Thursday, March 15, 2012
In and of themselves, words are just words. They don't have power. The power comes in the way that we perceive them or say them. By themselves, they are kind of like a sword sitting on a table top. It can't do anything just sitting there...but once it is picked up it can do a heck of a lot of damage.
Words can have just the same amount of power. It only takes one or two words to deal a powerful blow to someone. On the other hand, it takes the same amount of words to build someone up. How often is one way used over the other? I am beginning to learn that for a lot of people it is easier to tear someone or, the more passive route, not build someone up.
This week was a particularly lethal one for me and words. I wish I could be the kind of girl that is so confident that words don't bother me. I wish that when people tried to knock me down I could just stay standing strong. But that is not the case. Words inflict a special kind of pain in my life. Words make me crumble faster than just about anything else. I wish I could just blow it off but I can't.
What happened on Saturday was so stupid. But okay. I will tell you. At work we all write our birthdays on the calender. And as mine is next weekend, I had written it on there. Well, I came into work on Saturday morning someone had written a bit old "WHO CARES" over the top of it. I wish that it didn't hit me the way it did. But I have a lot of trouble at work. Anytime something like this happens it just hits me how horribly mean people can be. This particular event hit me so hard I ended up falling to my knees in the bathroom crying out to God about the injustices of the world for like twenty minutes. Yup, that's right. Your's truly is a hard core drama queen. But it hurt. Really bad.
It is hard because some of my people are not here. They will not be here to celebrate my birthday with. There will be fun conversations until late at night or no seconds of birthday cake after everything else goes away. Sure, I will have a good day with my family. But I can guarantee you now that I will be missing my people a lot. And sadly, I feel like those two words will be blasting in my subconscious like Ty Peddington with a bullhorn. I mean, I hope they aren't. But I will say that because of this week and my bestie being a million miles away has made me more apathetic for my birthday than I ever have before. I know that it will be a good day, but it won't be as good as it could be...you know?
Words have a lot of power. Weeks like this make me dwell on the negative power of words. I wish they inspired me to go out of my way to speak the kind of words that build others up...but instead they make me want to hole up. This week makes me want to lock the door of my apartment and only let in the people that I want to come in. I wish, I truly truly wish that there was some kind of door on my life. Where I can only let in the people that I want. But the fact is that I am only one person. Every day I have the chance to come in contact with hundreds of people. They can be indifferent. They can be hurtful. Or they can make my day. I want to be one of the people in that last group.
I discovered lately that my love language is Words of Affirmation. I have been doing a lot of thinking about that in relation to the things I have been going through and it kind of helps it make sense to me. I think that there is not enough encouragement in my life. I get it now from some places. But I don't feel like like I get it enough. And that is not something you can ask for, you know? Unless I want to be all like "My Love Language is Words of Affirmation...blah, blah, blah." Which is soooo not me. But the thing is, that is why when people try to hurt me, they do...badly. I have reconciled that, really I have. But that doesn't make the hurt go away. It is still there.
I want to be the kind of person that can channel my hurt into this incredible drive to build others up...to keep them from feeling hurt. But that is hard. Because when I arm hurt, I want to be hurt. I want to hole up inside myself and just think about me, me, me. I don't want answers. I don't want explanation. I don't want a band-aid. And above all, I don't want to know that you don't think I should be hurt. I just want to be hurt until I am not hurt anymore. If I can heal on my own instead of consistently being served platitudes on a golden platter I can heal better and transition more efficiently into learning to build up others.
I will end this on a positive note. I am so thankful for you...the readers of my blog. There are some days that your comments just turn my day around and give me the boost I need. Every time I get a comment a huge smile comes with it. That is why I love being a blogger. I love that I can do what I love (write) and get responses from people that I have really come to care about. I also love commenting. I am sorry I haven't been doing that so much lately...I have been trying so hard to get my ducks in a row that I just (as I have explained above) that I have neglected reaching out to people I care about. I am sorry for that, thank you with all of my somewhat-broken heart for sticking with me!