An Opportunity.

I know, I know. 

Two posts in one day? What I am...crazy??

But this opportunity is too good to miss out on.

I have a confession for you all. 

I am not good at spending time in the Bible everyday.

I enjoy reading the word, but the thing is that I do it when it is good for me...not because it is what I should be doing for spiritual growth.

My dear friend posted a Bible study program on her Facebook that I have decided to commit to doing.

It is a daily (Monday through Friday) study on the Psalms for all of 2012. I am tired so I can not give it justice right now in the way of explanation, but I wanted to post it ASAP so that you could join everyone who will be doing this study if you would like to. I would love to gather a group of people who do want to do it who could communicate via email  and get to know each other and hold each other accountable. 

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE...

Go to the website and see what it is all about. Take the time to watch the videos and see how it will work. It seems like a truly great opportunity to grow in the discipline of studying the Word and maybe grow in friendship as our walk with God is strengthened as we do this. Please let me know if you are thinking about it so I can pray for you. And for sure tell me if you decide to so we can touch base. My email is in my profile   on here, otherwise "like" my Facebook page and comment on that wall. :) 

And the website is...

Trusting God for a Better Tomorrow

Please check it out and let me know what you think!! :)

A Goal.

Okay, so every year at about this time a post like this pours out of my fingertips. I am hoping that this year's proves to be different. I would like to think that this post is a natural overflow of the direction that this blog is going...that just happens to overflow the week before the New Year.

Or, well, maybe I am full of myself and that was just a really wordy way to say "Hey, it's time for Kayleigh to make some resolutions ya'll!!" *sigh* At least I tried...

I found the image today on Pinterest and it kind of inspired me. In the past my resolutions have been utterly soaked and dripping in negatives. Don't do this. Don't eat that. Stay away from that. Don't watch that.

I am really changing right now. I am trying to make my goals and decisions in a way that facilitate positive change in my life so I am bringing you along for the ride, my dear blog readers!

Those things listed in the image there are my "resolutions" for 2012. Once a month, during the last week of the month, I will blog about how I met those resolutions in the last month. As an example I am going to try to do it for December. Some of them, obviously, will not have been met because I didn't care last month. But I want to commit to working towards positive change and growth in 2012 and I really think this is a good way to do it.

*december*

*think positively* 

This month I have been trying very hard to dwell on the positives with my work situation. Things are so stressful and hard. Focusing on client care and being the best darn DSP I can has really helped my attitude.

*exercise daily*

Hah. Yeah. Sure. Not so much. ;) I will be keeping track of the days that I do go exercise and will give that number here. It is unrealistic for me to say that I will exercise everyday in 2012.

*eat healthy*

Again, not so much in December. If it counts, I felt guilty every time I binged on goodies. :) I am not going to turn my blog into a calorie counting blog, but I will share what steps I took each month towards living a healthier lifestyle. 

*work hard*

Now, I write a lot about work. But I want this portion to be about more than just that. Let's see, this month I worked hard to develop my blog and begin to communicate with other bloggers. I have been trying to write faithfully and give you all an honest representation of me! :)

*stay strong*

December was a big month for me and work. This month I stayed strong by trying to keep a positive attitude and not vent to the clients when I was upset. Sometimes it was really hard because it was so "in the moment." 

*worry less*

This was not a good month for me and not worrying. Work kicked my butt. I look forward to making an effort to worry less in 2012.

*dance more*

I am a huge fan of listening to music that makes me smile and sing and dance. This month it was (big surprise) Christmas music. I did a lot of dancing in my living room to some wonderful old songs and artists. Maybe here I will add a "song of the month" in the future!

*love more*

This month I have made a very dear new friend through my blog. I have been really enjoying getting to know her. We have both come to the conclusion that we are two halves of a whole that have finally come together after 24 years. She is such a treasure to me...I feel as though I have known her so much longer than I have. 

*be happy*

My blog has brought me so much happiness. It has brought me a new best friend. It has lead me to other amazing blogs. And as I have been writing it I have been slowly growing in confidence and contentment. And happiness. :)

I hope you guys like this idea. I really like it because it is a commitment to monitor how I am progressing with my goals and growing in the things that are important to me. This would be a good way to keep track! I am excited and can't wait to see what 2012 has to offer!

A Christmas Side-note.

"But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart."

Luke 2:19

When you grow up in a Bible believing church as I am very grateful to say I have, you learn about the story of Christmas story many times. I loved hearing about it as a child and I still do, but sometimes my heart would get pulled into the direction of the smaller parts of the story. My heart wants to know what it was like to be a shepherd. Or my heart admires the intense bravery of the wiseman, having such faith in a small child that they would risk their lives in disobedience of the king. Or Mary. And that is what what I want to talk about in my Christmas post. 

What must today, so many years ago, have been like for Mary? We don't get a whole lot of background information about Mary's life before Gabriel spoke to her the first time. I like to think about her life sometimes and wonder at the fact that she was a sinful human woman, perhaps not so different than me. I picture young Mary growing up in Biblical culture. She was probably trained from a young age to be a wife and a mother. Domestically speaking, she probably knew how to do a lot more than I will ever know! I wonder if she knew or had some feeling as she was growing up that her life was going to be bigger than everyone expected. Did she have the support of her parents and family? 

I wonder what her relationship with Joseph was like. I wonder if they knew each other before they became engaged. Did she get to enjoy the sweet joys of young love before finding out she was the mother of the Savior? Did Joseph make her wishes for her life come true? Did she look and listen and wait anxiously for her bridegroom to come to her? Did she love him? 

I wonder what it was like earlier in the day her life changed. I wonder if she kept getting goosebumps of anticipation because she knew something would happen. I like to think that maybe she knew her life was going to be different and that it was going to exceed expectations. I know she didn't have any idea she was going to be the mother of the Savior, but I know that I hope that my life is different and that it exceeds the expectations of everyone in my life. I think that is the desire of a lot of woman. I mean, who grows up thinking "I hope that someday my life succumbs to the monotony of the everyday??" Not many, if any. I like to think of Mary as the same. Mary could have had dreams, but she kept living the life she was given too. I wonder what she was doing when the angel came and drastically altered her life's path? 

I sit here and I find myself completely unable to even speculate what it must have been like to receive the tidings that she did. I mean, what would you do? I would FLIP. I mean, I could have been waiting and waiting to find out who I was going to marry. I could have been anxiously awaiting the day that man would claim me as his bride. I could have daydreamed about our life together and the children we would someday have. Despite the angel standing in front of me, I wonder if my heart would be as filled with fear as I think it would be. I think I would have been so scared about the thought of all of that disappearing. Mary asked one question and gave one response.

“Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.”

Luke 1:38

I wonder what it was like for Mary when she did, finally, hold her Son in her arms. Did she have any indication that she held a baby born with love in His eyes and the cross in His heart? I wonder what it was like to be his momma. I am not even going to speculate because I am sure that any of my wonderings would fall short of that reality. But could you imagine? She was an imperfect woman who was the mother to the perfect Savior of all mankind. Amazing.

While I do, in a way, admire her as I would admire any woman who followed God, what I take away from writing this blog post is that I need to have a servant's heart like Mary did when God brings something unexpected into my life. I need to embrace His will without fear or selfish ambitions or desires getting in the way. I need to want what He wants, in a way Mary must have. 

~~~

I hope you enjoyed my little Christmas side-note! I want you all to know that this blog has been such a wonderful blessing in my life lately because of YOU my readers! I mean, I always take something away from each writing session I have, but nothing brings me more joy than to know that the things that I write are read, thought about and responded to. Every time I get a comment I do a little dance. It seriously makes my day. I am so thankful that you take the time to invest in my life in this small way. I love to comment on your blogs too because I know how much it means to me. 

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas Eve/Day with family and friends and that you take more time than it took you to read this blog entry to remember the real Reason for the season. God bless you all, my dear bloggie friends!!

A Single Christmas.

Most years I get a little sad around Christmas. I get a little worked up about what I don't have. No hubby. No babies. No cute little house with a craft room painted pink. No Boston Terrier.

This year? Not so much. As I sat in a coffee shop the other day talking to a friend I was looking around and coming to the realization that this year was different for me. I am not all mope-y about all those things I don't have yet.

I am not gonna say life is all rainbows and unicorns, it has actually been rather stress-filled since Thanksgiving. I have a high pressure job. I have a little apartment. I struggle with money. I struggle with my weight. I dance in my car. I sing at the top of my lungs. I wear clothes from the Goodwill...because I like it. I paint my nails in colors that get comments.

There are still a lot of things I want that I don't have. And I think there will be for a long time. But for the first time in my life I am realizing that there is a lot that I have. This is the first year since I remember caring about such things that I can look back and say that 2011 was a good year. That isn't a dig on my life before this year, but this is the first time I have seen it as what it is. It took me 24 years, but I have officially started to live my life. And I am totally good with the life I have. Like I said, it isn't all rainbows and unicorns...but it is mine.

I think that, in a small way, is because of this blog. Especially in the last couple months. When I am active in updating I spend more time reflecting on the things that happen and thinking about my life in general. And the writing. My fingers dancing on the keyboard on a regular basis boosts my spirits. It really does. Maybe that sounds funny. And I am so courageous on this blog. Maybe it doesn't seem that way...but for me, in my way, I am. I am totally and completely myself on here. And that is slowly just starting to spill out into real life. I used to think it was just the blog, you know?? Like, it doesn't matter what I say or who I am because if someone doesn't like it...they don't have to read it. They don't have to be here.

Last week, at the encouragement of a sweet friend, I took myself out. I spent upwards of three hours blogging at a coffee shop (this may become a regular thing) and then I went to a movie. By myself. I sat there, completely alone in the theatre. I had so much fun kicking back and having a screen almost as big as my apartment to myself. And then, as I walked out to my car it kinda hit me that I was happy.

I did some thinking after that night. And you know what I said about blogging? How people don't have to read it? That is true about life. People don't have to be your friend if they don't want to be. Why try to change who you are to please people who "don't want to be?" No, I am not perfect. There are still a lot of things about me that I need to work on. There is a difference between being perfect and being true to yourself. And the "true to yourself" thing is what I am working on. I need to be true to the woman God has created me to be. I need to stop trying to please others and changing myself to fit their molds.

I think that is why this Christmas is different than I the others. I am living my life and I am seeing what is important. I am growing in my relationship with Christ and that has allowed me to see myself as the woman He created to be. In 2012 it is my goal to let more people in to see that woman. And I am bringing this blog along for the ride!

A Big Difference.

I found this on Pinterest awhile back and it just popped up again. I wanted to share it with ya'll. It is a good reminder to all of us. I think so often I focus on being Super-woman, I forget that what I need to focus on is Abiding-woman.

Thank You, dear Lord for this reminder today. In spite of the crazy that seems to have taken over my life lately, You give me reminders of Your great love for me. Whether it is finding things like this or whether you bring me a new dear friend though cyber space. I am so thankful to You for Your love. Please remind me to abide in You. Because I am not superwoman. Please give me the courage to stop pretending that I can be. I love You.

A Bitter Fruit.

I have been learning a lot at my current job.

I have been learning a lot about a lot of different things.  About a lot of good things to learn about.

But the things that most stand out to me when I think about my current job is all of the hard lessons. The hurts and the pains.

Don't get me wrong, I love what I do for a living. I la-la-LOVE my clients and doing my part to meet their needs. The job is not hard to love.

Some of my coworkers, on the other hand, very much are. The biggest lesson I have learned is about bitterness. Bitterness and negativity, once planted in any environment, quickly grow rampant and can almost literally take over and tear something that could have been good apart. And then all you are left with is a bunch of broken pieces on the floor. That, without a doubt, is what is going on at my workplace. And let me tell you, it is hard as heck when you are trying your darnedest to be the resident Pollyanna.

There are a lot of bad situations at work right now. I will not dispute it. But it feels like my coworkers are trying to go out of their way to exacerbate the situations. On top of that, some of them continue to make it their mission to make me feel bad about the work I do.

And that is so hurtful to me. I have a challenging job. Everyday that I clock in I know that something is going to happen that is going to stretch me in some way. Every single day. What I don't want to have to count on is the fact that in one way or another my coworker will do something to tear me down. I will be the first one to admit that I was learning for a long time. I was learning the ins and outs of working at this group home. I was acquainting myself to the clients' many idiosyncrasies. I was developing a rhythm that would give me time to tackle the chore list. I guess I can understand sometimes getting frustrated with an under-trained chica trying to learn the ropes. But I have a firm grip on the ropes now.

It is so frustrating!! One particular person looks for things to come down on me for. And I am doing a good job. I mean, I am kicking the chore list's butt and all the clients are well taken care of. I have talked to my supervisors and they love me. The clients like me. I have a way with the client that other people loose patience with very quickly. And yet this girl still shovels dirt on me day after day after day. Today I wrote my boss a vent-note (she and I joke about them, lol) saying that I was worth more than wanting to go home every night wanting to watch a Nicholas Sparks movie just so I could have a good cry. (Which, coincidentally, is what I am doing.)

And you know what?? That is true. It really truly is. The thing that gets me is that it doesn't shouldn't matter who I am at that place. It shouldn't matter who anyone is at any workplace. Here is the "life application" of this all, if you will: TREAT PEOPLE WITH RESPECT, YA'LL. Even if you think that making a snide remark about someone behind their back isn't a big deal...it will be to that person if/when it eventually gets back to them. And if you don't think THAT is a big deal, remember that while one person may have an plastic back that everything slides off of...a lot of people have a sponge for a back whether or not they want it to be that way. Words can hurt. And they do.

I am trying really hard to be the bigger person in all of this. I am currently pretty thankful that I am not more assertive...or words definitely would have been exchanged by now. I probably would have said something stupid to make things worse. I can't even tell you all the stupid things that run through my head. But I am assertive enough to know how I deserve to be treated. And I deserve to be treated better than this, you know? I am trying to get up the guts to try to deal with this situation, but I am so afraid after being, well, bullied for five or so months now. Please pray for me, that I can deal with this situation in a way that brings glory to God at the end of the day. If that means staying quiet for now, than I will stay quiet. But if God wants me to say something, pray that He gives me the guts and the words to say what I need to say.

.

A Proverbs 31 Post {3}

Who is someone you know who inspires beauty?

These Project 31 posts are proving to be a lot harder and thought provoking than they seemed when I started this. And I am only on question three! I really wasn't expecting them to be as difficult to write as they have actually are. A lot of times I know what I want to say but I have trouble finding the right words and sometimes even struggle with wondering what you all would want to read, even though that isn't the point. To a certain extent I deal with that every time that I write a blog post, but sometimes it feels like the pressure is on with these questions. Not sure why! But getting this done is on my List, so it will get done...even if it feels like the pulling of proverbial teeth. 

I have been thinking about what to write for this particular question for a few days now. When I think about who inspires beauty for me, a dear friend of mine comes to mind. I hope everyone has that one friend in their life, the one who we can look up to and aspire to be more like. Let me take a little time to tell you about mine. 

She is older than me. I really admire that she took a risk on love and that it paid off for her. She is kind, gracious and full of joy. She has grace under pressure and is not afraid to be true to herself and what she is feeling. She loves people and she takes a gamble by showing them her heart. She goes out of her way to welcome people and encourage people. She is great for hugs and for bad day chats. She loves Jesus with all her heart and her family is her priority. I love that when you talk to her you see that...the conversation always goes to Jesus. Not in an annoying way, like you are being preached at, but you can just tell that she loves Him so much that is what she wants to talk about. Her love for Him spills out to those around her. She may not be perfect (who is??) but she loves Jesus and she is real. 

I have learned so much from the time I have known her. I have learned that I need to be true to the woman God made me to be in order to find a man who will love me for who I am. I have learned that anything less is unacceptable. I have learned that it doesn't take much to touch a life and encourage a heart. I have learned to speak when I have something to say because it may just be what someone else needs to hear at that very moment. I have learned that life doesn't need to be exciting to make you happy, it just needs to be yours and you need to see it that way. I have learned that Jesus needs to be number one in your heart and in your life. He needs to be your number one priority.

The great thing about this friend is that she didn't really go out of her way to teach me these things. I have learned them because she loves on me and takes the time to invest in my life just by being in it. It doesn't take much to influence a heart and impact a life, she has done both just by being my friend. But, and she will tell you this too I think, the most important thing is that she points me to the Lord every that I see her. Everything else may be less important, but I hope she knows how special it is to me. 

The thing about beauty is that it isn't just about what you see. My friend is a very beautiful woman, but my life is drawn to the beauty in her heart. Someone can be physically beautiful, the very epitome of the definition and be an ugly person at the end of the day. True beauty can not be captured with a camera. Real beauty, the kind of beauty I want to emulate, goes to the heart and very core of your being. 

That is the kind of beauty from friend inspires in me and the kind of beauty that I hope I can someday inspire in other people.

Another of THOSE Posts.

This one.
This one too.
Here's a good one.
Yep. Another one.
Did you think I was done? 
Nope. Not quite.
Sadly, I could go on.
But this will be the last one.

You seriously do not have to read all those. I mean, you can if you want to. But they are nothing more than a personal load of crap. I am really really good at speaking and writing.

I ain't so good at the doing part.

Last year on New Year's Eve, I weighed 198lbs.
I currently weigh 190lbs. Wow, I mean, WOW. At least I am going in the right direction. I can't believe I just said that. Seriously, did I just say that? Seriously. Ugh.

I can not tell you how much money I have spent on this thing I am currently thinking of as the "I feel fat today. Let's change my entire life in one day, no going back" roller coaster. I have bought books. I have bought workout clothes. I have a gym membership. I have bought shoes. I have written  I have done a lot, a lot of things.

But I haven't changed. Seriously, I did all that stuff. I put all that time, effort and money into losing weight and looking better. AND I LOST EIGHT POUNDS. Crazy biscuits. Eight pounds. In one year.

So maybe this post isn't another one of THOSE posts, but I really am coming to realize that I am pretty darn messed up in this area. I am hoping that 2012 brings me the lasting change that I need. So here is the ONE commitment I am going to make: I am going to have one blog post a week (at least through February) about me in this area. Any progress. Any setbacks. Any necessary rants. So please bear with me. I am  hoping that some of the AMAZING support and blog-love I have been getting lately will follow me in this area.

Sometimes I feel so alone in this...am I?

A Christmas Tradition.

{Disclaimer: This is going to be a long post!}

Yesterday I spent all afternoon at my grandparent's house. They don't live that far away so I get to see them quite often, but yesterday was special to me. Every year on Christmas my grandma serves Pierogi. As a family we always have called them p'doggy, so that is what I am going to call them for the remainder of the post...Pierogi is a tricky word to spell! ;) If you don't come from a Polish background you probably have no idea what p'doggy is. I think the best comparison I can make is that it is similar to Italian Ravioli...but different. P'doggy dough is sweeter than just the plain semolina dough of ravioli. They can be filled with anything from potato to fruit to cheese, which is the recipe I will be sharing with you today! 

Growing up with my grandma and great grandma always making these every year, I have wanted to learn how for a long time. I want to someday be able to make them for the next generation...P'doggy is not really one of those things you just decide would be a good idea to make. Maybe it is if you are up to the challenge, but I wanted to learn because of family tradition and because they are just so gosh darn good! They would be a great family affair as there are several steps and they are quite putsy to make. I would advise having at least one person helping you out. You would want the ingredients to stay cold until they are cooked and there are a lot of steps which would make that very hard.

First of all....The recipe!

Pierogi Dough

4egg yolk

6½ cups flour

1 stick butter or margarine

1 cup milk

1 large can evaporated milk

1 teaspoon salt

3oz cream cheese

Mix and chill until very firm! Preferably overnight!

Cheese Filling

Okay, depending on what is available you will need:

6 cartons---8oz dry cottage cheese

or

4 or 5 cartons--- 12oz of dry cottage cheese

or

3 cartons ---16oz dry cottage cheese

(note: if you cannot find the dry cottage cheese you can substitute the same amount of ricotta for similar results. My grandma is very partial to the dry curd, but my aunt says that ricotta will work.)

If the cheese seems juicy squeeze out as much juice as possible. Your next step is to use food processor to chop up cottage cheese.

2 eggs, add yolks first, then if mixture is not too runny you can add the whites or two more egg yolks.

¼ to ½ cup sugar, to taste

Salt to taste , be careful sometimes cheese can already be salty

Add about 3tbsp melted butter (watch that cheese mixture doesn’t get too soft or runny. )

Chill until cheese mixture is very firm. Again, overnight is recommended.

Directions

• Well, the dough and cheese mixture needs to be refrigerated overnight so they are nice and cold. My grandma and aunt mixed them all up the night before so it was ready when I got out to their house today. The first step was to ball up the cheese mixture. We used a little scoop, like for ice cream but smaller to do this. It was about a 1inch scoop. This gives you the perfect amount of filling for each p'doggy. As I balled the mixture we put them on a cookie sheet lined with wax paper. Once the pan was full of cheese balls it went outside. Wisconsin in December?? It is like living in a refrigerator. Or, well, a freezer today. Grandma had a couple little saucers in the freezer too. That way we could use those to put the cheese balls on when we making the P'doggy so they wouldn’t get too warm.

• To roll the dough out you will need flour. But you want to be careful not to use too much flour because the p'doggy will get too brown when you fry them up.  You will need the flour though, the dough gets quite sticky as it gets warm while you are rolling it out. Roll it out nice and thin.  I kept asking grandma how thick it needs to be and all she said was “Just roll it out until it is thin enough” I would estimate that it was about half a centimeter by the time she said to stop rolling it.

• When you are done rolling, go get your cheese balls. You make p'doggy one at a time. Put the cheese ball onto the rolled out dough leaving enough room to roll the dough over the cheese ball. Then there is this fancy tool that we used to crimp and cut the p'doggy. I would equate it to being something you would use to make tart pastries. The tool is a full circle but you only use half circles for p'doggy. You put the tool around the covered cheese balls and push down to seal the p'doggy. Then you will need to rotate the tool around a little (and gently) to cut the p'doggy. Make sure the p'doggy has sealed, if it has not, use your fingers to pinch any gaps in the crimping. Then put the p'doggy on a pan dusted with flour.  You will want to cut off the edges of the dough that you cut around and set it to the side. Do not mix the dough back in with the new dough you will take out of the fridge. This is to avoid using too much flour. The fresh dough doesn't have flour in it yet and the scraps as you go will. You will use all the dough eventually, but you don’t want to commingle the floured and the fresh dough. Once you finish making the p'doggy with the dough you have out, return the excess dough to the fridge.

• If you are cooking alone (it is easier if you have a friend to help) make sure any unused cheese balls are returned to the fridge. Before you do anything else, take a second to poke the p'doggy a few times each with an upholstery needle to get the air out. It is now time to boil the p'doggy to cook them. The neat thing about this is that they sink when you first put them into the water. You will know they are done when they begin to float to the surface. As the p'doggy finish cooking put them onto the non-stick foil, which my aunt highly recommends. It is easiest if you have two locations for drying the p'doggy off. Let them dry off on one side and then turn them over and put them on the alternate drying site.

• When they are dry you simply (hahaha, finally to the “simply” part of the recipe) fry them up in butter until they are nice and golden brown on both sides. Unfortunately I neglected to take pictures of them cooking...I was too excited to eat them!

 My grandma always makes a ton of them…you can freeze whatever you don’t use when you make them. They freeze really well. In fact the ones we made today are for Christmas. When you freeze them, put a bit of wax paper in between them otherwise they will freeze together. 

Now, if you want a little idea of what p'doggy are like, some grocery stores have them in the freezer department. I recommend Mrs. T's potato and cheese. My grandma's don't have potato in them, but these are still very very good! Especially when it is the middle of the year and all the Christmas p'doggy are gone! :)

If you are thinking about trying to make them...cool beans! They are quite time consuming, but they are so worth it. If you have trouble finding the Tart tool go here. There may be more economical choices out there. Maybe look through cooking toys for Italian cooking...maybe something that would be used to seal ravioli would work! 

I had so much fun out at my grandparent's house yesterday! It was fun to spend the time with my aunt and grandma. There were LOTS and LOTS of Polish jokes going around, which was fun. At one point my grandpa got up and said something along the lines of "I am German. I don't gotta listen to this." and left the room! :) Grandpa worked on decorating the Christmas tree while we made the p'doggy. 

And this? This is what Terry, the somewhat psychotic dog did for most of the day: 

No, she is not dead. She just goes belly up on occasion. For fun, I guess! lol

Well, I hope you enjoyed reading about p'doggy! I know it is a lot different from what I normally blog about, but every once and awhile I have to mix things up! Yesterday was special to me, I really enjoyed learning how to make something that has been in my family for so long. It was great to be able to learn from my grandma! :)

A Questionnaire.

I saw this on another blog and it looked like fun! Kind of like a guided list of random facts about me...that you may or may not have wanted to know.

1. What's the nerdiest and/or weirdest thing about you?

I am a closet Trekkie. Yup. There. I guess that is officially out of the closet now though. :) I don't know why I like it so much, my aunt really liked it when I was growing up and I think it just stuck. I have seen a lot of the original series (Captain Kirk) and some of The Next Generation (Captain Picard). It's not like I have seen every episode, but only a true fan would feel as bad as I do that I can not do the "Live Long and Prosper" thing with my hands. *sigh*

2. If you could live in a fictional universe from any book, movie, or television show, what would it be?

Wow, that is such a hard question. I am an avid reader so there is so much to choose from. I am going to go back to my childhood (let's face it...this is still a fav) and say CS Lewis' Narnia. I have always been entranced by fantasy creatures. I remember reading The Magician's Nephew as a child, the part where Polly and Digory are sleeping next to the Pegasus and flying on its back always made me wish they were real. And in Narnia, well, the Pegasus is barely even brushing the surface. And then, of course, there is Aslan too. What reader of Narnia wouldn't want to meet him and bury their faces in his fur, even before they see the symbolism behind his character? Once I did, there was no going back!

3. Little or big, practical or frivolous, what are a few of your favorite items in your house?

Well, my laptop when it is charged! (Long story...ending with me not having a cord to charge it with and having to annoy my bestie who is almost my roommate to borrow her's all the time!) I also love my bed. I slept in the same twin bed forever until last year. I loooove having the big bed now...and it is comfortable too. :) Also my sofa, which is amazingly comfortable and was quite cheap. You probably don't care about how much it cost, but I did not have one for a long time after moving out. It totally completes the apartment! Some day I will take pictures of my place! Of all the things I have in my apartment...it is my apartment that is most special to me. I love having my own place. I wish it wouldn't have come with so many bills, but hey, that's life! Welcome to the real world, eh?

4. Do you like animated movies? If so, what is your favorite?

This is another hard question because I love animated movies! I am a fan of the Disney princesses and up until a couple years ago would, hands down, have said Beauty and the Beast. That was replaced by UP. I love UP. I cry almost every time I watch it. You know, in the beginning...the montage of Carl and his wife's life together? It gets me every time. The first time I watched it was the day after one of my first deaths as a caregiver. So I always think of the lady that died and the husband that was left behind without her. {Caregiver moment here: As a caregiver sometimes you become so absorbed with what the client/resident is like in the here and now that you forget that they had a whole life outside of being under your care. I know that may sound calloused, but that is just the way it is. This movie is kind of a reminder for me. That and it is sooooo darn cute and funny too.} I didn't expect the wide range of emotions I got from this movie. I think that is part of the reason I like it so much. Oh, and Beauty and the Beast is now in third place. It is UP, Tangled and then Beauty and the Beast. :)

5. What is your least favorite household chore?

In all honestly I don't really dislike any household chore. With my job, I am really desensitized to the ick factor of cleaning. It does get somewhat annoying sometimes though. I guess what I am the worst at is keeping up with what needs to get done. I think I spend more time than I need to cleaning because, living alone, the messes get bigger than they should so so it just takes more effort to get everything back to normal. 

6. What's your favorite thing to get at Starbucks(or favorite coffee shop)?

Starbucks is okay...I enjoy a Caramel Macchiato every now and then. But my coffee heart beats for Biggby. I ♥ Biggby coffee. I still don't get there often, but if the choice is mine...that is where we would go! And I am a total dork about it, when I can't make up my mind I just tell them "Give me whatever you want with an extra shot of espresso!" I know there is nothing there that I would not like. Oh jeez, now I needs me some Biggby.

7. What is your favorite pizza topping?

Ham and Pineapple!

8. Waffles or pancakes?

I don't have a waffle iron, so definitely pancakes!

9. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I don't really remember. I think I changed my mind a lot. Besides the typical "I wanna be a mom!" horse trainer stands out to me from my childhood. I was completely and utterly horse crazy back then! I kind of grew out of it. In high school I used to think I wanted to be a teacher.

10. Do you prefer cooking or baking?

Cooking, hands down. This is going to make me sound like a total control freak, but I can't stand the thought of something sitting in the oven and being out of my control. I would rather have it simmering on the stove top where I can be watching it, monitoring its taste and adjusting things as needed. Baking is good on some points though, I can always blame the oven if things go wrong. ;)

11. What would be your dream job?

My current dream job would be running a successful CBRF for adults with special needs. I love working at one and would like to run my own (as an owner or Home Manager). I see how many ways I could make a difference where I work now, I would like to be in the position to actually implement my ideas. I would also love to be a foster mom in whatever area God needs me to be, but I am waiting on my future hubby for that job and those decisions! I would need support to do that. 

12. Do you make your bed every morning?

Well, I work at 6am. So no, I don't normally make it in the morning...but I have to make it every night before I get back in it. I hate getting all twisted up in all my tons of blankets!

13. Picasso or Norman Rockwell?

Norman Rockwell is great, don't get me wrong! I would love to just plop into his paintings sometimes. But while Picasso is not a favorite of mine (I lean towards Impressionism personally) I like that Picasso had the nerve to artistically represent the world as he saw it or felt it instead of how it really appears on the surface. That is why I like art that isn't totally realistic. Impressionism, for example, says to me that the artist couldn't find a way to express what they saw clearly in their art. Not because it was inexpressible, but if they painted an apsolutely realistic representation it would somehow detract from their subject matter. Take Degas' ballerinas. When you look at them you can see them moving almost. When he looked at them he saw what they were doing as well as what he thought they would do next. He interpreted what he saw and that is what we got. I love that. That isn't to say that Rockwell didn't have it. But I like that Picasso and the Impressionists were completely unexpected. 

14. Do you like carpet, tile, or hardwood floors?

I like hardwood! I like the look of tile, but it is sooooo cold on the feet. 

15. What is your least favorite thing about yourself??

Right now I would have to say I don't like the fact that I am better at writing than I am at talking. It is so much easier to express myself with a pen or keyboard than it is to formulate the words that need to be said when they need to be said. It is frustrating. And it gives me so much emotional turmoil when I can't get the words that are screaming inside of me to come out of my mouth. 

16. Last movie you watched??

Maybe this should go under the first question too....I am a total X-Men geek too. I just finished watching First Class right before I sat down to do this entry. 

17. Computer or Television??

How about a web-enabled television with a wireless keyboard? That would be the best of both worlds. :)

18. Favorite Sound?

My phone telling me I have a text. I loooove getting texts.

19. If you could have a $5000 shopping spree to one store, which store would it be?

Would my landlord count?? Otherwise, sorry to say, it would be Walmart. Because Walmart has everything.  I would love to say like REI or Scheels or something because I love that kinda clothing, but Walmart would be the wisest choice for me. 

20. If you could be any Jane Austen fictional character who would you choose (or if you would prefer any fictional character)?

Elizabeth Bennet. Omygosh, I wish that I would have the nerve to respond to Darcy's first proposal the way she did! Regardless of the circumstances, it would be hard for me to confront someone that way. She found the words. (Maybe I will add more to this answer tomorrow, but my laptop is about to die and...no cord tonight, lol)

A Whole Lot of Frogs.

I am really very nervous about writing this post. I have not been this open about what I am about to talk about yet. A lot of people have very strong negative feelings about this. I will try to address that a little.

Here it is: I have been trying online dating.

With very minimal success. I have met some pretty nice guys, but none of them have been my mister. Last night I was going through and looking at my matches. It really made me think about what I want in my future mister. But first, for humor's sake, let's talk about what he won't have. Or be. Or say.

I should start by telling you that all of these things are things that I have seen. He will not post pictures of him in gangsta' poses. Or of him taking a picture of himself in the bathroom mirror. He won't write in his profile that most people think he is shy but in reality he just has a cold personality. He also will not say in his profile that he wants to get married in jeans, a t-shirt and cowboy boots. Yup, true story.

I had quite a few snort laughs as I was going through my matches last night while I was making a list in preparation for this post. Yes, there are a lot of frogs out on the internet. But you know what??? The guys walking around in my town are not all Cary Grant either. By making the decision to try online dating, I am not saying that God couldn't still have my mister walking around here somewhere. But I was not willing to completely write off online dating. So I decided to try it. And you know what? I know that it can work. Two of my favorite couples met online. Maybe it will work for me, maybe it won't. But I am trying it and I am learning from it. And I will continue to try it until I get zero enjoyment from it or God closes that door somehow.

I am learning what I want in a relationship. The biggest thing so far is that my mister will be the spiritual leader in our relationship. I can not tell you how many guys say that God is most important to them...and then don't mention Him again after that. That is not cool. And I will not be content with that. Because, see, God IS most important to me. Any relationship that doesn't include Him will always be on the back burner. The second thing so far is that the gut is an amazing thing. You know? As in "stick to your gut." If your gut says that you won't hit it off with some guy, chances are you won't hit it off with some guy. What is the point in dragging things out?

So I guess I mainly wanted to introduce you all to this new little corner of my world. Maybe you are okay with it, maybe you aren't. I won't talk about it often, writing about it now was nerve-wracking enough for me! Just bear with me as I try to find my mister. :)

A Project 31 Post {2}

Entry #2: What makes you uniquely you?

I just asked my mom that question in reference to me (I am sitting at their house waiting for Lasagna.) and her answer was that I march to the beat of my own drummer. I started this post yesterday and have been having trouble writing it. So that is what I am going to go with. I march to the beat of my own drummer.

It's kind of funny, because sometimes that is literally true. I have the internal radio as wide and varied as the music you hear walking in and out of stores at the mall.


I have spent almost my entire life trying to fit in. I would change how I dressed. I would change the things I like. I would change what I liked to talk about. I would change the books I liked to read. My life was really about changing. I would change who I was to fit in with who I was with. It was exhausting and it was dishonest.


And you know what else?? It was a really unfulfilling way to live.


2011 has been a good year for me. I have been learning a lot about who I am, what I like and who I want to be. I can't really point out aspects of those things that make me unique, I think a lot of people can be, like and want to be any number of the things that I do. I don't think that makes me any less unique.


I think uniqueness comes when you take those things and start to own them. When you like something, you aren't afraid that the people around you will disapprove. You like it because you like it. When you make a goal, you aren't worried about whether other people think you can do it. It is your goal. If you can make it and you work hard enough, you can achieve it. And then it won't matter what people think. So why would it matter in the beginning? Just live up to the skin you are in.


I think my growing ablity to be who I am is what makes me unique. I try not to change who I am no matter what. And I am trying to become more assertive and be willing to stand up for who I am. Don't get me wrong, it is still really hard. I was such an actor for so long that sometimes it gets hard to be who I am around people who know me. Which is why I love meeting new people. And love, love, LOVE blogging. I feel like I can be myself on here. If people don't like it they can close the page. If they do they can follow me and we can become friends. I really like how simple that is. :)

A Question.

So I guess this is the week for thought provoking Bible studies!! I mean, it's not that I don't learn things from every Bible study I attend...but this week in particular God has really been showing me areas where I need to grow.

Today a question was presented during study that really hit me.

Do we love God or are we just fond of Him?

The study talked about the dialogue between Peter and Jesus at the end of the book of John. (John 21:15-17, to be exact) Peter had denied knowing Jesus three times. This was a conversation in which Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved Him.

Do I love Jesus enough to stay by His side in the most adverse circumstances? Or would I deny Him as Peter did? It is a hard thing to think about. I mean, I would like to think the answer is that I would remain loyal...but would I really? Do I truly love my God or do I just like Him because of what He gives me? 

I can honestly say that I love God, but it is worth pointing out that there are different kinds of love. Do I love Him the way He deserves, or do I love Him as my friend? Like the kind of friend that I call when I need something or a shoulder to cry on. I love, love, love that kind of friend...but would I choose to dedicate my life to that friend? Would I make decisions based on that friend? Probably not.

True. Jesus is the best friend we could ever ask for...but He did not come to earth to be our friend. He came to earth to be our Savior and He deserves to be loved as such. I am going to be brutally honest here and admit that I do not love Him that way nearly as often as I ought to. Which is all the time. Times like this, times when I am humbled by His truths, are about the only times I see Him as He is and me as I am. 

The fact of the matter is that I do not dedicate my life to Him on a daily basis. Sure, I love Him. He is my friend. I cry out to Him when I need Him. But do I try the hardest that I possibly can to do what He asks of me? Do I make life decisions with His glory on the forefront of my mind? The answer to that, I am ashamed to admit, is no. 

I do not read my Bible on a daily basis. I read it when it is good for me. When it is convenient. I do not commit to setting aside time every day out of my schedule to do it. There are chores to be done. Friends to hang out with. TV shows to watch. Having quiet time with my Lord is a way that I can show God that I love Him by desiring to spend time with Him. I am going to commit to doing this every day for the next 21 days. (I hope to get to the point where I want to do it...where I look forward to it and do it everyday, but they say it takes 21 days to create or break a habit.) My life is crazy busy, but I don't want that to be an excuse for me anymore. If I fail, if I miss a day, I will simply start fresh the next day. If it takes me the rest of my life to do this 21 days in a row I will never stop trying. That is how important this is to me. 

I am claiming the verse at the end of the last post, Philippians 4:8-9, to help me with this goal. If I fill my time and think on things that honor Him, I hope to become more and more dedicated to having this daily time dedicated to Him. 

Any relationship you will ever have in life requires time. I am done seeing my relationship with Jesus as any different.

An Aspiration.

Tonight I went to Bible study and the man leading it said something that kind of struck me. 

He was talking about how in athletics coaches are constantly telling their athletes to BE GREAT. He then went on to say that in that regard, God is our coach. He wants greatness for us!

That really got me thinking. Which kinda hurt because I have a headache tonight. At least they are good thoughts. 

Is my life great? Better yet, do I feel like my life is great? I don't think you have to live a great life by the world's standards to live greatly. If that makes sense. 

I say that, but I am not really good at living it. More often than not, I am defeated. I hide away in my apartment wearing sweats because my work is so exhausting. My boss is unkind. My coworkers don't always do their jobs. I let the frustration take control of me and make me want to hunker down and cuddle with my fleece blanket and a good movie. This week I took a stand with the situations at work that are so bad. And instead of feeling empowered by that, I am afraid of what may happen as repercussions to that decision.

I hear talk of greatness, of being brave, of standing up...and sometimes I just want to physically stand up, slam my hands on the table and scream.

"I AM TIRED! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HARD I WORK. YOU DON'T KNOW THE THINGS I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH. YOU CAN NOT POSSIBLY ASK ME TO DO MORE. OR TO DO WHAT I DO DIFFERENTLY. I CAN'T. I DON'T HAVE ANY STRENGTH LEFT TO GIVE." 

But tonight it kinda hit me. My little outburst up there? That is me. That is my strength. I simply can not do more right now. I am exhausted. I can not keep fighting anymore. I am emotionally drained. I am in physical pain some days. I can not do it. Did you catch the running theme there? ME, MY and I.

Friends, I serve God. A great God. A God who asks me for greatness, but Who doesn't expect me to do it on my own. That is the kicker. That is what got me tonight. It is not about my strength. It is not about my greatness. It is about HIS. God is all powerful. I just need to grab on to and hold His strength in my heart and allow it to lift my spirit closer to Him. I need to claim His greatness in my life. And by doing that, my life will be lived greatly because He will be there helping me all along the way. 

Why do I fight Him? Why do I endlessly continue to rely on my own power when it obviously is not working for me? I become hopelessly defeated before I finally concede, "Yep, Lord...You're right. I can't do it." So I let Him pick me up. I get back up and then I start tugging the control back inch by inch. It is this horrible cycle for me I am ashamed to say. It breaks my heart when I take time to think about it like I am right now. 

In my Bible study, we are plugging along and getting to the end of Philippians. We came to this verse and I think it may be part of the key to how to claim His strength and live greatly. We need to dwell and constantly think about the things of God and things that bring honor to Him in order to stay by His side and not be unconsciously pulling back the ropes. If we are consciously filling our minds with His thoughts maybe our minds would be so busying being useful that they would lose the energy to walk away as they so often do.

Pray for me, dear blog friends, as I pray for you as well! ♥