Just wanted to drop in and say hi! I will try to start blogging more often, I really have missed it. I am starting to see the light at the end of my "funk" tunnel.
Some of you commented on the vague-ness of my last post...I am sorry about that, but at the time I could not go into more details. I was really, really, REALLY feeling down and just couldn't. It is kind of an embarrassing situation. I don't know if you guys read my list at all, but this whole situation is about #16...which is "Conquer My Fear of the Dentist." I haven't been to the dentist for years...and currently have a lot of problems as a result. I will have to have a few close to surgery-level procedures to get things corrected...the first one being this Friday.
Like I said in the last post, I am really feeling sorry for myself. I feel ugly. I don't wanna smile. I feel like people know, even if they don't. I am always covering my mouth with my hand. I know how irrational that is, I really do. But it's just what I am dealing with. I am doing better now than I was right after I found out...but it is still hard. I just don't want to smile. I just don't feel like me.
I know that God loves me and that He doesn't see how bad my teeth are. I think He is trying to teach me to have more respect for myself. And I am learning how little respect I actually have for myself. For a long time I was complacent with myself. In the past I would have said "content" but that sounds too positive.
When you are not in a good place it is not okay to be content with that! God wants what is best for me! He wants me to grow and He wants me to be pliable. I have not been pliable.
The diet was going REALLY well until I got the news about my teeth. Then I just felt gross and picked up a "Who cares?" attitude. Thankfully I have not gained weight back, but I wonder how much I could have lost if I hadn't "given up," ya know? Even though I was really taking steps in the right direction, it really wasn't about ME as much as it was about what I thought I had to do.
I never really put a lot of stake in what I looked like. I just don't. Sure, I am a girl. I LOVE to look cute and dream about amazing clothes and retro dresses...but when it comes to looking in the mirror and thinking I looked amazing, well, it just isn't something I do. I am an ask-er.
"Do you like this outfit?"
"Does my hair look cute today?"
"Did you notice my nails?"
"Would that look good on me?"
I ask. I look for complements. People don't just walk up to me and offer them that often. So I look for them. I don't see the answer in the mirror so I look for it from other people. This week was hard for me because I DID see the answer in the mirror and it was not the answer I wanted to get. I never expected that. And I don't like it.
I am trying hard to get past this...but it is hard! I know this may seem kinda "plastic" for me and I think that is kind of why it is hitting me so hard. Because it is not something I normally focus on or put value in. This whole experience has really changed how I look at things about my appearance. I have kinda lost my mojo with the diet...I am trying to get it back but the "who cares" attitude is a hard one to kick. I never thought I was this fragile...like this would have made me loose my groove in so many areas of my life.
Please pray for me. Like I said, I am getting better...but it is hard regardless. Not to mention the monetary ramifications of this... But I will get through this. I am working really hard to be open to learning what God has for me to learn. And I am trying hard to see myself the way that He sees me. Your support means so much to me, you have no idea! This may seem like a minor thing to you...but it is not minor to me, you know? One person's molehill is another person's mountain.
Oh, and folks?
Brush and floss. ;)