A Thousand Years.

Today my heart is hurting for my future husband. I get so lonely for him sometimes. Especially when life gets kinda crazy. It is hard to believe that I have so much love for and have placed so much hope in someone I don't even know the identity of yet. This song actually brought tears to my eyes. 

I have loved Christina Perri since "Jar of Hearts." This song clinched the fact that I will have to find her album.

A Way to Live.

So as I was sitting through a staff meeting that wouldn't seem to end today, I thought of something. Does that ever happen to you? You're there, doing something mundane and all the sudden *poof* you get this thought that effects your perspective.

For me, it was...Sister Act II. Weird huh? There is this part in that movie where Whoopi is talking to an intercity girl about passion. She says something along the lines of....

When you go to bed and the last thing you think about is singing and you wake up and the first thought you have is of singing....You were meant to be a singer.


I am not a singer. But what I took away from that thought was what I could substitute for singing to make the quote apply to me. And a couple things come to mind.

First, is my job. Not that work is the most important thing to me. In fact, I am having a lot of stressful issues and situations at work right now. I don't enjoy it. But you know what I do enjoy? The work I do. At this point in my life I get a great deal of satisfaction from working with my clients. My life is lonely. I make my living right now by going to work and caring for some great and amazing individuals. I really truly love what I do. Even on the worst days, I can go in to my clients' rooms and the day just turns around.

I don't know if I could be happy doing anything else. I am interested in other things. Every so often I toy with the idea of going to school for something computer-y. Like web design or programming. I would someday like to learn more about computers. But I can not imagine going to work and sitting in front of a computer all day. I feel like my life would feel so much more lonely than it does. I mean, the idea of sitting alone and working on a computer and then going home to an empty (and tonight...cold) apartment just doesn't sound good to me!

So for right now, as crazy as life is for me, I love what I do. It is what I wake up to do. It is what makes me so tired I fall asleep quite quickly most nights. It is sometimes stressful. It is back breaking a lot. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I go in the bathroom and cry. But then something happens to remind me why I do what I do and reminds me that I love it. For me, at work it is the little things. I love my clients. I love that I am gaining my coworker's respect and kindness. So the hard moments are always there. Always. But so are the happy moments that bring me so much joy.

I am so thankful that the Lord brought me, kicking and screaming as I was, into the care-giving field. For every moment that brings me to frustrated tears in the bathroom there are ten moments that make me misty with happiness when I think of them. It is a hard job. But I was meant to be a caregiver.

A First Checkmark!

THE LIST IS DONE!!!!

It took me forever to do. But it was a lot of fun.

I learned a lot about myself. 

For example, I am more afraid of giving blood than running a 5k.

Or that a lot of my things were about doing things for others.

Or making me feel more like me.

Writing this crazy long list was such an experience, I can't imagine how cool it will be to get it all done!!

A Project 31 Post {1}

Entry #1: What Does Beauty Mean to You?

So I had a large amount written for this entry last night. I just deleted it all. For a few reasons. The first being that it would have been the most poorly written post I would have ever published. Last night I was just writing to be writing. I did not feel inspired at all. So I wrote tons of words without actually saying anything.

I am glad I didn't hit publish. I really am. I am not going to say that I had a grand epiphany about the meaning of beauty. I am not an expert on the subject. I am a woman, so I am constantly admiring beauty in others and constantly doubting it in myself.

For so long I have searched and searched for my kinda beautiful. Because I think that is the way it is. Beauty is different to every single person who thinks they have it. One person's beautiful is another person's raised eyebrows. I think that is the way it should be. I don't think people should be critical of other people's style or way of expression or anything...but I think diversity in beauty is great. Beauty is vastly moving and changing as the number of cultures in the world become studied, known and widely seen. I love the US, because it is kind of like a melting pot of style and fashion design. We see fashion influences from all over the world. 

But is that what beauty is? Is that what it means to me? Fashion? Fashion and style are only one tiny corner of beauty. True beauty does not come from what you look like, it comes from who you are and what you do with what you have been given in your life. That is what beauty means to me. I am sitting here now in my scrub pants, sweatshirt and ked shoes. And right now, in this moment...today...I am confident that I have that kind of beauty. And right now, in this moment...today...my hair looks like crap! You may see me or people like me out and about. We are tired but we are still going. We face difficulties in our jobs, in our relationships and in our finances...but we persevere. We keep going. We may not always look amazing. Our feet may hurt to much to wear high heeled shoes. Our nails may have chunks of nail polish on them because we wanted to feel pretty one day but are too busy to keep it up. We may be too tired to go out all night. But those things don't make us any less beautiful. 

I live paycheck to paycheck and the paychecks are never big enough. I work almost forty hours a week at a high stress job. I have an apartment I have to keep clean. There are dishes to do. There is garbage to take out. And the bills all seem to be due on the same day. I may not have the time to always look amazing on the outside, but I am growing and changing on the inside. I am learning perseverance. I am trying to learn how to live with in my means. I am learning how to be a giving person when all I want is have me time. I am growing in my friendships and discovering how to be an open person. Right now, at this moment in my life, beauty means that in spite of the crazy I still continue to strive to be the person I was meant to be. Beauty means becoming true to myself and who I should be instead of focusing on living up to other people's expectation of beautiful. 

Feeling beautiful on the outside is okay. But being beautiful on the inside is everything. And when you are a beautiful person on the inside, you will shine on the outside too. Have you ever seen people like that? You can tell they are happy and content just because they almost have this glow about them. I hope to get there someday. But I like to think I sparkle and flicker sometimes as I am trying my best.

A List....In Progress.

So as I have been doing some blog hopping, thanks to 20sb, I have noticed that a lot of people have "Bucket Lists" featured on their blogs. It has really inspired me to start my own.

I am going to work on putting together a list of a hundred things that I want to do before I turn 30. Which is in about five years. Not that thirty should be compared to kicking the bucket or anything remotely close!!

But it is an date in the vaguely foreseeable future. And I think, for me...to write a legit "bucket list" of things to do before I die is a little silly. I mean there are things RIGHT NOW that I think I need to do before I die that would totally not make the list in another 20 years. And I want to have a list I can actually FINISH.

I am still working on my list. But here are some things that will NOT be on the list:

• Getting married. Yes. I want to get married. But marriage is not something to cross of a list. And I definitely don't want to get to my thirtieth birthday and be all bummed it has not happened yet. 
• Going to Paris. Want to do. Probably won't.
• Eating everything on the McDonald's menu. Okay. Honestly this popped into my head. But it will not, not, NOT be on the list. Because I would not want to have said I have done this. Maybe another restaurant? Hmmm.
• Anything that depends on anyone else. Other people have things like "receive a love letter" "have a song written about me" or "have a perfect date". It's not that those things could never happen, but are you actually doing anything on a list of things you are supposed to have done if someone else does them?
• Have kiddos. Same as the marriage reasoning.

There are OBVIOUSLY other things that won't make the list...but these are the ones GLARING out to me right now.

And this idea makes me curious....what would be on your "before 30 (or whatever decade you are coming up on) list??

A Hard Lesson in Thankfulness.

This is going to be a tricky post to write, I wanna put that out there to begin with. I want to illustrate the emotions I have been dealing with...without giving you details I should not. So please don't ask for any details because I can not give them.

Thanksgiving started good enough. WITH A PACKER WIN. HECK YES. 11-0 BABY! Okay, I am done with that. Sorry. I seem to have become a Packer fan this year. After/while the game we had lunch and then just chilled as a family. Hilarity ensued, as it often does.

I was a little bummed out this year because I had to cut the day short and go to work. But that should have been okay. I was going to serve the Thanksgiving meal to my clients as well as go and pick up a client from the other home so he could have a family style meal that wouldn't be offered at the other home. Well, that nice and relaxed night just wasn't to be.

We had an illness at the home that QUICKLY escalated to an emergency which QUICKLY became apparent that it could be life threatening. I took the client to the ER. I have never been to the ER. I have never really personally and 1:1 dealt with an emergency level illness, especially one in a young client and one that seemed to be escalating so fast to me. The client can not use to words to express what is going on. I had to really on seemingly random vocalizations, physical symptoms and appearance. By the time we got to the hospital the client was having trouble breathing on top of the other symptoms presented. Things were somewhat smooth in the ER. MAJOR PROPS go to the nursing staff! They were patient with me and with my client as we were a difficult case from the get-go. I thank God that I have a good relationship and rapport with this client so I was able to answer all of the questions the staff had as well as calm the client down and try to keep spirits high.

I can't give you more details than that, but my clients are like my extended family so last night was very hard for me. It was hard that something we all thought would be minor or an easy fix with the client quickly turned into at least a few days in the ICU. It was stressful, and to me...it was as dramatic as you see on TV.

As I lay on my parent's couch, trying to calm down from all of this it kind of hit me that my list of things I was thankful for had changed throughout the day. On Thanksgiving morning I was dwelling on the temporal....things in my life that I was thankful for. Last night, I became thankful for my life. When you are just living and going along you take advantage of things. I am not going to say that that is bad, because everyone does it and sometimes without even realizing they are doing it. But every once in a while something comes along that throws that in your face. I am thankful that I can verbally communicate my thoughts and feelings. I am thankful that I have a family that loves me.  I am thankful that I have friends that tell me I can call whenever, night or day. And I am thankful that I know they will answer. I am thankful that I can eat without assistance and that I know what my limits are. But most of all, I am thankful that I love and worship a God that made me the way I am. Sure, I have a lot of faults...but God made me in a way that with His help I can overcome anything that comes my way.

And for that, I will be eternally thankful.

A New Experience.

So in the last couple months something pretty great has been going on in my life. I didn't think I would be writing a post like this unless there was a guy involved.

Folks, I have girlfriends!!

Sure, we may not have gotten to the point of applying makeup and putting curlers in our hair together. And I doubt we have perfectly coordinating jammers. But I do see a sleepover in the not so distant future!!

Friendship is a funny thing sometimes. It just kinda pops up when you least expect it. I have known these two loverly ladies for a long time, like years and years and we have only recently really clicked. I mean, I am not a girly-girly girl. I don't really like to sit and talk about boys (Unless, of course, it is a TV boy that is we are just saying is cute or yelling at to actually kiss the darn girl instead of skirting the issue for 3+ seasons now. Silly Castle. Just saying.) But tonight, because my girlfriend knew I had some stuff going on she called me downstairs and we talked at 10:30pm. And then we proceeded to call our third girl and gush on speaker phone about exciting stuff in all our lives. I can honestly tell you all that I have never had those type of friends before. I have never had someone call because they knew I needed to talk. People always gave me time. Or space. And let me deal with stuff. These girls want to help me deal. We are there for each other. I am really enjoying it.

Our biggest similarity are our relationships with Jesus Christ. We talk about our relationship with Him. We support each other and encourage each other to make decisions with Him in mind. I love that. That is the bond, the glue to our friendships. It means the world to me to be able to share that with those girls. I love the time we spend hanging out, but the time we spend studying God's word and and He expects of us is time that I will always treasure.

And yet, the human in me...the girl in me, has doubts. I am not saying this as a jab on my girls. I am not even saying this because they gave me a reason, any reason, to. They did not. I hope they, upon reading this aren't offended.  But on my blog I like to be honest and say what is on my mind. I can't help but think that I don't know how to do this. I have (and, well, am) come to the conclusion that I am incredibly bad at relationships. Specifically, trust. I am constantly doubting people. Constantly. Maybe I should not admit that so openly, but I want to be honest about it so I can be held accountable. Sure, I have been deceived and hurt a few times...who hasn't? But I think the root of my distrust is in me. I doubt myself. I think that me doing something to screw things up in any relationship is always just around the corner. What will I say? What will I do? Did I laugh to hard at the wrong thing? I really really need to work on myself and gain confidence. But the devil is constantly in my ear, saying things like "You're not good enough." "Why would anyone want you?" "No one has seen your heart in the past, why would they even like what they see?" "Haha. You think if you give up on this relationship that is not good for you, someone else will come along? Fat chance." "You're not pretty enough." "No one wants to hear about your job. No one cares if you need to talk about it." "Just tell them you are fine. The real answer doesn't matter." "What you are happy about no one else cares about." So it is very very hard for me. I just want people to know that.

This is not the direction I intended this post to go. But now that it is written I am realizing that it is something that has been on my heart and needed to be written. I am very thankful to my girlfriends. I meant this post to be all happy and peppy and thankful to them. I am happy with them. I love to spend time with them. And I truly hope that this post doesn't hit them in a way I don't want it to. I think that this post is, actually, partly because of them. Because I know that they will want to talk about it and will still love me. My being able to say that and know, despite the doubts, that it is true is a huge step for me. This post turned into a post not so much about my girlfriends and more about my life. My struggles. Those voices in my head telling me I am not good enough is the mountain in my life that I am trying to have faith in the Lord to move. Please pray for me. God has given me power to defeat this. To walk away from the evil thoughts and claim the victory He has already attained. But it is so hard.

But God has answered my prayers and given me these girls. He loves me so much. He sees the me the thoughts try (and right now, accomplishing) to squash down into a box in my bottom drawer. I wish I could see that me. I need help to see what God sees in me.

A Tongue-Tied Night.

So I have been sitting here for most of the night with blogger open, wanting to blog and knowing that I should because it has been a few days. I know, that may seem obsessive...but I really do love doing it.

It's kinda like a Mountain Dew addiction. Maybe you don't "need" it, but go a few days without i and, well, you just feel the need. *sigh* I guess blogging and Mtn Dew are my vices. And Nutter Butter cookies, but I just don't buy those.

Part of me has a lot to say. But the other part of me has enjoyed having a pretty quiet week. I definitely enjoyed having a nice quiet Thursday. Sometimes it is just nice to snuggle down into a quiet evening, do some slow and relaxed cleaning of one's spare room whilst listening to Christmas music (hahaha, yep, I am turning into my father.) and chatting on facebook. It has been nice.

I don't really have a large life. Most days off are pretty quiet. I kinda don't think I am complaining when I say that. My work is really stressful right now, I think I would go insane if I had to go home at the end of the day and have fifty million things going on that evening and on my days off. I really enjoy spending a majority of my day of in my jammers reading and watching old movies. I love relaxed online and texting conversations throughout my day. And lately I have come to look forward to some evening phone calls too. I have become a "small things" girl lately. Sure, I would love to have giant awesome things to tell you about...but sometimes the quiet things are just great too! Most days, particularly my work days, would be considered bad if I had to look at the day as a whole. But when I adorkably excited about small things, those seem to stand out more in my mind. But I can't blog about finding both slippers at the same time. Or that my pancakes actually turned out. Or that my spare 'oom is 97% clean. I mean, of course I could...but that just isn't me. And I think my readership (as limited as that may be) may suffer too.

So I just sit here at 12am and blog about not having anything exciting to blog about while feeling very content about that. It actually struck me. Just now. Right here. As I write. I am really content right now. Yes, there is still crummy stuff in my life. Yes, I still have lessons (some a little painful) to learn. But I can say that right now, after an evening of cleaning and Christmas music...I am happy. I am content.

And now I am tongue-tied. (Titled before I wrote it...had to tie it in somewhere.) But I have said a lot, in my own way. :) Pretty good for now having anything to write about, eh?

A Broken Link.

Maybe some of you know, but I am currently in some of the worst working conditions that I have ever been in when it comes teamwork and cohesiveness between my coworkers.

It is not fun. But normally, the longest I work with anyone else is like 20 minutes at shift change. So I can deal with it most of the time, you know? I mean, it's always petty.

It is very irritating. I work at a group home and in my months there I have learned that having a home run well is like an intricate dance. There is weaving and bobbing. There is spinning and turning around corners. If someone misses a step another person steps up and makes sure the choreography doesn't get too far behind. If there is one broken link all the other steps fall apart too.

The thing is that there doesn't even need to be an actual broken link. But if enough parts think that there is a weak link they will create one where one doesn't exist. And that will completely mess up the operation of the entire home.

The reason I mention it is that I am kinda the perceived broken link. I am doing nothing wrong. I get my work done. It is sooo frustrating. I am trying to roll with the punches and just keep doing my job while communicating with my bosses about the other things that come up.

I am worried about tomorrow. Tomorrow is a "cleaning day" where a lot of my coworkers are coming in while I am working to assist in cleaning and organizing the home. Which, don't get me wrong, needs to be done. But I hope we can get through the day without me hiding in the bathroom to avoid being verbally beaten up by my coworkers. I know that sounds sissy-ish. But you have to understand what it is like working with all women. It is not fun.

So. Think of me and pray for me in my job. I love, love, LOVE the work I do, but the work environment leaves a lot to be desired for me. It is hard and it is stressful. But God wants me to learn something from all this. I just have to figure out what that is. Which is easier said than done.

Lord, give me patience!!

A Few Things About Being a Girl.

Today I have spent a lot of time feeling like a moron for doing something I probably shouldn't have done. It was girly and it was silly and I blew it out of proportion in my own mind. Funny how things seem to snowball when you have nothing to do except think about them!

I am twenty four years old. I should not be doing those types of things in the first place. Worse, I should not be sitting here all day worrying about what the other person will think of what I said. I am not a girl. I am a woman. 

Or am I?

Will I ever completely get over my girly ways? Should I apologize for them?

I feel like for so long I have squashed those girly girl things down into a box for later. But now I am beginning to fear that when later comes I will scare some guy away because I am soooo girly and juvenile.

I am twenty four. I have never been in a serious relationship. I have never gotten to the hand-holding stage, let alone getting kissed. I know, I probably shouldn't be advertising that. But I just want the world to know that I have NO IDEA how these things are supposed to go. I feel like and am afraid that there is some rule book out there that all the happy girls have and secretly wave around whilst laughing at lonely girls like me. I know that probably isn't true. But it feels true. It really does.

I have been thinking of ways to explain the crazy things that I sometimes do. I was really intending for this post to be a list of funny anecdotes about being a girl. But it has turned into something else. I think I am okay with that though. I am obviously not an expert on being a girl. At least a well rounded one. I think any anecdotes I could share would just apply to me. I already revealed myself to be a NBK girl, not sure how much more I want revealed in one post!!  

Stereo-typically, like on TV shows and whatnot, guys are portrayed to be the "dense" ones. Like their significant others are non-verbally insinuating things or just expecting their man to KNOW. And their man doesn't know. In my experience, women don't know either. We want to be told that we are pretty, that we are cared for and that we are valued. If we (I...again, not sure if this is for everyone) are not told, we will doubt all of those facts. And we sit there and dwell on it sometimes. That is just the way it is. Sometimes what people are not saying speak way louder than what they are. We (I) try to read between the lines and try to figure out what they "MEAN" by what they say instead of hearing what they ARE saying. 

What is really hard, as a Jesus-girl, is to find my value in Christ alone when I want so desperately to be cared for and valued by others. I know that my Jesus loves me enough to die for my sins. I know that He looks at me and sees His bride, beautiful and dressed in white. He doesn't see my faults and my blemishes. I should be able to look at myself and see myself that way. But somehow it is so hard for me because it feels like others don't see me that way. It is getting easier for me. I have some close friends now that I am growing to trust with my actual heart, not the heart that everyone sees. Trust is scary, but my God asks it of me. Not only do I need to trust Him, but I need to trust the people He has put in my life. Loving people is easy. Trust, for me, is hard. I don't know if that has to do with being a girl or with just being a human, but it is my heart speak today. 

This video is of a song on the new Casting Crowns CD, which I wholeheartedly recommend to you! The whole song is spectacular, but this song is standing out to me right now and really speaking to my heart. I have listened to it so much. For me, it is one of those songs that I will never get sick of hearing. It is one of those songs that may still bring tears to my eyes on some days. I guess I just want to share it with you because of some of the things I have talked about in this post. And because it is just plain beautiful to think about and consider what it will be like when we are how Christ sees us. 

A Heart Song.

It is 12:30am, so I don't really know why I am writing a blog entry. But I have something on my heart so here goes.

Tonight on the CMA Awards they had a segment honoring Glen Campbell. It wasn't anything super duper life-changing, just three country stars singing his songs...but what struck me is that every time the cameras went on Mr. Campbell he was singing along. I know that doesn't seem like anything groundbreaking.

But Glen Campbell has Alzheimer's.

In my very limited experience with Alzheimer's Disease I have learned a few things. First and foremost in everyone's mind (and justifiably so) is the fact that Alzheimer's ravages the mind and completely changes the lives of the patient and their family. It is a  horrible disease that I am now seeing the effects of on a more firsthand level in my own family. And let me tell you....it is very very hard.

The caregiver in me can really really appreciate an Alzheimer's patient though. Yes. It is still insanely demanding, but when you are "in the biz" you have to focus on the positives that are there. You have to or you will go insane.

That, if I may pause here a second, is a spoonful of advice that I would give to family members of a patient with Alzheimer's. Focus on the positive. Your loved one, if diagnosed with Alzheimer's, will inevitably become a stranger to you. It isn't just that they may not recognize you...the person you knew and loved will never be the same person. You will not really know them. Get to know them...get to love them as they are, not as they once were or who you want them to be. The soul, the heart of the person you love is in this "new person." It is just going to take effort and time to learn how to see it again.

Anyways, back to why I am up so late (early??) writing. One of the positives that I have seen in my work with patients with dementia and Alzheimer's is something that I like to call a "heart song." A heart song is kind of a phenomenon (there may actually be a term for it...I just don't know what it is) that can happen when a person has dementia. The patient may not remember their name, their children or their own reflection in the mirror. I have worked with people like that. But I think (hypothesis?? sounds clinical almost!) that most people have this one thing that has become so ingrained into who they were that it is natural when they are asked to do it now. Even with dementia. One day at one of my jobs, I was running an activity for the clients. We were putting together floral arrangements. I was sitting with the "difficult cases" to try to help direct them. Imagine my surprise when one of those clients knew exactly what to do! She just did it. And she helped others. I also think of the charactor in The Notebook, who could play songs on the piano without the music and didn't even know what she was doing. Or retired, elderly doctor's who still know what to do when they are called upon or witness an emergency. Or Glen Campbell, singing along with his songs tonight.

I don't know much about Mr. Campbell's history or prognosis with the disease, but seeing him on that award show tonight got me thinking, "What is MY heart song?" Is there something, anything in my life that I would want to be one of the only things that were natural to me?? Right now it would probably be care-giving. Is that what I want to completely define who I am? It is "noble" and you bet your bottom dollar that I am darn proud of the work I do, but for me, work is work. I never want to get to the fact where I am defined by my work. I am getting close to that and I don't like it.

I want my relationship with Jesus to be my heart song. I want that, at the end of the day, to be the only thing I can do "well." I want to have such kinship with my Savior that if someday my mind is gone, I will never forsake Him, even for a moment. I am not at that point right now. At least, I don't think so. Leave it to the CMA Awards and Glen Campbell to convict me of that!

Please pray for me!! I am returning the blessing, friends! I do, I pray for you as my readers. Please let me know if there is anything specific!

A Challenge.

I need to make some changes to my life.

Changes that include eating more of the stuff in that picture.

I am really excited about that.

Can't you tell? 

Actually, I am starting to kinda get into the planning.

But I am too exhausted to really muster the energy to actually express that.

You can tell I am tired when I write in sentences like this.

Anyway. 

So I have been doing the Made to Crave Bible study with my girls.

(I have "girls"...that is cool)

And this week Lysa TerKeurst talked about the fact that it is vital to pre-plan your meals.

That is what I have been working on tonight.

Gathering recipes. For yummy healthy food. 

Tomorrow I will make a shopping list up.

I guess I want you all tonight that I am actively planning.

I am going to start trying. 

I need to make some changes.

I do. I need to be healthy.

Maybe I am sick because I eat garbage.

I need to, well, not eat garbage.

I want to be healthy.

I want to be confident.

I want to like the way that I look.

It's not that I don't now.

It's just that I know that I am putting bad stuff in my body.

And I think I see that when I look in the mirror.

I want to change that. 

More than anything else, I want to not see garbage.

I want to see courage. Victory. Strength. Beauty in achievement. Joy in growing.

And everything that comes with it. 

A Movie List

I told a friend tonight that I would make her a list of faith based films that I love and I thought maybe you would enjoy the list too. :)

Though None Go with Me


The Ultimate Gift



The End of the Spear


The Last Sin Eater


Amazing Grace


One Night with the King


To Save a Life

A Few Differences.

So I think I have been out on my own for SIX MONTHS now! Isn't that cool?!? I think so. I am sitting here thinking about what I would tell someone thinking of living on their own and I would like to share some things with you.

Life is pretty good. It is nice coming home at the end of a hard or long day at work and just being able to relax. It is nice being able to watch whatever I want to watch or listen to whatever I want to listen too. It is nice not having to worry about whether I can wear my sweats all day or not.

Life is also lonely. I have a couch that I love now, a big beautiful couch. It is funny how it looks even bigger when I am lonely.

While I don't literally scream because of running into people (or dogs) in the middle of the night anymore....there are lots more creepy noises and things that go bump in the night. I can get pretty jumpy being alone all time.

I used to love thunderstorms. Now I am afraid of them. I partially blame the fact that I finally got around to watching Twister earlier this year. And the bad, tree falling storms we have had an abundance of this year. Anyway, thunderstorms and windstorms are not fun for me anymore. Which sometimes does make sad.

I can't blame anyone else for leaving things on the floor for me to trip on.

There is no one to clean up for. Which means I spend a lot of time cleaning. I know that doesn't make sense. But if there was someone else around I would be able to KEEP things in order...with no one else around, well. I just make bigger messes before I clean up, lol. Just keepin' it real for you guys. :)

All in all, I do like my place. I wish it could be further from the football field, but otherwise I love my place. I like living alone all in all. But sometimes the lonely thing feels like a bigger deal. Not always, but sometimes. I can't really tell if I am lonely for a friend or roommate or if having my own "home" makes me lonely for the husband that God hasn't given me yet. I am not sure.

Well, for now, I am going to take a nap. It's not like anyone is around to care. ;)

A Well Placed Rant.

Okay, I need to let off some steam.

I am hoping that there is a chance that I could educate you and move you to advocacy at the same time.

Most of you, my lovely readers, know that I work with adults with special needs. There are a great many, many challenges that come with my job.

I am irritated to no end when those challenges are exacerbated by a society that has YET to fully embrace the needs of those who try to live life among us with special needs. They can not walk. They can not see. They can not use the bathroom without assistance. They struggle being a part of the community they live in SIMPLY because they can not get around in their community.

First, I want to talk about physical barriers that are still rampant in the community I live in. There are furniture stores that have items so close together people with wheelchairs can't get around in the store. And that is only AFTER they somehow pop up the step to get into the store. There are customer service representatives that need to be told to direct their questions to the person in the wheelchair, instead of their caregiver. There are numerous fast food restaurants that are almost completely inaccessible to individuals with power chairs who may be able to get around on their own if it were possible to actually GET INTO the facility. There are communities that end bus lines seemingly without considering that there are individuals who can not drive that are still trying very hard to volunteer and take part in their community. That may no longer be an option if the bus disappears. {Side Note: I am just stating a fact here. I can see the budgetary benefits to the decision to end the bus line on this side of town, but I wish the community leaders had the foresight to offer other options for these people. I only know one. But I would love to see numbers on bus riders with special needs and if the community that I live in is willing to step up and assist them with transportation so that they may continue to take an active roll in their town and their lives. The best way to do this? KEEP THE BUS RUNNING.} Believe it or not I could go on and on with issues that only my clients have faced while I was there. I can't imagine how many more issues are out there that I am unaware of. I don't think I want to imagine it.

As I ending to my rant I want to inform or remind you that we see you. I am very very concious about how people out there in the community treat my people or people like them. People with special needs are NOT stupid. They do not have walls going around them that block out the eye rolls, the sneers and the general looks of disgust. I am not accusing anyone reading this of that kind of behavior. I want you to know that it HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. Every time I go out with my clients I see it. I hope and pray to God that they don't, but I know they sometimes do and that breaks my heart more than anything else in my life right now. I work very very hard every day that I go to work to ensure that these people have a quality of life that I would want. I foster learning, independence and social interaction every time I go to work. I am not just a caregiver. I am a teacher. I am a friend. I have to tell it like it is. I really, really, REALLY value my clients. They are the only reason I love my job right now and sometimes I just loathe taking them out because of how they are treated. If they were kept in the home they would be safe from stupid people. No. Not stupid people. Ignorant. Ignorant people. People that don't realize that despite the many difficulties that these people face they have made the choice to be apart of the community they live in. They are individuals just like you and me. On the inside they have the same difficulties that we do. They desire love. They desire acceptance. They desire autonomy. They desire fun. They desire everything that we could ever want. But when they get up in the morning instead of rolling out of bed with only the alarm clock to complain about they may need direction, assistance or absolute care to get up. Get dressed. Shower. Use the bathroom. Eat. Put their coat on. Get in the van. Buckle up. Things that we do without thinking are part of a long and involved process for them.

It seriously, seriously gets my goad when I see people treat my people the way they sometimes do. When I look at my personal life I see a lot of things that I want that I don't have and may never get. I struggle being happy in my life sometimes. I have trouble being alone. I get scared of things like storms and traffic accidents. I don't want to die alone. I want to have a job that I love and is fulfilling and pays the bills. People with special needs may struggle with those same wants, needs and fears. I will always respect them for living full lives when they do. I will admire them forever for trying to be a part of their community. I will thank them until the day I die for letting me be a part of their success, if I am...even in some small way.

Let's think about the small ways we can be a part of the success of others. A community is kind of like a flower garden. There is the dirt. There is the seed. There is the rain. There is the sun. There is the watering can. There is the scarecrow. There is the gardener. As members of our community we have a role. We have a place that we fit. We are connected to the people around us whether or not we want to be or have time. It doesn't take much. If you see someone being cruel or rude, make an effort to be kind to the object of their meanness. If you see a person in a wheelchair struggling to get through a door, help them. If you see anyone who can't reach something...try to assist them. Burst your self awareness bubble. (Totally different than a personal space bubble...I promise.) So often in my schooling the focus was on Self awareness and working on yourSelf to benefit yourSelf. I say "POP THAT BUBBLE." Open your eyes to what is going around you. Maybe right now you disagree with some things that I said. But I promise that if you really think about what I am saying and you try to become more aware...you will see the dirt because it is there.

Please try to change the world you live in. You may not be able to change whole world but maybe, just maybe you can change one person's world for one day. And for that person, that day...it could just be enough.

A Word Search

I have had the start of November that has made me search for words.

Or say too much.

And lucky me. I only have 28 days to find 50,000 of the right words.

NaNoWriMo ain't looking good, ya'll.

And I am frustrated because I am not feeling writing on the laptop. 

So will have to either hand write or write with my desktop, which can be a pain.

Yay. 

November, get better please.

I am trying to like you, but you are making it hard.