be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and allow Him to take advantage of them, and you, too, can be the cause of beauty in His pathway. Go out boldly, knowing that in our weakness we find His strength and that in Him every one of God's promises is a "Yes".

A Love Left.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about love lately. I have been falling in love with the Lord more and more as every day goes by.

And that has me thinking a lot about my life. And my love.

And that has me thinking of the people that I still love that I know longer know.

God has gifted my life with an extraordinarily diverse flow of people coming in an out of it. I have decided that another gift is my ability to love them. No matter what. For a long time I really really REALLY hated that gift. No matter how much people hurt me, lied to me or didn't seem to care to know me....I keep loving them. I just struggle saying the right things to show them I love them.

How do you learn those lessons?? I mean, loving people brings me joy. But it also hurts sometimes. It hurts to watch someone make tough decisions or walk away and not know what to do about it.

I am a stew-er. I lay in bed at night and just think about things. I wonder what I should have said, want to say and will say next time. I beat myself up for what I did say. I struggle with giving things over to God. I want to hold on to them. I want to fix things myself.

I don't often talk about the pictures I post. They are just google pics. This one struck a cord. There is something about letting a balloon go into the air. You don't have control over where it goes or what happens when you don't see it anymore.

But you watch it. You watch it until you can't see it anymore. It floats higher and higher and higher. It gets smaller and smaller.

You may be able to see it for awhile, but you have no control over where it goes.

Friendship is kind of like that sometimes. You see things happening that you may not like, but you have to know that you really have no control. You can be there. You can love them. But you can not stop them.

I have to remember that in the future. I have to be willing to give them to God. To let go. Maybe someday God will bring them back to me, but maybe for that time the best thing is for us to be apart. No matter what happens, God is good. I have to remember that. In the future, I want to say His words. I want to be the kind of friend, no...the kind of woman, that He has created me to be. I want to be His, and I want friendships...true friendships....that honor my Lord and Savior.

That is on my heart tonight.

A Desire of my Heart.

I may never be as pretty as I want to be.
I may never have a kooshy job.
I may never be able to walk and drink at the same time.
I may never have a dog named Stella.

But I have been praying a lot lately that God would grant me the greatest desire of my heart.

The one thing that I want more than anything else on earth is to be loved. I want to find the man that God created to be my husband.

I turn 24 in a few weeks. I always thought it would have happened by now. It has not. Not even close.

I want to know what it is like to hold his hands. I want him to hold me when I am having one of those days. I want him to come home to me every night and laugh at my attempts to cook a halfway decent meal. I want to feel his arms pulling me close when I am hurting. I want show him that he is exactly the man for me. I want to build up his spirits when he is overwhelmed. I want to sit at the table next to him, eat a bagel with cream cheese and read the Bible in the morning. I want to hear him laugh at me when I cry during a sappy movie. I want to know what a kiss feels like. I want to know that he will be there. I want to see him know that I am there too. No matter what. Even when it will be hard. And it will be hard sometimes. I want to know what it is like to get through it with the Lord's help.

I have done a lot of seeking. I have hurt myself by loving guys that are not my husband with the thought of "Hey, he could change." I have discouraged myself by watching the days and years roll by without a sign of my hubby.

No more.

I am confident that God will bring him to me. I am confident there will be an us. I know that. God has never ever ever pointed me in the opposite direction. Never. When I pray, I can almost see Him smiling as He whispers, "Wait." I know it will happen. I have heard hope defined as a confident expectation of the future. I have hope for my husband. I do.

So, hun, where ever you are know that I love you. I am waiting on the Lord to bring me to you. I know He will. We could meet next week or ten years from now. But we will. I know that. I can't wait. Where ever you are I hope you are thinking of me from time to time and loving me too. I hope you know, as I have learned, that there is a lot we have to learn before we get to each other...God is making us into the best fit for each other. It's gonna be great!

A Letter I Wish I had Gotten.

Dear Kayleigh,

Hi. I don't know why I have decided to write to you. Where I am in my life, well, it feels like it is too late for me so I guess that I just wanted to pass any little nugget of wisdom I could get on to you. It's important that you get it before you feel like it is too late for you too.

At the risk of contradicting myself, I would like to state here and now that it is never too late. It really isn't. It is just that the longer you wait the harder it is and the scarier it becomes. But it is never too late for anything. Never. 

I turn 24 in a few weeks. It will be my golden birthday. I have spent many many years idealizing my life at age 24. I would have this wonderful party with my friends surrounding me, and (naturally) an amazing guy telling me how wonderful I was. My first nugget of wisdom?? Don't do that. Don't idealize one portion of your life. Even though it seems like it, one stage of life is not better or worse than another. They are just different. Each is wonderful in its own way and each is hard in its own way. Take your life for what it is. Enjoy the day, the week, the year you are in. Because one day you will be at your "dream" age and be sitting here like me, wondering what went wrong. 

My second nugget of wisdom is to love who you are by loving people for who they can become. Now, don't go into a friendship or a relationship looking for ways you could change that person. That is not what I mean. God has placed us all on this planet for a purpose. Love people for their purpose. Try to see it and encourage it. Love is not easy. Love is one of the greatest hardships I have ever experienced. But love is always always worth it. I have gotten more joy from loving others, it is a great gift to be able to look at a person and tell them they are worth it, that they mean the world to you. Everyone needs to hear that. 

Along with that comes a caution. My dear friend, do not love blindly. Do not love someone and feel like you KNOW everything will be okay because you love them. Only God's love can cover a multitude of sin. Our love for others is a weak love, one that could lead us astray instead of leading our loved one on the right path. Rely on God. Speak when you need to. Separate when you need to. But love. Always love. A wise word said without love may come across as unkind. There is a right way and a wrong way to do the right thing. If you have a conflict, pray about it. God will give you a peace that passes understanding. He will guide you to a path that will guard your heart. He will revive your spirit when you are distressed and mend your heart when it feels broken. Always rely on His love, not the love of others. 

My last piece of advice (I could go on and on), is to dream. I like to think that dreams are wishes with rain boots on. Anybody can make a wish. But the honest (and, yes, sad) truth is that bibbity bobbity boo does not exist. Dreams can come true though. Dreams take wishes a step forward. You work for your dreams, wishes are just words. Find your dream, make sure it is the Lord's dream for you and then dive in with all your passions. You can do it. With the Lord, all things are possible. Just pray and work your butt off. 

When things get hard there are a couple of illustrations I like to think of. First, hold your hands straight out in front of you. Keep them there for a minute. Hold them still. Personally, I doubt I could make a minute. It starts to hurt and burn. Think of it: I am can not hold out my arms for a minute. God holds His arms out to me every minute of everyday. All I have to do is run to Him. 

Another picture is one I try to remember when I feel like it is too late for me. Go out and buy a can of shaving cream. Not that weird gel stuff, but shaving cream. Get a bucket. Now, take the shaving cream and empty the can into the bucket you will be amazed at the amount of cream that you will get. Someone used that illustration to explain God, but the shaving cream will end eventually...God does not. As humans, we definitely and assuredly have our limitations, but God has given us more potential than we can see on the surface. We have to remember that He is waiting there to show it to us and to show us what to do with it. 

Some of these truths you will have to learn on your own. You won't learn them by reading a letter. But I guess my point is that other people have been there before. You all walk on different roads and learn different lessons. Learn from those around you and let others learn from you. 

Love, 

Someone who has been there.

{I could write forever on the lessons my life and Lord has taught me. I will share some more someday. But for  now I have been dwelling on my life...where I wanted it to be, where it is, and where it can go from here. This letter is just some of the wisdom I have gained from living my life so far.} 

Spark: A Begin Again, Again. (Got creative with the title, eh?)

{Hi. It's me again. I am a member of SparkPeople. My login there is brightpinkdress if you happen to be a member too. I will be posting my blog entries from that site on here too. These will be health/fitness related. My blog here is about all of me. That includes the ugly, ugly world of me trying to get healthy and in shape. So when you see the picture below, you'll know it is SparkPeople related! :) Enjoy.}

 Hi. You ever had a good friend that you have a mini falling out with and you don't talk for awhile? More and more time goes by and the harder it is to face that friend. In fact, you can't even remember why you left in the first place. You know that the friend is worth it, but you don't know how to start fresh again. 

SparkPeople, you are that friend for me. I am not sure what happened. It's like I hit this intense force field. And I was stuck. I couldn't move forward. I couldn't go back. Not that I wanted to. But I wanted to keep moving forward. But I couldn't break through. I am not a hundred percent sure I have yet. 

But I am going to fit it. I am going to fight this complacency with all I have. My weight is back up to about 174. Yes, it is unfortunate. But I can beat this. I will beat this. I will give this fight everything I got. 

Thanks for being here with me. Help me fight this. Help me beat it. I need your support.

A Song of Truth and Worship.

You are God. And that's just the way it is.

I love you. I cherish the time I spend with you.

A Joy Indescribable.

I have been arguing with the Almighty. I have been fighting Him for a long time. I don't know why. But I have been pissed. I know, I shouldn't talk like that. I was so bitter for my life and the way things were going. I chose to blame God instead of looking at things I could do differently.

That is a sucko way to live. Seriously, sucko.

Things don't change when you don't think they need to. Life can't change if you don't change you first. God has given us a free will...which means we have two choices:

To choose God.

To not choose God.

That's it. Those are the only choices we have. The only choices. We can't go part way. Dipping our toes in the water of God is not an option. Believing in God and not letting that belief change you is worthless.

But not believing in God is hopeless. It is pretty much the equivalent of inviting a hole into your life. God fills life in a way that living couldn't begin to. God makes life worth it.

I have been on both sides of that fence. I have had wonderful times of loving the Lord, but somehow I always let that slip away. I have come to realize that I am a spiritual person, but I struggle with being a faithful one. I am alright with God when it is convenient to be so. I believe in God, but I guess I have never really been willing to take the next step. I didn't want to read the Bible everyday, that is too "religious". I didn't want to talk about God because I didn't want to seem "crazy". I don't wanna get out of my box. But at the same time I HATE THE BOX. Does that make sense?

No, no it does not.

I have started to take baby steps to get outside of the box. I am attending a small group Bible study. I am pretty terrified of the whole thing. I don't feel like I am a "good enough Christian" to be in such an in-depth Bible study. How messed up is that?? I want to grow in my faith, but I feel like I am not "big" enough to be going to a Bible study.

I am trying to grow. It is giving me such great joy. I have read my Bible everyday this week. I am so encouraged by it. I lay in bed at night and it is like my heart soars. I get such a joy from spending time with the Lord. I have so so far to go, yet. But I am moving in the right direction.

I have a sincere desire. I haven't had that in a very very long time. Pray that it grows. Please. Pray that it grows and that it lasts. Please.

A Begin Again, Again.

Oh bother.

I seem to have forgotten my blog again.

For a record amount of time.

Since November??

Acks. That is bad.

So, dear blog, enjoy your facelift and new name.

Nothing like going a little feng shui on the forgotten, eh?

Anyway. There will be a new (real) post soon.

But I am tired.

So for now I shall leave you with this.

I am back.