A Bad Month.

I haven't been a fan of October this year.

There has been one really good thing about this month, but that is my little secret. :)

But as a whole, I have felt like the little pumpkin in that picture. Like something was eating me and I couldn't quite tell what it was.

I fell on my face with budgeting. Like seriously, I really messed up. It really opened my eyes to opening my eyes and using my brain while spending money. I have worked out a budget and a plan for next month and the foreseeable future. I am determined that this will never happen again. And you know, the thing is that I have to get this in line. Not only for me but for my future. I am being honest about this because I really like my blog to be about life as a twenty something single girl who is trying to get her feet on the ground. While I am trying to get my feet on the ground I trip up sometimes. This is one of those times. I am learning as I go sometimes, this area has been a challenge for me but I am committed to succeeding in every area of my life. It's been hard now that I have the apartment. Not only do I have to write a horribly painful rent check every month, but it is really hard because when I am shopping I see cute things for the apartment and I really want to buy the cute things for the apartment. I need to get better at not doing that. And I will, I know I will. It's just a hard lesson to learn, you know?

Also, for about a week this month I thought I was going to go back to school to be a nurse. We got a discount from work on school and the signs were all up and saying "Dude, you don't want to be working here forever...call us, call us, call us." or "Dude, today was bad bad bad at work. Call us." So I did. And I was entranced by how the school treated me. I was entranced by someday being a nurse. I was entranced by the chance at more money. And, oddly enough, I was entranced by the thought of being in school again. I  had convinced myself I was okay with waiting another two years for anything that I wanted to happen to happen. I had convinced myself I was okay with going into debt. I got really excited. Really excited. And then...I fell on my over hopeful face. (Lots of face plants this month, lol!) It turns out the school I was looking at was rather unconventional...they admit 12 people ONLY per quarter and then you go through the ENTIRE program with the same 12 people. Which means part time is not an option and there is zero flexibility with it at all. So in order to do it, I would have to quit my job and take EVERYTHING out in loans. I am 24 years old. That is not something I am willing to do. Especially when I am hoping not to have to work full time forever. It just doesn't make sense for me to do it. I know, you are probably thinking I jumped the gun with getting excited!! But a life without possibility feels pretty bleak. And for bit my life did feel that way. Working hurt. It felt dead ended. It felt menial. I just felt like some care-giving robot. I got over that, thank goodness. It is still hard sometimes. It is. But it is because it is hard, just because of the challenges that it presents on a client basis and coworker basis. But I love what I do. I love working with my clients. I really do.

And, on another point. Please don't tell me my job is hard. Please don't tell me you don't know how I do it. Please don't tell me you could never do it. Please don't tell me to not get overworked. Please do not tell me you need to pray for me more because my life is so demanding. It is my life. I chose it. I am trying really hard to love to. But people, you guys telling me ALL THE TIME how hard and demanding it is....makes it very hard. Going to work everyday is my life right now. I don't have a husband. I don't have babies. I don't have pets. I only have cactus'. And they are somewhat okay with being sometimes neglected. I DON'T HAVE DEMANDS OUTSIDE OF WORK, IT IS OKAY TO HAVE A DEMANDING JOB. My job asks a lot of me, but I love what I do so I am willing to step up. Yes, sometimes I may complain about working a lot. Tell me it will be okay. Yes, sometimes I may become painfully exhausted. Just be there for me. Don't tell me to work less. Most of the time that is not an option. Don't tell me to be sure to get some rest or slow down, because sometimes I don't have time.

I really need the support of the people in my life. But I need the right kind of support. Point me towards the positive and towards hope. Try not to let me dwell on how bad things may look at the time. Put in a dvd of The Office and let me laugh. Make me get dressed up and go to the mall or something. You can listen to me vent if I need to but please remind me that I have a great God that will get me through this (whatever "this" happens to be at the time) and that He won't give me more than I can do with His help. And I can do anything with Him, you know?

That was most of October, just kind of discouraging and humbling. I haven't been blogging a lot because it is just hard when I have been in such a funk. I am coming out of it with the help of some friends! I laughed until I cried with some girls the other night...I haven't had so much fun in a long time! I treasure the few true friendships that I have after what has proven to be a tough, tough few months in that department. God brings me what I need, when I need it. I am so thankful. So, so very thankful.

Funny, I wasn't expecting this blog post to end that way. :)

A Crazy Goal!!

If you are coming here from facebook, you know the "what?" on NaNoWriMo, a little further on in this entry will be the "why would she want to do that?"

I am not sure how many years NaNoWriMo has been around, but I know that I have tried to do it two years and fell on my literary face. The goal of nanowrimo (capitalization gets annoying sometimes!) is to write 50,000 words in a novel in November. Thirty measly days hath November. It features an online community with some local events...unfortunately my "local" events are in Rhinelander so I won't make it to many, if any, of them. I will be able to log details from my novel and update the number of words on the website as well as potentially link up with other writers on the website or twitter or maybe through my blog.

And now to the "Why would she want to do this?" part. I have considered myself a "writer" for a long time. I love to write and I love the thought of reaching people with my writing. But all I have to show for my dear love of writing is this blog. And while I do totally see this blog as a great accomplishment for me, I am to the point where I want to take the next step. As I said, I have attempted nanowrimo in the past and failed miserably, but this year for the first time I feel like I am up for the challenge. I just have my job right now. I am not in school or interning and there is very little else to distract me from my writing. And yes, I realize that this novel will probably never be published...know that I am not going into this naive and disillusioned. But even if all this gets is a chance to take up room on a shelf in my apartment I will I have proved to myself that I CAN DO IT. If I can write a novel in a month, who is to say that I could not come out with a better, more finished product if I gave myself more time to plan, write and polish?

I am really excited about it this time around! I have a good idea in my mind of the direction I would like the novel to go, but only time will tell if my typing fingers follow suit!

I will still be blogging regularly during this time. Don't worry, it won't all be nanowrimo related! Because, as I said on facebook, what better break from writing than...more writing! There will be an update on word number on the bottom of any blog entry I post though, just to let you know I am still doing it! :)

An Unspoken Gratitude.

Last week a friend from high school was killed in a car accident. 

I didn't find out until yesterday.

Matt and I didn't keep in touch. 

There are reasons for that.

But he is a special part of my memories.

Matt accepted me into his group of friends.

We were an odd bunch.

I was a confused slacker.

Laura was an amazing student.

Kelly was going to be a nurse someday.

Dani was also an overachiever. And a rocking Clarinetist. 

And Gary? Gary was just Gary. :)

We LOVED Lord of the Rings.

We went to midnight showings.

We even once watched a LOTR movie and then a Star Trek movie.

In the same day.

We would sit on the floor of the commons during lunch.

In a doorway of the auditorium.

We would sometimes get yelled at for this.

But we were hardcore rebels.

So they gave up on trying to make us move. 

We may not have talked for a really long time.

But I will always think about him as my friend. 

He was my friend.

I don't know if I ever thanked him for that.

I wish I had.

I really, truly wish I had.

I have been thinking a lot about high school since I heard.

A lot about the things I wanted to have done.

A lot about the things I hadn't worked hard enough on.

All the words I didn't say.

All the times I didn't defend myself.

And the times I let my friends do it for me.

I even thought about the first day of high school.

When I realized the harassment didn't stay in Jr. High.

When I was crying in the corner and a guy from church came and helped me up.

I think a lot about that girl I was.

I seem to dwell on her. A lot.

But this week I have been thinking about the people who were her friends. 

When she was enduring some pretty sucky stuff. 

Like really bad, that she doesn't even want to share with her blog friends.

But that girl? She had friends.

They were on the floor with her.

In the corner of the commons.

By the auditorium door.

And this girl?

This girl is going to make an effort to thank those friends.

Before she can't anymore. 

Not being remembered when I am gone is one of my greatest fears.

Matt, I will always remember you.

Thank you for being my friend.

An Alternate Reality.

This weekend I took a trip to the state capital. It was an experience. I spent a little time feeling sorry for myself. I even commented to my aunts, "dang, I should have done better in high school if this is what college could have been like!!" The campus down there was pretty cool...came right down to the water. And I was still in awe of the town too...the architecture, the history and the "vibe". I started to think of how my life could have turned out.

But then when I went on an evening Starbucks run (omygosh...Salted Caramel Frappe! TRY IT.) And the vibe had changed a bit. The protesters were going at it full force down the street. There were people lined up to get into bars. And I was not completely comfortable being alone. (Mother...if you are reading this, it was well lit and I resisted the urge to walk to the ice cream place on State Street or go back to see the Frank Lloyd Wright building at night. Just so you know, lol)

And as I laid in bed last night I had to thank God. Now, I wasn't grateful that I wasn't a good student. I still wish almost every day that I had been better in school so that I could be doing something more advanced than I am now and will be doing for the foreseeable future. (Still love my job, just saying.) But God did use that to my advantage, He kept me out of situations that could have drastically impacted my lifestyle in a time when I was not committed to my relationship with Him. When I was 18, I would have loved to live in a town like Madison. And I can not even imagine what messes I could have gotten into while there.

So while I definitely wish that I had made different choices with my life, I am able to see that God has had His hand on my life regardless. It has been a regret filled week for me as far as education goes...and going to Madison really shed some light on what my life could have been like. It makes me thankful for where I am now! Not that I still don't want to do more with my life in the career realm if God opens that door, but for now it is kinda slammed in my face. This weekend helped me accept that.

But at the same time, I feel like what I am doing now is what I was born to be doing...I would be laughing in a different direction if I had gone to a swanky college and still ended up doing what I do.

I guess my point is that God has had His hand on my life and I love to be reminded of that!

PS: the picture is of Monona Terrace, which is pretty much the coolest building I have ever seen. It was for sure the high point of the trip for me. :)

An Autumn Wind.

I literally have just a couple minutes before my laptop runs out of oomph for the night.

Which is probably good...considering I have to be up in less than five hours.

I can't sleep.

I hate when that happens.

It is probably partly because of the coffee I drank at work tonight.

But mostly because of the wind that seems to be rattling my little apartment to the bone.

I have said before that I am not a fan of weather since I moved out of my parent's house.

I don't seem to be outgrowing that uneasy-ness.

I am reminded that I am alone when rain, storms or even just wind assault my windows.

I don't like that feeling.

But I don't know how to change it.

I guess I just want you to know

That if the big, bad wolf huffs and puffs and blows my home in...

I was laying in bed. 

Awake.

Expecting it to happen.

A Reaction.

A couple days ago I bought a book from the local Christian bookstore. It was a complete impulse buy...I went in there to buy a CD that doesn't come out until next week...go figure, eh?

Well, when I got home I started this blog post about how I buy non-fiction books on Christian living like I do workout clothes. Yes, both things may be things that I need. But both things are items that, if I was going to be honest, may not actually get used.

The book was called "The Resolution for Women" by Priscilla Shirer. It is the women's version of a book written to expand on the principles that were brought to light in the movie "Courageous." I had not seen the movie when I bought the book. It just looked like a good book. One that I "should" read.

Today I saw the movie. That book has turned into a book I WILL read, starting as soon as I am done typing this blog entry. But more than inspire me to read immediately a book I may have gotten to eventually, this movie has filled me with a prayerful heart.

I know that I have probably mentioned that I pray for my future husband. Truthfully, I pray for my future husband when it brings comfort to me. I don't faithfully do it. I pray for him when I feel lonely. When my heart feels a little bit broken. When I desire nothing more than to have him sitting next to me on the couch laughing at me as I cry my eyes out while watching "The Notebook" again. I can tell you honestly that I love that man, whoever he is. I can not wait to be writing the occasional late night blog post while he is sleeping in the next room. :)

"Courageous" has shown me that I am not doing enough as a future wife. I sit here alone and hope and pray that I am the right kind of woman for him. I pray that I am able to submit, love and support him as much as he needs me to. Until tonight I have never considered how hard his role in our marriage and future family will be. That sounds silly, even to type it out. I know. So quite literally I have been praying for God to help me to be the woman to support the man without even acknowledging how much support he will need to lead and guide our future life and family in a way that will bring glory to God and draw us closer to Jesus as every day goes by.

I don't know what I was expecting when I went to the movies tonight. I am a single woman with only hope as her prospects going to see a movie on Godly fatherhood. I just wanted to do what I normally want to do when I go to a movie by myself...escape from life and its tough stuff for a little awhile. I went away with so much more than an "escapism" view. I am dedicating time to pray for my future husband and pray that God turns him in a man who will make good decisions, love me no matter what dumb things I do and ceaselessly delight in and never tire of being proud of any future children when may have. Folks, he has a tough job ahead of him...he will have to live with me!! :)

I also learned that being "good enough" at anything isn't good enough. Yes, that is something I have learned before. But I never realized how I had given up control of my life to the things that happened in it. I have been learning some hard lessons in the last couple weeks. My life has been so good over the past few months. Instead of continuing in my contentment and not letting how others saw me dictate how I looked at my life...I thought I needed to take steps to change it. Those ideas didn't work out. When I told someone, she emailed me back saying that I shouldn't get discouraged, there was always a window open somewhere. I read that email again before writing this blog entry and as I write this I am wondering if is the windows here...here in my two bedroom apartment. I need to be content with the life that I have. Because right now, in the season of life that I am in...it is what God has given me.

As I look through the lists of resolutions in the book I just purchased I am realizing that these principles are missing from my life. Yes, I may "believe" in all of them and think they are good ideas...but I need to take control of this things and consciously make decisions to prioritize them in my heart, my life and my actions. So pray for me.

And friends? Pray for my future hubby if you think about...he doesn't know what he is in for!! :) But I have faith that God is turning us both into the people we will be when we do finally meet. We'll fit. He will be just as crazy as me...I think. :)