A Million Little Somethings

A Moment of Growth

2012-03-04T22:41:00.000-06:00

Do I have an awareness of having a personal mission from God?

This question was presented to me at Bible study tonight. It really got me thinking and I wanted to share some of my first thoughts with you. I am going to be really working on the things I am about to tell you about for the next few days so I may be a little slow on the blogging.

I think that I do not yet have that awareness. Despite what I say about God's will being good, acceptable and perfect (Romans 12:2) and needing to base my life and decision making on that standard I still feel as though I am still waiting for God to reveal what my actual literal "mission." I think I got some wires crossed there.

Yes. There are things that God will blatantly reveal to us. But there are also things we need to do that He has shown to us already. As I study God's Word, I am kind of growing in the understanding that a mission is not something we wait for, but directions we see and follow. The things that God wants us to do are already there in His word. We need to hold those directions and instructions up as a standard in developing our personal mission.

Is it important that we know what our mission is? I think so. But I know it is for me. My friend shared her "mission statement" with us tonight. As I approach my 25th birthday in a couple weeks, I think it is important that I develop a mission statement of my own. No that my age is altogether important, but I do not want to waste anymore of my life living for myself and not comparing where I am with where I should be in my walk with the Lord. I need to hold my life up to the standard that He has for it on a more consistent basis so that I can be where He wants me to be.

I want to figure out what my mission is so that I have something tangible to strive to as I live for Him. I am not doing this to try to be perfect or to add to my salvation somehow, neither option is possible. When I accepted Christ as my personal savior my salvation was locked in. There is nothing I could have done to earn my own way. He did it for me by dying for my sins. And that is why I want to live for Him. I want to show Him that I love Him, honor Him and am eternally grateful to Him. He died for me, the least I can do is live for Him in response.

Please pray for me as I do some Bible digging and book consulting for research this week as I develop my own mission statements. I have a couple ideas but I want to put a lot of thought and prayer into my resolutions/mission statements before I consider posting them, which I will. A goal of mine is to back every single one up with scripture.

Friday's Fancies: Tangerine Tango

2012-03-02T00:29:00.000-06:00

I am not a huge fan of the color orange. Or tangerine really. I would rather just have pink. But that is just me. I wasn't gonna post today because of that.

But then I went the mall. The piddly, middle of WI mall.
The mall may as well have been painted Tangerine.
IT WAS EVERYWHERE!!
So I decided that if a color fad can make it to where I live, the least I can do is embrace it for Friday's Fancies!
I didn't want to create a look drowning in tangerine.
I saw this dress on modcloth and decided that it was something I would maybe wear,

.

Operation Resolution: February

2012-02-29T23:40:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it's that time already...the second resolution update! February flew by!!

~~~~~~~~

Think Positively I am going to be honest with you...this month was not the hottest in this category. It started out really really strong and then I kinda got into a slump after my dentist appointment. Besides that, work has been overwhelming and stressful. THAT is kinda normal...but normally I can do a better job of looking past it and just doing the do, ya know?
*new feature*
Goal: I have been trying to figure out how to get my attitude on track...my goal for next month is everyday in my journal I am going to make a list of five things I am thankful for that day. I am hoping that will leave me feeling encouraged instead of down and defeated.

Exercise Daily Again, kinda dropped the ball this month. I exercised 7times. Which IS more than last month, but not at all enough!
Goal: I bought a Wii this month. I have a Dance to Awesome Abba Songs game...my goal this month is to do at least three songs every day. I realize this isn't going to the gym, but it is getting me off my butt and working up a sweat for at least a few minutes everyday. I have a Zumba game as well, but I need to kind of work up to that.

Eat Healthy I did okay in this area this month. Not overwhelmingly awesome, but okay. I hit the eleven pound mark! I am proud of that, but my funk started shortly after that (go figure) so I haven't lost any more. HOWEVER I haven't gained anymore either.
Goal: My goal for March is to start tracking what I eat again. Also, I am cutting soda down to one a day after my dental procedure on Friday. Another is to only have fast food six times this month. Weight wise, I would really like to get to the 20lb mark by my birthday. I have three-ish weeks to loose nine pounds, which I think is doable (for me at this point) if I work hard on diet and exercise!

Work Hard My life of "work hard" has completely been at work this month. I've been working really hard and dealing with stuff there. It's been an exhausting month.
Goal: I hate that I am able to say that the only thing I really worked at was work itself this month. I need to work on doing a better job of balancing how I invest myself. I can't put all of me in one basket when I have all of my baskets scattered around my apartment. And in my car. And in my makeup drawer. This month I want to try to spend at least an hour everyday working on something besides work. Whether it is cleaning my house, blogging, getting dressed up to go out, menu planning or working out. I will keep track of this in my Erin Condren planner.

Stay Strong I didn't feel very strong this month. I honestly don't know what else to say here. I have been sitting here trying to think of something to say here. It is leap day and I am sitting here just feeling blah. I don't like that.
Goal: I don't know how to make a goal to feel strong. I guess that if I can say at the end of March that I accomplished all of the goals that I made in the other areas, I would kind of have say that I will feel a whole heck of a lot better than I do right now. That is part of the reason why I wanted to make the goals for the next month part of this project.

Worry Less I faced a fear this month with going to the dentist. But that doesn't mean I didn't worry at all. I worried a lot. I was very fearful about the appointment and spent the rest of the month feeling sorry for myself and worrying about the results. They will be very costly and are a little nerve-wracking.
Goal: Well, I face my first procedure on Friday. I am trying to embrace the "exciting" aspect of it...that aspect being that one of my only visible dental issues will be fixed. I am trying to focus on that instead of the actual procedure. I guess a tangible goal is to get caught up with my Bible reading blog posts. I will blog about what is going on with that...it has changed a little but I still have been spending time in the Word and it has been amazing. But I am just doing things a little different. I still want y'all to be a part of it!!

Dance More The CD of the month is "Where I Find You" by Kari Jobe. I have been listening to this CD a ton since I purchased it! It is so beautiful in music, lyric and subject matter. Amazing! "Find You on My Knees" is my favorite song on the album. It really spoke to me this month. Unfortunately I am having trouble embedding the video this time around. You can find it here.
Goal: This is a hard one to have a goal for, but considering I have dancing to the ABBA game on the Wii as another goal I am including it here because, well...it is dancing!! Or at least the Wii version of dancing.

Love Often This month I started going to a young adult Bible study at another church. It has been great to see people on a regular basis and to develop some new friendships. I have been missing out on so much by not having a steady source of fellowship!! Also I don't see people in general, my job is kind of secluded. I just see my clients, my bosses and maybe two coworkers. And all of the employees at Walmart. I am there ALL the time, lol. It's pathetic, really. I have really been enjoying seeing people and talking about the Lord together.
Goal: I am still keeping up with birthday cards. I have one tomorrow that will be late, but otherwise it is going well. I am having fun with it! I want to continue to be involved in the Young Adults group and my other small group.

Be Happy You know, despite this month not being amazing...I can't sit here now and say that I am unhappy. Isn't that kind of what contentment means? That despite the circumstances you are just okay with things? If that is true, I guess I have a grasp on that right now. That's not to say I am not still striving for "more" and "better" because I definitely am. I am actually working towards making some long term plans and potential changes to my life. If the way things are now stay that way for awhile I will be okay, you know? But the thought of things changing up quite a bit is an appealing one.
Goal: I guess my goal would be to continue to pray about what God wants me to do with my future. I am starting to move forward with one of my "options" but I need to make sure that is where the Lord wants me. I just need something to look forward to, you know? I am happy right now, but I need to have my binoculars pointed somewhere. I am hoping to continue with this feeling of contentment, but I am afraid that it won't last...not matter how much I want it to.

~~~~~~~~

February was not my month. I hope this post doesn't read as pathetic as it felt to write. I promise that despite everything that went down this month I am sitting here and feeling content. I do like my life. Even if it has its rough spots sometimes. I wish all life was peaches and cream but the fact of the matter is that it is not. Sometimes life is sauerkraut. And this month was definitely sauerkraut.

Seeing me.

2012-02-26T23:55:00.001-06:00

Hello friends!

Just wanted to drop in and say hi! I will try to start blogging more often, I really have missed it. I am starting to see the light at the end of my "funk" tunnel.

Some of you commented on the vague-ness of my last post...I am sorry about that, but at the time I could not go into more details. I was really, really, REALLY feeling down and just couldn't. It is kind of an embarrassing situation. I don't know if you guys read my list at all, but this whole situation is about #16...which is "Conquer My Fear of the Dentist." I haven't been to the dentist for years...and currently have a lot of problems as a result. I will have to have a few close to surgery-level procedures to get things corrected...the first one being this Friday.

Like I said in the last post, I am really feeling sorry for myself. I feel ugly. I don't wanna smile. I feel like people know, even if they don't. I am always covering my mouth with my hand. I know how irrational that is, I really do. But it's just what I am dealing with. I am doing better now than I was right after I found out...but it is still hard. I just don't want to smile. I just don't feel like me.

I know that God loves me and that He doesn't see how bad my teeth are. I think He is trying to teach me to have more respect for myself. And I am learning how little respect I actually have for myself. For a long time I was complacent with myself. In the past I would have said "content" but that sounds too positive.

When you are not in a good place it is not okay to be content with that! God wants what is best for me! He wants me to grow and He wants me to be pliable. I have not been pliable.

The diet was going REALLY well until I got the news about my teeth. Then I just felt gross and picked up a "Who cares?" attitude. Thankfully I have not gained weight back, but I wonder how much I could have lost if I hadn't "given up," ya know? Even though I was really taking steps in the right direction, it really wasn't about ME as much as it was about what I thought I had to do.

I never really put a lot of stake in what I looked like. I just don't. Sure, I am a girl. I LOVE to look cute and dream about amazing clothes and retro dresses...but when it comes to looking in the mirror and thinking I looked amazing, well, it just isn't something I do. I am an ask-er.
"Do you like this outfit?"
"Does my hair look cute today?"
"Did you notice my nails?"
"Would that look good on me?"
I ask. I look for complements. People don't just walk up to me and offer them that often. So I look for them. I don't see the answer in the mirror so I look for it from other people. This week was hard for me because I DID see the answer in the mirror and it was not the answer I wanted to get. I never expected that. And I don't like it.

I am trying hard to get past this...but it is hard! I know this may seem kinda "plastic" for me and I think that is kind of why it is hitting me so hard. Because it is not something I normally focus on or put value in. This whole experience has really changed how I look at things about my appearance. I have kinda lost my mojo with the diet...I am trying to get it back but the "who cares" attitude is a hard one to kick. I never thought I was this fragile...like this would have made me loose my groove in so many areas of my life.

Please pray for me. Like I said, I am getting better...but it is hard regardless. Not to mention the monetary ramifications of this... But I will get through this. I am working really hard to be open to learning what God has for me to learn. And I am trying hard to see myself the way that He sees me. Your support means so much to me, you have no idea! This may seem like a minor thing to you...but it is not minor to me, you know? One person's molehill is another person's mountain.

Oh, and folks?

Brush and floss. ;)

My blog has a new home!

2012-02-24T18:36:00.000-06:00

Notice anything different today?

Do ya? Do ya???

You are looking at the LAUNCH of.... {drum-roll here}

www.amillionlittlesomethings.com

Isn't that EXCITING!?!!?

I sure think so!

I also have a new email kenikolai{at}amillionlittlesomethings{dot}com.

Which I think is JUST as exciting. :)

However...enter the glitch. While I was really excited about the email address I was changing around which one was connected to my blog...and didn't realize that ALL of the blogs I followed were attached to my old email and not my blog. :( Slowly but surely I will start following you all with my new email address but it may take a bit.

WANNA HELP?!?

Comment on this post with your link and I will follow you!

If you don't follow me now, follow me and I will follow you back!

Thanks for reading, commenting and following! You guys have really made my days better. Every time I get a new comment or follower I do a little happy dance. Seriously. :)

Lots of Love!!

~k~

Friday's Fancies

2012-02-24T10:05:00.000-06:00

FF Hollywood Glam by tonsofsomething featuring fine jewelry

What girl doesn't want to look like a princess?!?

THAT is my favorite part of all awards show. The women, in the long beautiful dresses. The fancy jewelry.

The glitz. The glamour.

I just love it.

I LOVE that pink dress. Added with the blue accents. I would totally rock this.

I mean, I probably couldn't afford the cheapest item in the ensemble. But this would be amazing to wear.

I would feel like a princess.

Image Crisis.

2012-02-22T21:46:00.000-06:00

Have you ever found out something about yourself that made you see yourself differently?

Last week I did. It is something that no one could possibly know about...but just knowing I had the issue made me feel like EVERYONE on earth knew and it made me see myself as hideous.

Now, I know that these are lies from the devil. But when you are having those thoughts you can "know" until you are blue in the face...believing it is another story altogether. And last weekend, I didn't believe it. Not one bit. I didn't want to do ANYTHING but stay in my house because I didn't want anyone to see me. When I finally did go out I ended up breaking down to a friend to the point that her little girl felt sorry for me and gave me snuggles (which...yes, made me feel a little better).

I am still struggling with this issue. It is making me second guess a lot of things. Where I go. How much I get ready. My diet. Exercising. And writing. It is really hard to write when you can't see your value. If you can't see it, why should anyone else? I say that because it is what I am dealing with and why my writing "voice" may be a little different right now.

Even though things are tough for me right now, I have to believe that God is still beside me and loving on me just as much as He always has. He will bring me through this, teach me the lessons I need to learn and go further to mold me into the woman and the writer that He wants me to be.

Don't worry, the issue itself is not a HUGE medical thing or anything...but that doesn't make it any smaller of a "big deal" to me. If that makes sense. Please pray that God continues to lift my head and encourage me in what I am facing. Also, this is an issue I am a little irrationally fearful about so pray that I continue to have the courage to keep moving forward. Finally, pray that I can see myself the way God sees me ALWAYS and not just when it is easier.

Friday's Fancies

2012-02-21T22:12:00.001-06:00

Chicago by tonsofsomething featuring a brown shawl

{FORGOT TO POST ON FRIDAY *lame* }

I LOOOOVED the theme this week. I was so torn about where I wanted to fly away to. I have the hardcore travel bug, but I want to go places that I will probably never see. Well, this summer my bestie and I may be *finally* meeting...in the Windy City! So I decided THAT is where I was going to "fly away" to. This is an outfit that I would actually wear and may try to assemble for our trip. I am so excited to meet her...and to look cute at the same time!!

New Blog Swap Buddy!!

2012-02-21T12:00:00.000-06:00

Hey guys! Sorry I have been a little flighty with my blog...I kinda have some stuff I am dealing with that I need to process before I really get my writing "voice" back. Don't worry, nothing too serious, but I would appreciate your prayers as my spirit is a little defeated right now. Thanks!

I did want to hop on and introduce you guys to Janell! I have really enjoyed reading her blog and I am happy to have her as a swap buddy for the remainder of February and March. Please stop over by her and send her some love!

Hello darlings!

My name is Janell and I'm the lady behind Garbage: and other pretty things. I'm 20 years old and living in St. Paul, Minnesota even though I spent half of my life growing up in a small town in Wisconsin. I started blogging two years ago and love having God's work in my life worked out publicly. Garbage is a faith and lifestyle blog that documents my life, things that inspire me, and the transforming journey of my faith. Sorting through the garbage of the world to find what is truly precious: Jesus. You'll also catch snapshots of my friends, crafts, and other things that catch my whimsy. When I'm not blogging you can find me making sandwhiches at Subway or interning at a vintage/record shop on my block. My glass isn't half filled or emptied but rather overflowing, and I am a daily coffee-ist, college-dropout (temporary), diy junkie, and curious pollo-pescetarian. Well, lovely friends, I hope to see you over at Garbage: and other pretty things!

Crave Good Things.

2012-02-16T00:06:00.000-06:00

Okay, so a lot of you know that I have been watching my diet and trying to exercise more. So far, the diet aspect has been A LOT easier than the exercising. I have already lost 11 pounds. I am so proud of myself.

But this week God has really been convicting me. He is using food to teach me a lesson about something sooooo not food related.

He has been teaching me about my own stubborn will.

Despite what I said about the diet being "easier" I will also be honest and tell you that not letting go of my resolve and forgetting about even trying has been one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do. I know that I am not far into this journey, but the fact that despite my CRAZY busy schedule and this kinda funk I have been in I have not thrown in the towel is making me seem like I could make it. But I am constantly fighting with myself. You see, I live on Fast Food Lane. Seriously McDonalds and Burger King are so close that I could walk there without breaking a sweat. A little further is Chinese food and taco joints. It has been so hard. I haven't been making time to make my lunch. I am slacking off a little...but despite that I have not given up on it!

I want things that are not good for me. I despise things that are. I make one decision over another based solely on convenience and ease. I get so mad at myself for wanting to eat poorly. And yet I can not find it in myself to want to eat better. At this point I force myself, but trust you me...there is internal dialogue EVERY step of the way.

That got me thinking about God. God wants me to crave good things. God wants me to stay away from bad things. God wants me to honor Him by making decisions based on Him, not me. He offers me everything I need to do the things He wants me to do. But do I easily accept those things from Him?

No. Not always. I say "God, help my have a better attitude at work" and yet I catch myself joining in gossip. I say "God, help me feel more uplifted" and yet I often cower in the corner and feel defeated instead of see that He is carrying me. Even though I know what I should be doing, I don't do it. Sometimes I fight doing what God wants. I am self-focused and too proud to ask for or accept His help. I am too scared to look at a challenge and KNOW that with Him I can do it.

I feel so discouraged when my body and emotions betray me on this journey I am making towards a healthier lifestyle. How it must break God's heart when I am stubborn and disobey? That thought has really humbled me this week. It would be so much easier if I could trust Him enough to do as He asks and trust Him to provide what I need in every moment. I have been praying for strength to be weak.

I know that doesn't really make sense. But I want to be weak so that He can make me strong. I want to put me and my temporal desires far away so that God can make me into exactly who He wants me to be.

And that is more important than the end result of any diet!

All I have tonight.

2012-02-12T21:52:00.000-06:00

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,

You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus
When I am alone
When I am alone

When I am alone, give me Jesus
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus

When I come to die
When I come to die
When I come to die, give me Jesus
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus

Friday's Fancies!

2012-02-10T00:01:00.000-06:00

Valentines Day Option 1 by tonsofsomething featuring chiffon scarves

Once again I am linking up with {long distance loving} for Friday's Fancies! I am just having way to much fun with this link up! :) The theme this week is Pink and Red for Valentines Day! I had a little more difficulty with this one as I don't often pair those two colors together. Part of my reason for doing Friday's Fancies was to get out of my fashion sense-box. I have become so much more confident in who God is molding me to be...I want my sense of style to reflect that! I think this is one color combo that if I wasn't doing my spending freeze I would be headed to the nearest Goodwill to try to get an outfit. I love both red and pink...why NOT combine them?? But this one was definitely out of my box. Isn't that dress cute?

My Ultimate Song List!

2012-02-09T23:25:00.000-06:00

Alright, so after yesterday's post I wanted to write a fun one! Today I hooked up my external hard drive so I have been listening to music I forgot I had. It made me think about my favorite songs. You know, not just the ones you like...but the ones you would save if your house was on fire. (Not that the fire analogy exactly works here...)

These are those songs. In no particular order.

I know this one is long. But I had to share this version. My grandma had taped this concert and we watched it and danced together to it all the time when I was growing up. I absolutely love this song.

No story here. I just love this song. That is all.

This is my favorite song to sing to myself on bad days when I need to remember that God loves me. It is the song I would say would be a constant prayer of mine, even when I am not singing it.

This song used to play every so often when I worked in retail. It was so beautiful, but I would never remember it after work. And then, one fateful day, Pandora brought it into my life and concreted it as one of my favorite songs.

My second favorite song to sing to Jesus! (And this is my favorite version...I love Owl City.)

This is the newest addition to the favorite song list. I absolutely love it. I think it came from Pandora one night and I have listened to it so many times since then!

Those are "the" songs I can think of for tonight. There is also one that I wrote that I sing a lot too, but I don't have a video (hahaha, never gonna happen) for that. Maybe I will share it someday, for a special occasion.

Hope you enjoyed my random song list! I was just in the mood for it tonight.

What songs would be on YOUR list?

Going out on a limb here...

2012-02-09T00:17:00.003-06:00

I have been kinda quiet this week. Sorry about that! I have a little bit of 'splaining to do and then hopefully things will go back to normal and I will stop feeling like a hypocritical nincompoop.

Last week I had this great idea. I was going to be honest with you guys about something I struggle with. I started to write the post, but then I was too embarrassed of myself to post it. If you know what I do for a living, if you know the things I am passionate about and what I stand for...you would understand why I am so ashamed of that fact.Or, well, you will in a minute.

I think I struggle with dyslexia.

I have never been diagnosed so I am not going to say I have it. It's just that some things are really hard for me. Writing is one of those things. And that fact is really hard for me to admit because I take a great deal of personal pride in my writing and expressing myself this way. I am going to share a sample of my writing with zero self editing and when I wrote that post before I got scared and I didn't post it. The fact of the matter is that sometimes writing feels like the only thing that is mine and not even that comes easy. That is such a hard thing for me.

But after I shared what I ahd almsot posted with my mom I remembered what Pauls aid inh 1Corinithinas. He says something alongs the lines of "if I glory, I will glorying things that show my weatkness." Because it is whane we show our weekendss that God can really show Himself. It si only in the times that we are weakm that God can make us strong. I ams not saytihng thsiee things to assume that God has somd huge plan for me becausew writing is deifficult for me. It could be aquite the oppotsite I could just live my life as ag ilr who tries her best to honor Him warile writing a bloig that not too mmany people would wread. And you know what? That is okay with me. Maybe I won't reitgh a book someday. I alwyas that that I would but maybe that isn't what God has for me. For now it ise enoughn that I can log on to myh blog and whrite litlte posts that means ome thing to me and what the reaction when theyh happen to mean something to you. I love that. I love that God has yuse d my writing to connect me with people and bring mey to my best friend.

I know that is hard to read, and I apologize. You are probably sitting where you are (especially if you know me personally) with all kinds of speculations. And there is more to it for me than just my ability to actually write things. I just don't want to get into on here. Comment any questions and I will email you back my reply for this post instead of replying on the page.

I am really not sure why the idea to share this little tidbit with the blog world was ever something that popped into my head. But once it did, I was ashamed of myself and didn't want you to know. I am so sorry for that. I say that I believe that anyone can do anything despite the difficulties they face. But then I was ashamed by my difficulties. I am sorry for that.

I needed to write and actually publish this post to "clear the air" between me and my blog. This may sound crazy...but I do fight with it sometimes! And this week has totally been a fight! Hopefully I will be back a few times over the weekend with a couple Psalms posts and Friday's Fancies and stuff! :)

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

II Corinthians 12:9

Friday's Fancies!

2012-02-03T10:00:00.000-06:00

the spring professional by tonsofsomething featuring gemstone jewelry

Like I said last night, I am going to start linking up with {long distance loving} and do Friday's Fancies! I am so excited, Polyvore is so much fun to play with! I love to come up with awesome ideas for outfits and then try to create them more affordably so this should be a great project for me to start doing!

The theme this week was "Spring Fever" but I put a little different spin on it. On the off chance I do get an interview for that job I wanted to brainstorm ideas for an interview outfit. I am really really into yellow right now, which is odd because my complexion does not let me wear it! When I saw that beautiful plum colored blazer I knew it would be a great color to accent with the yellow. Plus, any shade of pink/purple makes all outfits better. :)

Link Lovelies!

2012-02-03T00:14:00.000-06:00

Hello friends! I had a few minutes tonight so I made a new page that is dedicated to featuring the blog buttons of blogs that I love to read! I KNOW there are more than I have so far included...I will take more time tomorrow to find your buttons. If you know you would like to be featured on the Link Lovelies page, comment on this post and I will grab your button. If you need to make your button yet, do a Google search or let me know and I will find a tutorial to connect you with!

If you are interested here is my button and HTML, feel free to add it to your site! Just let me know so I can return the favor!

~ALSO~

I am still looking for a blogger to do a sponsor swap with for February!

Basically all it entails is us swapping buttons on our main page (you would be featured on the top of my right column), sharing a short introduction post about our swap buddy and maybe writing guest posts for each other's blog if you are interested!

Let me know if you want to be my blog sponsor valentine!!

{Postscript: I am always up for guest posts ANYTIME, blog sponsor or not! If you ever get the urge to write for me email me at kenikolai{at}gmail{dot}com . I would LOVE to have you!}

So apparently it's a thing?

2012-02-02T22:12:00.000-06:00

So since the beginning of January (and, well if we are being honest...before that) I have known that I need to get better at controlling my spending.

I came up with this plan to do an exercise during the month of February. I was only going to buy the things and spend the money that I absolutely needed to spend and not buy anything unnecessary.

So it turns out that that is a thing...Frugal February! I have been blog hopping today and realized that I was not the only one with the idea.

Towards the end of January I considered changing my mind and canceling my resolve. It hit me that while I could maybe save some money throughout the month it really would not change anything. I will be honest and tell you right now that any money I managed to save would be gone by the second week of March. So I really had to think about how I could prevent that from happening.

Yes, it is sometimes sticky living paycheck to paycheck. But that is not entirely my problem. Spending is my problem. Wanting to buy every beautiful ounce of nail polish I can find is my problem. Wanting to buy a new outfit every time I meet people socially is my problem.

I think I came up with a solution. Whenever I want to buy something that is not on the "allowed" list I am going to write it down in my Erin Condren planner. If I am tempted by nail polish every time I go out I will write it down....every time I go out. At the end of the month I will evaluate the things I was tempted to buy and look at whether that was a need or a want. I will then work through how to budget in a way to get the things I need and not completely eliminate ever buying a want when one comes up. To say I will never use my money for fun is completely out of the question. But there has to be a balance that I can strike allowing for both needs and wants AND allow for savings. It will be hard but I know that I can find that balance. I may have to be careful for a while, but eventually the newly adopted and developed spending/saving will be second nature for me.

I will start doing a link up for "Friday's Fancies" in the hopes that putting together those posts will kinda feel like shopping and nurture fashion creativity in a month of buying no new clothes! Not even Goodwill this month! Also, I just think it looks like tons of fun in general! After February I don't know if I will want to do it weekly anymore...but we'll play that by ear.

Okay, so there are some purchases that I have no choice in. Here is the ALLOWED LIST:

Any and all bills. {Sadly there is no escaping those!}
Food! {I am still going to be frugal here. Continue to get good food at the store, but there will be no going out to eat or buying lobster tails to try for the first time. EXCEPTION: I will be taking my grandma out to eat for her birthday.}
Petro. {Again, sadly no getting away from it. But again, frugal. I will not choice February as the month to go on a road trip.}
As I said yesterday, I did apply for a job. Should I get an interview I will be going to Kohl's to get an interview worthy outfit. I have no such outfit in my house.

Alright, so that is my version of Frugal February. I don't know if I will need to update anything in this topic at all...I may just do a follow up post at the end of the month and call it good. But will see. If I am really Jones-ing I may have to let all you, my lovely friends, know how hard it is! :)

How did you set up your budget? Have you ever done anything similar to Frugal February?

Jumping into the deep end.

2012-02-02T01:50:00.000-06:00

I grew up living about two blocks from a community pool. We would walk there every day in the summer to go swimming. It was so much fun. If I remember right, I flunked out of swimming lessons at that pool...but that is another story for another day.

Remember that odd mix of anticipation and excitement about the deep end? I remember watching the "big kids" have so much fun jumping off the diving board when I was little. I don't remember being an especially fearful kid, but I do remember being afraid the first time I jumped of the diving board. If I remember right I didn't even jump...I just kinda stepped off it. But as soon as I got out I did it again and jumped! I loved it. I loved (and continue to love) the feeling of being surrounded by water. Swimming in the deep end has been my favorite thing to do in a pool ever since. It is so relaxing. And wonderful.

But the thing is, if you live in central Wisconsin and don't have opportunities do do things like scuba dive or cliff jump, jumping off the diving board and swimming in the deep end is as good as it gets.

Have you ever wished you could go back to that feeling of anticipation and possibility of something happening before you did it for the first time? Maybe I could word that differently. Hmmm. Have you ever been excited for something or so hopeful it will happen that you decide you are afraid to do it for the sole reason being that if it doesn't happen or isn't as good as you are expecting you no longer have anything to be excited about?

I am a firm believe in the power of possibility. This week I found out that I am maybe too firm of a believer. There is a job out there in internet land that I found. You guys know I struggle with things at work right now. I love my job but struggle with liking where I work. Anyway, I have known about this job for two weeks now and was all excited, like "DUDE. That job is mine." "I would be such a good fit." "I would rock that job's socks off." "I know this week is hard here, but someday I could be doing that other job."

But I never applied for the job. I was thinking about that today and why that was. I realized I would rather have actual hope and possibility of things changing for me than take a chance on applying for this job. My flawed thought process was this "If I apply for this job and I don't get it, I will have less than I started with. I will still be in my current job and I will have one more rejection to add to the pile."

That is pretty messed up isn't it? There is a girl I work with that absolutely HATES her job. But she has been there and hating it longer than anyone that currently works there. She isn't doing anything about it. I don't want to turn into her, all bitter and biting. But if I continue the way I am going with the mindset I have I will turn into a carbon copy of her. I will treat someone down the line the way she treats me, just because I have no other outlet for my frustrations.

I know that the economy is bad right now. I do. I know that it will be hard to find a new job right now and honestly I haven't actively been looking. But for a number of reasons, my eyes are open for any possibilities. As I sit here, I am learning that in order for possibilities to ever really be possibilities we have to take the next step and do the the possible. If that makes sense. When it comes to applying for a new job, it is not impossible. Yes, it is work to tweak a resume and write a cover letter. It is my least favorite thing to write. It is not impossible. But you also can't look at a job opportunity as a possibility until you hit the send button and email your potential future employer your resume and cover letter. Before that a job opportunity posted on a website is no better to you than the fact that right now there is a lion sleeping in Africa. They are both just facts. A job opportunity becomes a possibility when you do the work and put yourself out there to apply. That doesn't mean your possibility with come back with the result you want. But that is fine, just keep looking for possibilities and eventually you will find the right one.

The biggest long shot job of my life became a possibility tonight. If I get it it will be all God. If I don't, that just means God has a different path for me and I will keep looking for it.

Please pray that God leads me where He wants me to go.

Nice bumping into you??

2012-01-31T21:08:00.000-06:00

That moment when a book comes alive to you is a magical one. At least it is for me. I could be reading something because it is a good idea or something I should have read a million years ago and then it just hits you between the eyes and you see it completely different. It comes alive. Has that ever happened to you guys??

Well, it totally happened to me last night. Chapter seven of Persuasion blossomed to me. Confession time. I have never read a Jane Austen novel in its completion. Isn't that horrible?!? I mean, we are talking about ME! I love classic literature. I love period fashion. I love all the Jane Austen movies. I love classical piano. The fact of the matter is I have loved all things Jane Austen for YEARS. Without reading a single one of her novels.

Until now! It is on my list to read all the Jane Austen novels before I turn thirty. And I started with Persuasion. I mostly grabbed it because it was the first Jane Austen book I saw on my bookshelf. (Yes, I said on my bookshelf. I own most of them, lol.) After reading chapter seven I have come to the realization that I am going to love literary journey as much as I always thought that I would.

Okay, a little back story before I go over what I loved about chapter seven. I am pathologically single. You probably know that. I have never been in a defined "relationship." That said, I have several guys in the area that I don't want to see ~~very~~ ~~often~~ at all. And I totally just saw one of those guys this weekend.

So I feel Anne's pain, all the way. Granted, I know that her story has a happy ending and my story with any of those guys does not (not that I am limiting God...let's just say it highly unlikely) but I have totally gone through some of the feelings that the book goes through.

"But a week must pass, only a week, in Anne's reckoning, and then, she supposed, they must meet; and soon she began to wish that she could feel secure for even a week."

"Anne understood it. He wished to avoid seeing her. He had inquired after her, she found, slightly, as might suit a former slight acquaintance, seeming to acknowledge such as she had acknowledged, actuated, perhaps, by the same view of escaping introduction when they were to meet."

"It is over! It is over!" she repeated to herself again, and again, in nervous gratitude. "The worst is over!"

Have you ever dealt with any of those feelings?? I know I have. And yeah, that totally stinks...but at the same time I don't think I have ever identified with a fictional character as much as I did with Anne Elliot in chapter seven. I love that. She kinda feels like a friend right now. Even though I know how her story ends I cannot wait to read it and experience her story in a way I never have before. Jane Austen has this most beautiful way of writing that is kind of intoxicating to me. I just read about one chapter at a time for now (I have been busy with work and all) but it is a wonderful part of my day.

So what are you reading? Find any friends in the pages lately??

My Year in Psalms: Psalm 4

2012-01-30T21:27:00.000-06:00

Hi friends! I am a little tuckered out tonight, so please bear with me if I start to blabber a bit. I tend to do that when I am tired. And I am very tired. Work is kinda kicking my butt this week. Nothing I can't handle, but I am just exhausted. I have a to-do list at home that is about five miles long and luckily for us writing this blog post is on it, which means I can sit for a little while. I literally almost feel asleep on my clean laundry. It's okay really, there are good weeks and bad weeks...and this one just isn't one of the better ones.

I have yet to do the Psalm 2 study I am missing. It is on my to-do list. Look for it by the end of the week.

I enjoyed Psalm 4. That said, I did find one downside to doing the study the way I am. The Psalm said something different to me than it did to Wendy Pope. Which I know is fine, but at the same time I kinda questioned myself and wondered if I was doing something wrong. But then it kinda hit me that you can't do this wrong. You can't read the Bible wrong. It is impossible.

Again the themes of peace and sleep kinda stood out to me. I think it is because I have been so stressed out and busy with work. There was one verse that says "Be angry, and do not sin, ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent." I have a lot of "little" issues at work with coworkers/bosses. You know, the same kind of issues that everyone has at their jobs. I am really good at letting these issues fester until they become unbearable. And then I blow up. Whether it is inside and I just sit there and fume until smoke starts coming out of my ears or whether it is outside and I intentionally do or don't do something because I am angry. Last week I tried to deal with things internally as they came instead of just being mad and getting myself worked up. Right now I am, as I said, very exhausted. But I am not angry about it. I am making work related based on me and what I am feeling instead of being all bratty inside and thinking "Ha! No, I am not doing that because of _____________. That made me so mad. No way I am helping you out."

Another verse that struck me was the line "You have put more joy in my heart, than they have when their grain and wine abound." You could kind of do a fill in the blanks with that. You know, "You have put more joy in my heart than _____________" That was another thing I thought about this week. Any time I got that little green monster whispering to me I thought of the fact that God had given me more joy than I could ever possibly get from whatever I thought I wanted for a minute.

And the final verse of the Psalm is sounding really good right now, "In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

Goodnight, dear friends. Has God said anything to you this week??

I have a friend stopping by to say hi!!

2012-01-27T13:10:00.000-06:00

Hello friends!! Today Emmy from Love Woke Me Up this Morning is stopping by!

She is my Blog Sponsor Swap buddy for January and I just realized that I totally forgot to write a post introducing her!! I am a horrible blog sponsor buddy...but I will get better!

It is the end of January and it is about the time to look for a new Swap buddy! Let me know if you are interested! Comment if you want more info and I will give you more details. :) Yay!

Without further ado, Emmy's post. Enjoy!

I always love what she has to say.

~~~

I am in a slump.

Ever gone through those?

I go to work. I sit on the computer planning things for my job, organizing, making phone calls, writing, putting together lessons, checking and responding to emails, reading books, and getting distracted by everything that is the internet.

Then I go home. I change into my "normal person" clothes, take care of my dog, then turn on my computer, do some chores, watch TV, eat dinner, get distracted by the internet (again), read, go to bed.

The end.

Pretty exciting life, huh?

Where did all of those plans for 2012 that I laid out for myself on January 1st go? I didn't have resolutions, but I did know how I wanted 2012 to be. I wanted it to be fun, exciting, and full of new adventures. I was tired of the same old mundane routine that I always fall into, so I had goals, plans, and ideas. Some of them were:

-Go out on a date
-Hang out with a friend at least once a week
-Do things for other people that have nothing to do with my job
-Talk to people I don't know
-Do something everyday that makes my heart smile
-BE BRAVE
-Get my focus back
-LIVE LIFE

Well... that didn't last long apparently. I'm not really LIVING LIFE. I have fallen back into the same old routines that I always have - and I hate it. It doesn't make me happy. While relaxing and not having a ridiculously crazy schedule is a good thing - I know I'm missing out on life and just letting it pass me by. I'm 25 years old and I'm pretty sure this is NOT what God wants me to be doing.

But I can't get out of my rut. You know how when you're overly bored and you want something to do, but you are SO bored that you don't have motivation to do anything?

That's me right now. Which is ironic because the theme for my blog this month is "unusual inspiration." Guess I haven't been listening to my own advice.

So here I am, asking all of you wonderful readers of A Million Little Somethings... what do you do to get out of a rut?

I froze my butt off...

2012-01-26T23:58:00.000-06:00

and all I got were these pictures!

It was kind of a dreary day, but I thought some of the pictures turned out quite well. I am going to try to start sharing some pictures on my blog every now and then. I am by no means an avid photographer, but I love the idea of capturing the little bits of magic that I sometimes see.

Hope you enjoyed the winter wonderland that is central Wisconsin's fake mountain! I know I did, even if it was a touch too cold to be out walking yet. Hopefully it will warm up before too long so I can try again!

Operation Resolution: January

2012-01-25T21:49:00.000-06:00

Hi guys! Remember this post? I am following up on my promise to do a monthly update! I know, I know. Pretty impressive, eh? :)

First I am going to update you on all of the aspects of the image and then I will chat about the month as a whole. I hope you enjoy it...I know some of you have been looking forward to it. I hope it lives up to your expectations!

Think Positively This month I have really been focusing on trying to make goals and lists of tasks to be accomplished. I am including that under this category because it is really helping to think positive and focus on living in a positive way. I have a really great planner that has been helping me out a ton. Plus, I absolutely LOVE writing in it so that helps. It is so encouraging to cross things off my lists as well. And since I started doing that I have been so much more productive than I was in the past. I am not consumed with how much I have to do because I keep things under control. Which gives me MUCH more time to think positively.

Exercise Daily This is probably the one goal in which I have fallen short this month. I did not exercise nearly as much as I should have. {Just a reminder...this is NOT a commitment to exercise daily, but to exercise more} I did some exercise DVDs but I always seemed to find an excuse not to. I will try harder next month. Something that I have been learning and trying to get better at is that I cannot let my flubs or failures get me down or push me into the quicksand that is stagnation. I think sometimes stagnation is almost as bad as falling back. I should be moving forward where I should, instead of thinking I am content because I am afraid of the work it would take to change. Use failures as a reminder that you are human, not as an excuse to hold you back.

Eat Healthy Now this is an area that I can say I am doing quite well in, compared to December. I have been tracking everything I eat to hold myself accountable. I have also packed lunches for work for the last couple weeks. When I am at work I sometimes work so hard that I forget to eat or shove some really unhealthy food in my mouth when I have time. Since I have been packing a healthy lunch I think I have actually enjoyed my work day so much more, just because I take less than ten minutes of my work day for me. It hasn't been perfect, in fact I "splurged" today when I was out with a friend. But all in all this area of my life is changing for the better. Not only do I feel more confident in this area, but I feel better physically too. I don't know how much weight I have lost, but I have just felt better...you know? Also, if you are wondering, I have only had two Mountain Dews since I said I would quit. Once I did it because it was habit and the second time was at my grandparent's, when they had saved me one because they knew I liked it...I didn't have the heart to say no! :)

Work Hard Well, this month I have been working hard. I am trying really hard to get organized at home and I am happy to say that I can no longer go to bed without my kitchen clean! That is improvement, for sure. Before I would "leave it for tomorrow" until it got so bad that I just didn't want to do it. Period. Now I am so proud of how my house looks I want to keep it that way! So far it has hit the kitchen and the living room. But I am sleeping in the living room right now so that complicates things a bit. I am doing it kinda for the heat, I hate the idea of it having to heat the whole house when I could just as easily be nice and warm sleeping on my couch. Anyway, I have been working hard to become organized with my cleaning and with my list and goal making. And really? It is so motivating. It really is. I love that I can work eight hours, come home, knock a few things off the to-do list and then sit down and realize how much I accomplished in a day!!

Stay Strong This month, with making so many changes to my life, I have found myself celebrating the "little victories." Like: "You stayed on your meal plan today." "You got through your entire workout video." "You ROCKED at work today." "You didn't buy that thing you didn't need." Things like that. Remembering the little victories has helped me stay strong by helping me focus on what I CAN do instead of what I can't. I think I am stronger than I thought I was before. In the past I did things because I needed to do them, not because I believed I could. But you know what? I can. I am strong enough!

Worry Less I have noticed a difference in my thoughts since starting to do the Psalm study with Wendy Pope. When things get tough I find myself clinging to nuggets of scripture instead of letting it stew and stew and stew. I am a definitely a snow-baller. In the past I let problems just roll and roll and roll and they pile up until they look like something I can't get past or through. But the thing that I am realizing is that while I can't deal with things all the time, I serve this great God who can. Spending time in God's word daily helps me remind me of that and the fact that I don't need to worry because God has got me in His hands!

Dance More Okay, so the cd of the month is officially Kelly Clarkson's new one "Stronger." I love it. All of the songs are great to turn up loud. I wouldn't endorse it with flying colors, there are some small content issues. But for a single girl who loves to jam it up in the car, this cd definitely fits the bill!

Love Often One of my goals this year is to send all of my family and friends Birthday cards on their birthday. I only had two birthdays in January, but so far so good! A long time ago someone told me that to have friends you must first be friendly. I think the same thing kinda applies to relatives. I think about my family so often and sometimes I wonder why I am not closer to them than I am. But then it kinda hit me that I am not reaching out as much as I should be. One birthday card a year may not seem like a lot, but it is something. And I am committed already to returning any notes that may come back...so if you are a family member reading this, keep that in mind! I love, love, love getting mail!

Be Happy I have so many things to be happy about this month! And I feel happy too, which is great. Well, at this exact moment it is the exhausted kind of happy...but in general I have so much to smile about. I have a new best friend. I have a job that I really enjoy most days. My car battery hasn't died in a couple weeks. My apartment is cute. My couch is comfy. Life is good!

All in all, January has been a great month. I have taken at least baby steps in each of the areas that I went over. January was a lot different than December was and I can be very proud of the progress that I have made. I am so glad that I decided to do this monthly update, I am very excited about it!! I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I love to write them.

Now this is a version of tag I can handle!

2012-01-24T20:16:00.001-06:00

the rules:

1. you must post the rules

2. post eleven facts about yourself on the blog post

3. answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post,

and then create eleven new questions to as the people you've tagged

4. tag eleven people and link them on your post

5. let them know you've tagged them

my eleven facts:

1. I am hopelessly addicted to Pinterest. Really, I am. I love it.

It reminds me of being little and making "Dream Books" by cutting out pictures from the JCPenney's catalog.

2. I have decided I am no longer content to have non-polished nails! I la-la-love having cute nails.

3. Thin Point Sharpies in cool colors are my favorite doodle pens.

4. One of my favorite things about Christmas decorations are the stringed lights. Every year I am tempted to leave them up JUST for the lights.

5. I am quite afraid of birds. And the dentist. But I just made a dentist appointment, so I guess we'll see how that goes.

6. I wish I could be a nurse. Every single time I go to work or think about going to work.

7. I have started to read Les Miserables MANY times. I have never finished it. And yet I love it.

8. I live in Wisconsin. And from December until March I have sore muscles. From shivering. No lie.

9. I am working hard on knocking things off my list!

10. I love to be artistic, but I am not at all talented. At all.

11. My roommate's name is Maude. She is a Jade plant. True story.

christina's questions.

1. What is your favorite game to play? I am really not the biggest fans of games in general. I just don't care for them...I get too competitive and then no one has fun. If I had to choose I would say Dutch Blitz. I do enjoy Dutch Blitz.

2. What is something you do in your spare time just for yourself? Hahaha, spare time? What is that? I would have to say reading a book. Because that is the only time I cannot multi-task and do other things at once.

3. What is the most important trait to have in a marriage or relationship? I would have to say loving Jesus more than you love the person you are in a relationship in.

4. Where is your favorite vacation spot? I would have to say California, just because it is the place I have visited the most! And, my lovely relatives that live there make me that much better!

5. What is something you are proud of? I am most proud of my Associate's Degree. Now...if only it had been in a more profitable field! ;)

6. What is your favorite restaurant? A little Mexican place called El Mezcal here in town. As far as chains go...I am growing to like Burracho's! I guess I like Mexican. ;)

7. If you could visit one state/city in the USA what would it be? NYC

8. What is the best present you ever received? Honestly, I would have to say that the Saving's Bonds that my grandpa got me a long time ago. I used them to buy my sofa, which is my favorite piece of furniture. My grandpa died a few years ago now so using the money to buy something I wanted and needed so much was special to me.

9. What is your favorite weekend activity? Sleeping in.

10. What are you afraid of? Funny, considering I shared that above! Birds and the dentist, random I know.

11. What is your favorite memory from 2011? I have soo many memories of 2011! All in all, 2011 was a great year. I would have to say moving out was my favorite thing about 2011. I love my apartment so much.

my questions for you.

1. Why did you start your blog?
2.What do you do at the end of a long day?
3. Which season is your favorite and why?
4. What fictional charactor would you want as a best friend?
5. Desert Island. Three Items. List them.
6. If you could choose to live in a different decade purely for fashion's sake, which decade would you choose?
7. What song makes you crank the volume in your car?
8. What is most important to you?
9. If you could choose to have one dream for your life come true, which would it be?
10. Which collection of your's is bigger, movies or books?
11. If you could have dinner with someone alive or dead, who would that be?

my peeps.

1. My new blog friend Carolina Robin.

2. FireFairy at Daydreaming Out Loud.

3. My bestie Betty at It Takes Two.

4. Leelee at LeeLeeGirl's Life.

5. Amanda at Life According to Amanda.

6. Laura at Life with Laura.

7. Emmy at Love Woke Me Up This Morning.

8. Lindsey at Most Richly Blessed.

9. Rae at Reflections.

10. Jeanine at Wayfaring Girl on a Mission.

11. HannahMarie at Only By Grace.

Leave a Message at the Beep!!

2012-01-23T15:23:00.002-06:00

I may not be here right now....but you can find me over at Love Woke Me Up This Morning! That's right folks....I wrote my first ever guest post. And what a cool blog to be featured on!

Although, I may be here later....stay tuned. There should be at least THREE posts this week!!

My Year in Psalms: Psalms 1

2012-01-21T02:34:00.001-06:00

I was hoping to have a post in between the two Psalm posts, but oh well! :) Bear with me...soon I will catch up and it will be one a week!

Psalm 1 was about what we our DELIGHT in. Something that Wendy Pope said really hit a cord with me. "When we watch our relationships and watch our delight, God watches over us."

What do I delight in? Am I delighting in spiritual influences or secular things? We all need to make sure are delighting in the right things.

I think part of what the Psalm talks about is the fact that who we are in friendships/relationships with shows a lot about what we delight in. "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way or sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; for his delight is in the law of the Lord." We need to be committed to delighting in the Lord's law and not let the influence of the world change that. How do we do that?? It is harder than it looks.

But I have been learning that a commitment to spending time in God's word is crucial. The more time we spend in God's word the more we will come to desire t be closer to God and do the things He tells us too. Wendy Pope said that "Getting into God's word each day is the ONLY way that God's word can get into us." How true that is!

So what took me so long? I think one reason was the age old excuse of not having "enough" time. But something I have been thinking on is that it isn't as much as matter of not having enough time and more a matter of not spending enough time on the right things. How much time do I spend on here everyday? How much time am I watching television or watching movies I have seen fifty times already? Not having enough time is not an excuse for me. Yes, I am busy. Yes, there are times I am so stressed out that the last thing I want to do is add another thing to my day. But you know, it doesn't take much. I was so afraid of taking on another timely commitment but this Psalms study does not require a lot of time at all. And I have been learning so much from it. I didn't think I had enough time, turns out I just had to make time out of the time I had been given.

Do you DELIGHT in God enough to give Him your time? Do you DELIGHT in Him enough to be open to the change He will bring to your life?

My Year in Psalms: Psalm 3

2012-01-19T15:09:00.001-06:00

Remember when I talked about a cool opportunity for 2012? I have been doing the weekly study (although I need to catch up on last week's a little, I was sick. =/ ) on Psalms with Wendy Pope. I have really been enjoying it a lot! Each week one Psalm is covered and that has been great because each week God has taken that Psalm and used it to speak to my heart, smile on my life or challenge me. And I wanted to share this week's with you, which led me to decide to make "My Year in Psalms" a weekly component of the blog. I hope you enjoy it.

I chose the picture of the sunflower for a reason too. I actually had a dream/memory of sunflowers last night. We went camping at a place down south (which is still weird to say for this Wisconsinite) once and on the way to the actual campground was this huge field of sunflowers, which were beautiful. One day we went out shopping a little bit. When we left in the morning the flowers were facing one way and when we returned in the afternoon they were all facing another way. Now, I had heard about the fact the sunflowers follow the sun but that was the first time I had ever seen it for myself. This morning, as I was staying warm under the covers (we have high temperature of zero today...) that memory kind of spoke to me. My heart should be like a sunflower, always trying to look where God wants me to look and see what He wants me to see. Because only then will I get the "nutrients" He is trying to give me to grow. So I chose to use it for this Psalm study, because me doing this and taking time to be in the Word everyday is definitely a direction that God pointed me.

I am going to start with Psalm 3 because that is the one that inspired me to start posting and, as it is the third week of the year...it is this week's Psalm! Soon I will try to go back and write about Psalm 1 and 2 as well.

Psalm three really struck a cord with me. Like I said before, I had done week one in its entirety but had kinda laxed on week two because of being so sick. And you know what? Over the last weekend, I realized that I had been sleeping so much better the week that I had done the study and been in the Word everyday. I had no sooner commented on this to my dear best friend than I logged on and watched the weekly video teaching on Psalm three. The Psalm is wonderful. I mean, none of them aren't...but this one was just so in line with the things that were in my heart when I went to read it that it just struck me. One of the verses in it says, "I laid down and slept; I woke again and the Lord sustained me." How cool is that? That is one of my definitions of being "at peace." You know? To be able to lay down. And sleep. And then wake up because you slept well enough to get the rest you needed. Until I realized the difference in my sleep patterns when I read the Bible versus when I hadn't, that verse probably wouldn't have stood out to me. I had never considered that sleep was something that God sustained and gave to me.

But there is another verse that really got me through this week. It's been a really hard, long and stress-filled week for me and verse three said, "But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory and the Lifter of my head." Friends, HOW COOL IS THAT? God is the lifter of our heads. When we are tired and so exhausted that we can not even lift our heads, God will come along side of us and give us the strength we need. God will lift up our heads. That is amazing to me. Whenever things got tough for me this week, whenever I got overwhelmed I just thought of that. I realized that when I came to the end of me, it was okay. The song wasn't over. It wasn't the end of the line. When I come to the end of me that is when the Lord steps in. That is when He does awesome things. He lifts my head and He pushes me on. But it isn't my strength anymore. It is not what I have to do anymore. It is what He is doing through me because He loves me. He wants to do awesome things with my life. I need to get better at coming to the end of me and letting Him step in instead of trying to go on and get overwhelmed and get to the point of feeling defeated because I can't do it.

God is so good friends. This is the very beginning of this year of being faithful and loyal to Him by spending time in the Bible faithfully and daily. And already it doesn't feel like "work." I kind of expected it too. You know, I thought I would have to put so much work in remembering to do it instead of looking forward to it and consciously taking the time to do it before bed every night. And I enjoy it. And it ties into my life so consistently. It is wonderful to see God's word come in and tie into the things I am going through and dealing with. I encourage you to begin your own journey. If the Psalms study is not a good fit for you, fine. But begin or commit or continue to spend time in your own journey by reading God's word. It is going to change my life and it is already impacting my attitude and perspective. God is good and He can do great things. Give Him room to!

How does half of an apartment tour sound??

2012-01-14T21:26:00.000-06:00

My dear friend Lindsey was the first one to ask me to post pictures of my apartment and the time has finally come to at least partially grant her wish. :) I am FINALLY, after living here for almost nine months, happy with how my kitchen and living room look so I decided that tonight's the night. I also got a little crafty today so I will be sharing that too.

One of the BIGGEST issues I have had with my apartment was that darn wall in my kitchen. It sat there, empty, since the day I moved in. Inspiration for my craft project hit me before Christmas, when a client bought her granddaughter a French Message Board for Christmas. It was a totally epiphany moment for me! I was like THAT is what my kitchen needs.

I had a spare fine art canvas at home that I was going to use, but when I got around to shopping for the rest of the supplies I needed I found two magnetic cork boards that were damaged...I asked the lady if I could get a discount on them and she said yes. It only turned out costing me a mere $3 more to do two boards rather than one! I was so excited!

Originally I was going to do two French style boards, but tonight while I was working on the first board the "magnetic" factor of the boards inspired me to change it up a bit.

The French Message board turned out ADORABLE!!! Instead of batting I was able to get my hands on some leftover "snow" sheets from Christmas for a mere $1.97!! I think the most expensive part of the project was the fabric...but the coolest part is that I didn't have to spend more on that to get the two boards.

The other board I just wrapped in fabric with no batting and just put a ribbon border on it.. This way I can use the "magnet" aspect of the board to post pictures! I like the way it also shows off how cute the fabric is. :) I mean, you can see it on the French board...but the magnet board almost "frames" the cuteness. Love how it turned out.

My kitchen looks so cute and complete now! I looooove it so much. I also love that the French board covers up the hideously ugly phone jack that I do not need. I was so excited to find that cute rug for my kitchen...if it literally had my name on it in the store it wouldn't be more perfect for me!! I realize that the boards do not exactly go with it. But I have what I like to call a Kaleidoscope Eye. If I like it for a room, it goes with the other things in the room. It may not match, but half the time my socks don't match...so what difference does it make?? ;) And for me, if you know me...it just works.

Ahhhh. My living room. I am soooo utterly in love with how it is right now. I don't know if you can tell, but my couch is on a diagonal. I did that to make room for my Christmas tree, which was where the desk is now. When it was flat against the wall the room just looked so plan to me. I mean, I liked the things I had decorating it and all...but there was just something missing. When I was taking down my Christmas tree it struck me that my little desk would fit PERFECTLY in the corner. That way I could store my printer and everything right there. And I loooooove having it out here. It is so much easier to write at a desk than on a couch.

The other side hasn't changed much, but I still love that bookshelf I have! :) I am so in love with books and I love to be surrounded by them. In my mind, nothing makes a room look loved and lived in than books. The words on the wall are part of another project that I am working on. I hand traced and cut out the letters for all of the Fruits of the Spirit. For the empty spot in the middle I am working on cutting out a TON of hearts that I will Modge-Podge to a canvas in the shape of a cross. I am sooo excited to have the finished product...but it is definitely proving tedious. Someday it will look amazing and on that day I shall post a new picture, I promise!!

The last thing I wanted to show you tonight is the centerpiece that I created for my coffee table! My grandma does a lot of canning...the spare jars just sat up on my counter forever! One night it just hit me. Candles look soooo good in jars. The centerpiece started with just the different size jars but evolved to include a couple wine glasses and a float glass. I just LOVE it. The only problem that I have with it is how fast the tea-lights burn out. I know that they have those fake ones now, but there is just something about an actually burning candle. Oh well, at least they are cheap!!

I hope you enjoyed seeing part of my apartment. It is kind of a cozy apartment, but I apsolutely love it and I love it even more now that it is really feeling like home. I decided after I moved in that I would be staying here until I get married unless God moves me. And that feeling has not gone away. I really am happy here. I love how "me" it is becoming. Eventually I will share my bedroom with you, but I am not quite "done" with it yet. It is getting close though.

What makes your home feel like "home"?

This post had a mind of its own!

2012-01-11T23:12:00.000-06:00

I am starting to feel somewhat better. However there is still a grand ol' pity party going on up in here.

I am trying to watch what I eat. And it is kicking my butt. Monday and Tuesday I was sick so I didn't pay "that" much attention. I still did pretty good. Yesterday I was hungry at the grocery store and *victory moment here* I bought a Lunchable. That may not seem like a victory moment to you, but when I was in the grocery store I used to work at...so close to the cakes I used to stock and the doughnuts I used to make...it definitely was to me. Today I did not go off "menu" AT ALL. Which was amazing.

As I am writing this it feels more amazing than it did ten minutes ago. Ten minutes ago I was wondering if I could make to the grocery store before it closed for some cake and then reminding myself that Taco Bell is open late. I am literally jones-ing for junk food. I don't keep any snacky stuff in my house so that makes it easier to resist...but for supper I was tempted to go off menu and have Tuna Helper with a side of Rice-a-Roni with baked beans for dessert. There is not a single item in my pantry that I could not make and eat RIGHT NOW.

The frustrating, motivation killing thing for me is the fact that I ate enough today. I am not following a plan right now really, this is just something I made up to try to get myself disciplined. I have these meal choices for each meal and snack that I developed for myself. Today I ate a nice breakfast, I had lunch with my clients and I had a filling supper at home. I had some good snacks throughout the day as well.

There is no reason on God's green Earth that I should be thinking about those baked beans in my cupboard at 10:30 at night! I am literally laying in bed right now trying not to get up and eat. Just because I am bored. Because I am still a touch sickly. And because I am feeling sorry for myself.

You see, I got on the scale this morning. Maybe that was my fatal pity party inducing error. Or maybe it was just what I needed to say to have so many tiny *victory moments* today. I have been eating a lot lately in anticipation of watching what I eat "soon." For almost two weeks now it was "Ooop, guess I have to eat this...I am going to work on losing weight soon and then I can't eat it anymore." or "Here are the things I need to eat before I try not to anymore."

Is there any logic in that? Seriously, is there? I gained weight, like...enough to get upset about, because of that decision making process. Where would I be now if I had started THEN? I should have started this horrible grueling process then instead of waiting, (yes, I'll say it) binge-ing and making it harder to get where I want to be in the long run. I am trying to dwell on the victory moments, but it is so hard sometimes.

When I was a kid with braces, sometimes the darn brackets would come pop off or come loose and just be hanging there on the wire. I would lay in bed at night and just pray and pray. I would say "God, you healed blind people and stuff...could you just fix this bracket so I don't have to go to the orthodontist again??" And you know what? He never did miraculously reattach those brackets. It's not like it was a "crisis of faith" experience for me or anything...but I kept doing it. I never understood why He didn't but I think that right now it is kind of coming to me. Literally, as I write this.

It's not about braces anymore. Sometimes I just go to bed praying and crying in my heart "God, I know...I know...maybe I won't wake up tomorrow and look like Katherine Heigl or Renee Zellweger when she wasn't fat for that one movie....but could you please maybe make me feel better about me? Can I wake up tomorrow and be pretty to me?" And you know what? He hasn't done that. I know that it is not because it is something beyond His capability...I think it is because He wants me to learn and grow through the things I feel and see now and develop those things into the way He looks at me and the way that He desires me to live. You know, if I can work hard and change my life, especially in the area of food, it WILL be a miracle. If you don't see that, just go back and read the first half of this post again. I think that God is just asking me to meet Him half way. To run towards Him if I can, walk towards Him when I am sore and crawl towards Him when I can't do those other things. He doesn't love me less because He is asking that I do those things...to me it says that He loves me more because HE BELIEVES I CAN. He loves me enough to know what I am capable of even when I don't.

Wow. This has really been an epiphany moment on my blog. And the post kinda took a turn as I wrote it. God really surprised me tonight.

And you know what? Baked beans aren't sounding so good anymore. :)

Come, join me for a pity party.

2012-01-09T14:55:00.001-06:00

I am sick. Between sick, busy and generally uninspired...I haven't posted much in 2012 so far! I'm sorry.

It's not for lack of trying...last night I spent almost an hour writing a post inspired by tad-pole shaped dust. And then it hit me that I was writing about frogs. That post went to the recycling bin. Actually it may still be saved somewhere, I will have to remedy that. I am glad I caught myself. Seriously, it was a cold-induced post about how I feel I have a lot in common with a developing tad-pole. 'nuff said.

Today I have been mope-ing around in bed all day. I actually called in to work, so that should show you how sick I am. I am totally having a "sweat the small stuff" kinda day. For example:

"Do I actually have to get dressed to go to the store?"
"Why does the orange juice store have to be soooo far away?"
"Why do I live in Wisconsin? It is cold here."
"Why is my cute glittery nail polish deciding to literally pop off like acrylic nails?"
"My kitchen is literally a million miles away."
"If I worked from home, could I stay in bed all day?"

So as I sit here and somewhat seriously consider a life of solitude (in which I could have groceries and nail polish delivered..naturally) I am making the somewhat foggy brained and melodramatic decision to reach out to the outside world to remind you all that I am still here. I am just a bit less, ummm, well rounded than I normally am.

I hope you chuckled at bit at my misfortune. Really, I do. I might be tempted to chuckle too. :) I am not going to write anymore today for fear of saying something truly dumb. Instead I am going to peal myself from my all too comfortable bed and make the epic journey to Krik Trip for OJ, Gatorade, Milk and eggs. We shall see if I can make it. You never know...right now you may be reading my generation's precursor to The Odyssey."

That last sentence crossed that "truly dumb" standard I had. My apologies.

You give me the Warm Fuzzies!

2012-01-06T01:24:00.000-06:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about the type of people I allow to get close to me or give the power to influence how I feel. I have talked about it before, but my blog has really helped me in that department.

You see, out here, in cyber-space, I feel like I can say whatever I want because you can either choose to read this or press the little "x" and close the page. I appreciate every single one of my comments because I know that it is someone who wanted to read what I have to say and stayed long enough to put thought into commenting on it.

If only life were that easy. If only we could tell that easily if the people in our lives cared enough to invest in it. I know, I know. Sometimes you do just KNOW. But all to often it is confusing because you cannot tell if people actually care or if they are pretending.

Tonight the story of the Warm Fuzzies popped into my head. I don't think I have the book anymore so I can't exactly remember the story. But I know there was Warm Fuzzies (in the picture) and Cold Pricklies. Warm Fuzzies made you feel warm, happy and loved while the Cold Pricklies did the opposite. Now, I know that not everyone in life is going to like me. I am not naive.

But wouldn't it be nice if we were given some more tangible evidence when we were getting to know someone? If we could tell if they were a giver of Warm Fuzzies or a seller of Cold Pricklies? Sometimes it is so hard to tell until it is too late and we get hurt. It is so rare to find a person that is honest and true and communicates their feelings. I think it isn't that people try to be unkind or something, but sometimes things get so dragged out that even if people don't like what you have to say or offer they don't know how to tell you or stop because they wait too long to say anything. I was one of those "trapped" people for a long time...and that feeling stinks too. And then, when you (or someone) do speak up there always ends up being hurt involved on one or both sides.

The thing about Cold Pricklies is that they kinda look like Warm Fuzzies. Think of, ummm, burrs wrapped in cotton. You can't tell they are Cold Pricklies until you set one on your shoulder and they get stuck...the longer they stay stuck the more hurt, bitterness and frustration they bring to you. That is kind of what an unhealthy friendship looks like. You start out thinking it is or will be a good thing, but it ends up causing you more pain.

I was in an unhealthy friendship for a long time. And I knew it was unhealthy for a long time. I think I was just in denial for most of the friendship. God asked me to end it for a very long time. But I didn't know how. It had gotten to the point that I was not the person I wanted to be just because I was afraid to or didn't know how to end the friendship. I let myself be influenced by someone who lived a very different lifestyle than me. My friend did not understand my faith and did not want to accept my stands. I eventually obeyed God and did end the friendship. I had to because I could not be myself. I could not grow and become the person the Lord wanted me to be if I was so consumed in not upsetting this friend. So far, that is the hardest obedience God has ever asked of me. It was so hard to end the friendship because it wasn't like I had tons of friends lined up and waiting for me. But I did. And even though it was horribly painful for me and unacceptable to my friend (even to this day), I had immediate peace when that decision was made. And God has honored that decision. He gave me one of the best summers of my life and has now brought into my life a friend that I probably would have missed out on if that other friend had still been in my life. I am so thankful to have a God that honors obedience to Him, even when it is hard and we can't understand it at the time.

I am so thankful to you, my dear blog readers. Knowing you are out there brings me so many Warm Fuzzies. Thank you for taking the time to invest in my life by reading and especially by taking an extra moment to comment. I try to show my heart out here in blogland in a way I can't quite do in "real life." Yet. So your encouragement makes making the jump to non-online life even easier. Which makes you all so much more special to me.

You never know when just a hello could change a day or even a life...take the time to do the small things for others, you never know when it could mean the world.

New Years, New Changes

2012-01-01T17:06:00.000-06:00

So right now, as I type, I am sitting at my grandma's house after eating, ahem, more than my share of Prime Rib and watching an IMPRESSIVE Packer win against the Lions. I didn't get a lot of sleep before working at 6am this morning so I decided to log onto the blog in an effort to stay awake longer.

This will sound lame, but I need to get back on a bedtime schedule. Routine produces sleep if you are me and there hasn't been much routine in my life....or sleep, as a result. So I am going to try really hard to stay up until my bedtime, even though I could go to bed now and sleep until my alarm clock goes off tomorrow morning. Really, I could. So as part of my desire to be a healthier person this year this is the first step I am taking. I work 6a-2p. Or 3p. Or 6p. Depending on the day. :-/ So I really need to start getting more rested so I don't face plant in exhaustion at some point. I am pretty darn close at this point. Another couple weeks like the last week or two and I will be done for.

I think the important thing about striving for a healthy life is that health is holistic. You can't focus on just one area and expect your whole outlook to change. Look at my life with me for a second. I get an average of about 5hours of sleep per night. I work over 35hours every week. I don't eat that much, rarely breakfast...sometimes lunch. Most of the time I end up eating one huge meal a day. And I normally go for FAST instead of health. I don't exercise besides my very physically demanding job (that my body has become used to...most days). I complain about my stomach. I complain about my zits (seriously, c'mon...I am almost 25 here!) I am tired all the time. I complain about my joints. And, oh yes...I complain about my weight.

But the thing is I can't just make one change and be looking for miraculous results. Like change #1...the sleep schedule. Sure, I would be a lot more awake. I would maybe be more relaxed at work and at home. But my life wouldn't really change all that much.

Or adding change #2...quitting Mountain Dew. This will be a hard one for me. I mean, stopping at Kwik Trip is part of my routine a lot of mornings. I am soooo addicted to the stuff. Going on a sleep schedule and successfully quitting Mountain Dew will help me feel better. I think Dew gives me stomach aches and really messes with my body so theoretically I will feel a lot better once I do quit. Sugar is also really bad for your joints, so it could help that as well. But people always tell me "Dude. Just quit Mountain Dew...you'll loose 20lbs. Easy Peasy." Dude. There is nothing easy peasy about loosing weight. Sure, quitting something like Dew that is bad for me WILL help, but it is NOT a cure all or a quick fix.

My first two changes of 2012 will for sure help me. But I just wanted to take a second today to remember that this is a long term journey, filled with many MANY changes. These are just the first two. The first stepping stones. And they both will be hard for me. But you know what they say...Sometimes the hardest things prove to be the most worthwhile. And while these things will NOT mean the end of the war, they are two battles that I will hopefully be able to look back and remember. And I will eventually be able to move on to the next battles. Eventually the war will be more won than not, but right we are just at the beginning.

What kind of changes are you inspired to make this New Year? As I grow older, I am growing to believe more in the concept of change than the idea of resolution. Sure I could make a list of very specific goals that I could tell all of you. But what happens when, at the end of 2012, I have to look at that list and realize that I have fallen short? I really struggle with feeling defeated sometimes and I definitely don't want to walk myself right into those feelings. But if I commit to change my life instead of achieve specific goals perhaps next New Years Eve I will be able to look at where I am right now and say, "You know what? I have changed." I have ideas right now of where I would like to be, but I am choosing not to focus on the maybes but on the possibilities. I could do or get or achieve a lot of things if I really set my mind to it. But I will also be able to achieve, get, and do perhaps even more if I learned how to make decisions that will holistically support living a healthy life, making good decisions and having my priorities right.

Happy 2012!! Focus on the possibilities.

Wait...isn't that a car ad? Oh well, not changing it now! :)

An Opportunity.

2011-12-29T00:45:00.000-06:00

I know, I know.

Two posts in one day? What I am...crazy??

But this opportunity is too good to miss out on.

I have a confession for you all.

I am not good at spending time in the Bible everyday.

I enjoy reading the word, but the thing is that I do it when it is good for me...not because it is what I should be doing for spiritual growth.

My dear friend posted a Bible study program on her Facebook that I have decided to commit to doing.

It is a daily (Monday through Friday) study on the Psalms for all of 2012. I am tired so I can not give it justice right now in the way of explanation, but I wanted to post it ASAP so that you could join everyone who will be doing this study if you would like to. I would love to gather a group of people who do want to do it who could communicate via email and get to know each other and hold each other accountable.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE...

Go to the website and see what it is all about. Take the time to watch the videos and see how it will work. It seems like a truly great opportunity to grow in the discipline of studying the Word and maybe grow in friendship as our walk with God is strengthened as we do this. Please let me know if you are thinking about it so I can pray for you. And for sure tell me if you decide to so we can touch base. My email is in my profile on here, otherwise "like" my Facebook page and comment on that wall. :)

And the website is...

Trusting God for a Better Tomorrow

Please check it out and let me know what you think!! :)

A Goal.

2011-12-29T00:12:00.000-06:00

Okay, so every year at about this time a post like this pours out of my fingertips. I am hoping that this year's proves to be different. I would like to think that this post is a natural overflow of the direction that this blog is going...that just happens to overflow the week before the New Year.

Or, well, maybe I am full of myself and that was just a really wordy way to say "Hey, it's time for Kayleigh to make some resolutions ya'll!!" *sigh* At least I tried...

I found the image today on Pinterest and it kind of inspired me. In the past my resolutions have been utterly soaked and dripping in negatives. Don't do this. Don't eat that. Stay away from that. Don't watch that.

I am really changing right now. I am trying to make my goals and decisions in a way that facilitate positive change in my life so I am bringing you along for the ride, my dear blog readers!

Those things listed in the image there are my "resolutions" for 2012. Once a month, during the last week of the month, I will blog about how I met those resolutions in the last month. As an example I am going to try to do it for December. Some of them, obviously, will not have been met because I didn't care last month. But I want to commit to working towards positive change and growth in 2012 and I really think this is a good way to do it.

*december*

*think positively*

This month I have been trying very hard to dwell on the positives with my work situation. Things are so stressful and hard. Focusing on client care and being the best darn DSP I can has really helped my attitude.

*exercise daily*

Hah. Yeah. Sure. Not so much. ;) I will be keeping track of the days that I do go exercise and will give that number here. It is unrealistic for me to say that I will exercise everyday in 2012.

*eat healthy*

Again, not so much in December. If it counts, I felt guilty every time I binged on goodies. :) I am not going to turn my blog into a calorie counting blog, but I will share what steps I took each month towards living a healthier lifestyle.

*work hard*

Now, I write a lot about work. But I want this portion to be about more than just that. Let's see, this month I worked hard to develop my blog and begin to communicate with other bloggers. I have been trying to write faithfully and give you all an honest representation of me! :)

*stay strong*

December was a big month for me and work. This month I stayed strong by trying to keep a positive attitude and not vent to the clients when I was upset. Sometimes it was really hard because it was so "in the moment."

*worry less*

This was not a good month for me and not worrying. Work kicked my butt. I look forward to making an effort to worry less in 2012.

*dance more*

I am a huge fan of listening to music that makes me smile and sing and dance. This month it was (big surprise) Christmas music. I did a lot of dancing in my living room to some wonderful old songs and artists. Maybe here I will add a "song of the month" in the future!

*love more*

This month I have made a very dear new friend through my blog. I have been really enjoying getting to know her. We have both come to the conclusion that we are two halves of a whole that have finally come together after 24 years. She is such a treasure to me...I feel as though I have known her so much longer than I have.

*be happy*

My blog has brought me so much happiness. It has brought me a new best friend. It has lead me to other amazing blogs. And as I have been writing it I have been slowly growing in confidence and contentment. And happiness. :)

I hope you guys like this idea. I really like it because it is a commitment to monitor how I am progressing with my goals and growing in the things that are important to me. This would be a good way to keep track! I am excited and can't wait to see what 2012 has to offer!

A Christmas Side-note.

2011-12-24T11:36:00.002-06:00

"But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart."

Luke 2:19

When you grow up in a Bible believing church as I am very grateful to say I have, you learn about the story of Christmas story many times. I loved hearing about it as a child and I still do, but sometimes my heart would get pulled into the direction of the smaller parts of the story. My heart wants to know what it was like to be a shepherd. Or my heart admires the intense bravery of the wiseman, having such faith in a small child that they would risk their lives in disobedience of the king. Or Mary. And that is what what I want to talk about in my Christmas post.

What must today, so many years ago, have been like for Mary? We don't get a whole lot of background information about Mary's life before Gabriel spoke to her the first time. I like to think about her life sometimes and wonder at the fact that she was a sinful human woman, perhaps not so different than me. I picture young Mary growing up in Biblical culture. She was probably trained from a young age to be a wife and a mother. Domestically speaking, she probably knew how to do a lot more than I will ever know! I wonder if she knew or had some feeling as she was growing up that her life was going to be bigger than everyone expected. Did she have the support of her parents and family?

I wonder what her relationship with Joseph was like. I wonder if they knew each other before they became engaged. Did she get to enjoy the sweet joys of young love before finding out she was the mother of the Savior? Did Joseph make her wishes for her life come true? Did she look and listen and wait anxiously for her bridegroom to come to her? Did she love him?

I wonder what it was like earlier in the day her life changed. I wonder if she kept getting goosebumps of anticipation because she knew something would happen. I like to think that maybe she knew her life was going to be different and that it was going to exceed expectations. I know she didn't have any idea she was going to be the mother of the Savior, but I know that I hope that my life is different and that it exceeds the expectations of everyone in my life. I think that is the desire of a lot of woman. I mean, who grows up thinking "I hope that someday my life succumbs to the monotony of the everyday??" Not many, if any. I like to think of Mary as the same. Mary could have had dreams, but she kept living the life she was given too. I wonder what she was doing when the angel came and drastically altered her life's path?

I sit here and I find myself completely unable to even speculate what it must have been like to receive the tidings that she did. I mean, what would you do? I would FLIP. I mean, I could have been waiting and waiting to find out who I was going to marry. I could have been anxiously awaiting the day that man would claim me as his bride. I could have daydreamed about our life together and the children we would someday have. Despite the angel standing in front of me, I wonder if my heart would be as filled with fear as I think it would be. I think I would have been so scared about the thought of all of that disappearing. Mary asked one question and gave one response.

“Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.”

Luke 1:38

I wonder what it was like for Mary when she did, finally, hold her Son in her arms. Did she have any indication that she held a baby born with love in His eyes and the cross in His heart? I wonder what it was like to be his momma. I am not even going to speculate because I am sure that any of my wonderings would fall short of that reality. But could you imagine? She was an imperfect woman who was the mother to the perfect Savior of all mankind. Amazing.

While I do, in a way, admire her as I would admire any woman who followed God, what I take away from writing this blog post is that I need to have a servant's heart like Mary did when God brings something unexpected into my life. I need to embrace His will without fear or selfish ambitions or desires getting in the way. I need to want what He wants, in a way Mary must have.

~~~

I hope you enjoyed my little Christmas side-note! I want you all to know that this blog has been such a wonderful blessing in my life lately because of YOU my readers! I mean, I always take something away from each writing session I have, but nothing brings me more joy than to know that the things that I write are read, thought about and responded to. Every time I get a comment I do a little dance. It seriously makes my day. I am so thankful that you take the time to invest in my life in this small way. I love to comment on your blogs too because I know how much it means to me.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas Eve/Day with family and friends and that you take more time than it took you to read this blog entry to remember the real Reason for the season. God bless you all, my dear bloggie friends!!

A Single Christmas.

2011-12-22T17:18:00.000-06:00

Most years I get a little sad around Christmas. I get a little worked up about what I don't have. No hubby. No babies. No cute little house with a craft room painted pink. No Boston Terrier.

This year? Not so much. As I sat in a coffee shop the other day talking to a friend I was looking around and coming to the realization that this year was different for me. I am not all mope-y about all those things I don't have yet.

I am not gonna say life is all rainbows and unicorns, it has actually been rather stress-filled since Thanksgiving. I have a high pressure job. I have a little apartment. I struggle with money. I struggle with my weight. I dance in my car. I sing at the top of my lungs. I wear clothes from the Goodwill...because I like it. I paint my nails in colors that get comments.

There are still a lot of things I want that I don't have. And I think there will be for a long time. But for the first time in my life I am realizing that there is a lot that I have. This is the first year since I remember caring about such things that I can look back and say that 2011 was a good year. That isn't a dig on my life before this year, but this is the first time I have seen it as what it is. It took me 24 years, but I have officially started to live my life. And I am totally good with the life I have. Like I said, it isn't all rainbows and unicorns...but it is mine.

I think that, in a small way, is because of this blog. Especially in the last couple months. When I am active in updating I spend more time reflecting on the things that happen and thinking about my life in general. And the writing. My fingers dancing on the keyboard on a regular basis boosts my spirits. It really does. Maybe that sounds funny. And I am so courageous on this blog. Maybe it doesn't seem that way...but for me, in my way, I am. I am totally and completely myself on here. And that is slowly just starting to spill out into real life. I used to think it was just the blog, you know?? Like, it doesn't matter what I say or who I am because if someone doesn't like it...they don't have to read it. They don't have to be here.

Last week, at the encouragement of a sweet friend, I took myself out. I spent upwards of three hours blogging at a coffee shop (this may become a regular thing) and then I went to a movie. By myself. I sat there, completely alone in the theatre. I had so much fun kicking back and having a screen almost as big as my apartment to myself. And then, as I walked out to my car it kinda hit me that I was happy.

I did some thinking after that night. And you know what I said about blogging? How people don't have to read it? That is true about life. People don't have to be your friend if they don't want to be. Why try to change who you are to please people who "don't want to be?" No, I am not perfect. There are still a lot of things about me that I need to work on. There is a difference between being perfect and being true to yourself. And the "true to yourself" thing is what I am working on. I need to be true to the woman God has created me to be. I need to stop trying to please others and changing myself to fit their molds.

I think that is why this Christmas is different than I the others. I am living my life and I am seeing what is important. I am growing in my relationship with Christ and that has allowed me to see myself as the woman He created to be. In 2012 it is my goal to let more people in to see that woman. And I am bringing this blog along for the ride!

A Big Difference.

2011-12-20T22:39:00.001-06:00

I found this on Pinterest awhile back and it just popped up again. I wanted to share it with ya'll. It is a good reminder to all of us. I think so often I focus on being Super-woman, I forget that what I need to focus on is Abiding-woman.

Thank You, dear Lord for this reminder today. In spite of the crazy that seems to have taken over my life lately, You give me reminders of Your great love for me. Whether it is finding things like this or whether you bring me a new dear friend though cyber space. I am so thankful to You for Your love. Please remind me to abide in You. Because I am not superwoman. Please give me the courage to stop pretending that I can be. I love You.

A Bitter Fruit.

2011-12-18T19:06:00.000-06:00

I have been learning a lot at my current job.

I have been learning a lot about a lot of different things. About a lot of good things to learn about.

But the things that most stand out to me when I think about my current job is all of the hard lessons. The hurts and the pains.

Don't get me wrong, I love what I do for a living. I la-la-LOVE my clients and doing my part to meet their needs. The job is not hard to love.

Some of my coworkers, on the other hand, very much are. The biggest lesson I have learned is about bitterness. Bitterness and negativity, once planted in any environment, quickly grow rampant and can almost literally take over and tear something that could have been good apart. And then all you are left with is a bunch of broken pieces on the floor. That, without a doubt, is what is going on at my workplace. And let me tell you, it is hard as heck when you are trying your darnedest to be the resident Pollyanna.

There are a lot of bad situations at work right now. I will not dispute it. But it feels like my coworkers are trying to go out of their way to exacerbate the situations. On top of that, some of them continue to make it their mission to make me feel bad about the work I do.

And that is so hurtful to me. I have a challenging job. Everyday that I clock in I know that something is going to happen that is going to stretch me in some way. Every single day. What I don't want to have to count on is the fact that in one way or another my coworker will do something to tear me down. I will be the first one to admit that I was learning for a long time. I was learning the ins and outs of working at this group home. I was acquainting myself to the clients' many idiosyncrasies. I was developing a rhythm that would give me time to tackle the chore list. I guess I can understand sometimes getting frustrated with an under-trained chica trying to learn the ropes. But I have a firm grip on the ropes now.

It is so frustrating!! One particular person looks for things to come down on me for. And I am doing a good job. I mean, I am kicking the chore list's butt and all the clients are well taken care of. I have talked to my supervisors and they love me. The clients like me. I have a way with the client that other people loose patience with very quickly. And yet this girl still shovels dirt on me day after day after day. Today I wrote my boss a vent-note (she and I joke about them, lol) saying that I was worth more than wanting to go home every night wanting to watch a Nicholas Sparks movie just so I could have a good cry. (Which, coincidentally, is what I am doing.)

And you know what?? That is true. It really truly is. The thing that gets me is that it ~~doesn't~~ shouldn't matter who I am at that place. It shouldn't matter who anyone is at any workplace. Here is the "life application" of this all, if you will: TREAT PEOPLE WITH RESPECT, YA'LL. Even if you think that making a snide remark about someone behind their back isn't a big deal...it will be to that person if/when it eventually gets back to them. And if you don't think THAT is a big deal, remember that while one person may have an plastic back that everything slides off of...a lot of people have a sponge for a back whether or not they want it to be that way. Words can hurt. And they do.

I am trying really hard to be the bigger person in all of this. I am currently pretty thankful that I am not more assertive...or words definitely would have been exchanged by now. I probably would have said something stupid to make things worse. I can't even tell you all the stupid things that run through my head. But I am assertive enough to know how I deserve to be treated. And I deserve to be treated better than this, you know? I am trying to get up the guts to try to deal with this situation, but I am so afraid after being, well, bullied for five or so months now. Please pray for me, that I can deal with this situation in a way that brings glory to God at the end of the day. If that means staying quiet for now, than I will stay quiet. But if God wants me to say something, pray that He gives me the guts and the words to say what I need to say.

.

A Proverbs 31 Post {3}

2011-12-15T16:45:00.001-06:00

Who is someone you know who inspires beauty?

These Project 31 posts are proving to be a lot harder and thought provoking than they seemed when I started this. And I am only on question three! I really wasn't expecting them to be as difficult to write as they have actually are. A lot of times I know what I want to say but I have trouble finding the right words and sometimes even struggle with wondering what you all would want to read, even though that isn't the point. To a certain extent I deal with that every time that I write a blog post, but sometimes it feels like the pressure is on with these questions. Not sure why! But getting this done is on my List, so it will get done...even if it feels like the pulling of proverbial teeth.

I have been thinking about what to write for this particular question for a few days now. When I think about who inspires beauty for me, a dear friend of mine comes to mind. I hope everyone has that one friend in their life, the one who we can look up to and aspire to be more like. Let me take a little time to tell you about mine.

She is older than me. I really admire that she took a risk on love and that it paid off for her. She is kind, gracious and full of joy. She has grace under pressure and is not afraid to be true to herself and what she is feeling. She loves people and she takes a gamble by showing them her heart. She goes out of her way to welcome people and encourage people. She is great for hugs and for bad day chats. She loves Jesus with all her heart and her family is her priority. I love that when you talk to her you see that...the conversation always goes to Jesus. Not in an annoying way, like you are being preached at, but you can just tell that she loves Him so much that is what she wants to talk about. Her love for Him spills out to those around her. She may not be perfect (who is??) but she loves Jesus and she is real.

I have learned so much from the time I have known her. I have learned that I need to be true to the woman God made me to be in order to find a man who will love me for who I am. I have learned that anything less is unacceptable. I have learned that it doesn't take much to touch a life and encourage a heart. I have learned to speak when I have something to say because it may just be what someone else needs to hear at that very moment. I have learned that life doesn't need to be exciting to make you happy, it just needs to be yours and you need to see it that way. I have learned that Jesus needs to be number one in your heart and in your life. He needs to be your number one priority.

The great thing about this friend is that she didn't really go out of her way to teach me these things. I have learned them because she loves on me and takes the time to invest in my life just by being in it. It doesn't take much to influence a heart and impact a life, she has done both just by being my friend. But, and she will tell you this too I think, the most important thing is that she points me to the Lord every that I see her. Everything else may be less important, but I hope she knows how special it is to me.

The thing about beauty is that it isn't just about what you see. My friend is a very beautiful woman, but my life is drawn to the beauty in her heart. Someone can be physically beautiful, the very epitome of the definition and be an ugly person at the end of the day. True beauty can not be captured with a camera. Real beauty, the kind of beauty I want to emulate, goes to the heart and very core of your being.

That is the kind of beauty from friend inspires in me and the kind of beauty that I hope I can someday inspire in other people.

Another of THOSE Posts.

2011-12-14T18:32:00.001-06:00

This one.
This one too.
Here's a good one.
Yep. Another o ne.
Did you think I was done?
Nope. Not quite.
Sadly, I could go on.
But this will be the last one.

You seriously do not have to read all those. I mean, you can if you want to. But they are nothing more than a personal load of crap. I am really really good at speaking and writing.

I ain't so good at the doing part.

Last year on New Year's Eve, I weighed 198lbs.
I currently weigh 190lbs. Wow, I mean, WOW. At least I am going in the right direction. I can't believe I just said that. Seriously, did I just say that? Seriously. Ugh.

I can not tell you how much money I have spent on this thing I am currently thinking of as the "I feel fat today. Let's change my entire life in one day, no going back" roller coaster. I have bought books. I have bought workout clothes. I have a gym membership. I have bought shoes. I have written I have done a lot, a lot of things.

But I haven't changed. Seriously, I did all that stuff. I put all that time, effort and money into losing weight and looking better. AND I LOST EIGHT POUNDS. Crazy biscuits. Eight pounds. In one year.

So maybe this post isn't another one of THOSE posts, but I really am coming to realize that I am pretty darn messed up in this area. I am hoping that 2012 brings me the lasting change that I need. So here is the ONE commitment I am going to make: I am going to have one blog post a week (at least through February) about me in this area. Any progress. Any setbacks. Any necessary rants. So please bear with me. I am hoping that some of the AMAZING support and blog-love I have been getting lately will follow me in this area.

Sometimes I feel so alone in this...am I?

A Christmas Tradition.

2011-12-11T16:23:00.001-06:00

{Disclaimer: This is going to be a long post!}

Yesterday I spent all afternoon at my grandparent's house. They don't live that far away so I get to see them quite often, but yesterday was special to me. Every year on Christmas my grandma serves Pierogi. As a family we always have called them p'doggy, so that is what I am going to call them for the remainder of the post...Pierogi is a tricky word to spell! ;) If you don't come from a Polish background you probably have no idea what p'doggy is. I think the best comparison I can make is that it is similar to Italian Ravioli...but different. P'doggy dough is sweeter than just the plain semolina dough of ravioli. They can be filled with anything from potato to fruit to cheese, which is the recipe I will be sharing with you today!

Growing up with my grandma and great grandma always making these every year, I have wanted to learn how for a long time. I want to someday be able to make them for the next generation...P'doggy is not really one of those things you just decide would be a good idea to make. Maybe it is if you are up to the challenge, but I wanted to learn because of family tradition and because they are just so gosh darn good! They would be a great family affair as there are several steps and they are quite putsy to make. I would advise having at least one person helping you out. You would want the ingredients to stay cold until they are cooked and there are a lot of steps which would make that very hard.

First of all....The recipe!

Pierogi Dough

4egg yolk

6½ cupsflour

1 stickbutter or margarine

1 cup milk

1 large canevaporated milk

1 teaspoonsalt

3oz creamcheese

Mix andchill until very firm! Preferably overnight!

Cheese Filling

Okay,depending on what is available you will need:

6cartons---8oz dry cottage cheese

4 or 5cartons--- 12oz of dry cottage cheese

3 cartons---16oz dry cottage cheese

(note: ifyou cannot find the dry cottage cheese you can substitute the same amount ofricotta for similar results. My grandma is very partial to the dry curd, but myaunt says that ricotta will work.)

If thecheese seems juicy squeeze out as much juice as possible. Your next step is touse food processor to chop up cottage cheese.

2 eggs, addyolks first, then if mixture is not too runny you can add the whites or twomore egg yolks.

¼ to ½ cupsugar, to taste

Salt totaste , be careful sometimes cheese can already be salty

Add about3tbsp melted butter (watch that cheese mixture doesn’t get too soft or runny. )

Chill untilcheese mixture is very firm. Again, overnight is recommended.

Directions

Well, the dough and cheese mixture needs to be refrigerated overnightso they are nice and cold. My grandma and aunt mixed them all up the nightbefore so it was ready when I got out to their house today. The first step wasto ball up the cheese mixture. We used a little scoop, like for ice cream butsmaller to do this. It was about a 1inch scoop. This gives you the perfectamount of filling for each p'doggy. As I balled the mixture we put them on acookie sheet lined with wax paper. Once the pan was full of cheese balls itwent outside. Wisconsin in December?? It is like living in a refrigerator. Or,well, a freezer today. Grandma had a couple little saucers in the freezer too.That way we could use those to put the cheese balls on when we making theP'doggy so they wouldn’t get too warm.

To roll the dough out you will need flour. But you want tobe careful not to use too much flour because the p'doggy will get too brownwhen you fry them up. You will need theflour though, the dough gets quite sticky as it gets warm while you are rollingit out. Roll it out nice and thin. Ikept asking grandma how thick it needs to be and all she said was “Just roll itout until it is thin enough” I would estimate that it was about half acentimeter by the time she said to stop rolling it.

When you are done rolling, go get your cheese balls. Youmake p'doggy one at a time. Put the cheese ball onto the rolled out doughleaving enough room to roll the dough over the cheese ball. Then there is thisfancy tool that we used to crimp and cut the p'doggy. I would equate it tobeing something you would use to make tart pastries. The tool is a full circlebut you only use half circles for p'doggy. You put the tool around the coveredcheese balls and push down to seal the p'doggy. Then you will need to rotatethe tool around a little (and gently) to cut the p'doggy. Make sure the p'doggy has sealed, if it has not, use your fingers to pinch any gaps in the crimping. Then put the p'doggy on a pan dusted with flour. You willwant to cut off the edges of the dough that you cut around and set it to theside. Do not mix the dough back in with the new dough you will take out of thefridge. This is to avoid using too much flour. The fresh dough doesn't haveflour in it yet and the scraps as you go will. You will use all the dougheventually, but you don’t want to commingle the floured and the fresh dough.Once you finish making the p'doggy with the dough you have out, return theexcess dough to the fridge.

If you are cooking alone (it is easier if you have a friendto help) make sure any unused cheese balls are returned to the fridge. Before you do anything else, take a second to poke the p'doggy a few times each with an upholstery needle to get the air out. It isnow time to boil the p'doggy to cook them. The neat thing about this is thatthey sink when you first put them into the water. You will know they are donewhen they begin to float to the surface. As the p'doggy finish cooking put themonto the non-stick foil, which my aunt highly recommends. It is easiest if youhave two locations for drying the p'doggy off. Let them dry off on one side andthen turn them over and put them on the alternate drying site.

When they are dry you simply (hahaha, finally to the“simply” part of the recipe) fry them up in butter until they are nice andgolden brown on both sides. Unfortunately I neglected to take pictures of them cooking...I was too excited to eat them!

My grandma always makes a ton of them…you canfreeze whatever you don’t use when you make them. They freeze really well. Infact the ones we made today are for Christmas. When you freeze them, put a bitof wax paper in between them otherwise they will freeze together.

Now, if you want a little idea of what p'doggy are like, some grocery stores have them in the freezer department. I recommend Mrs. T's potato and cheese. My grandma's don't have potato in them, but these are still very very good! Especially when it is the middle of the year and all the Christmas p'doggy are gone! :)

If you are thinking about trying to make them...cool beans! They are quite time consuming, but they are so worth it. If you have trouble finding the Tart tool go here. There may be more economical choices out there. Maybe look through cooking toys for Italian cooking...maybe something that would be used to seal ravioli would work!

I had so much fun out at my grandparent's house yesterday! It was fun to spend the time with my aunt and grandma. There were LOTS and LOTS of Polish jokes going around, which was fun. At one point my grandpa got up and said something along the lines of "I am German. I don't gotta listen to this." and left the room! :) Grandpa worked on decorating the Christmas tree while we made the p'doggy.

And this? This is what Terry, the somewhat psychotic dog did for most of the day:

No, she is not dead. She just goes belly up on occasion. For fun, I guess! lol

Well, I hope you enjoyed reading about p'doggy! I know it is a lot different from what I normally blog about, but every once and awhile I have to mix things up! Yesterday was special to me, I really enjoyed learning how to make something that has been in my family for so long. It was great to be able to learn from my grandma! :)

A Questionnaire.

2011-12-09T17:58:00.001-06:00

I saw this on another blog and it looked like fun! Kind of like a guided list of random facts about me...that you may or may not have wanted to know.

1. What's the nerdiest and/or weirdest thing about you?

I am a closet Trekkie. Yup. There. I guess that is officially out of the closet now though. :) I don't know why I like it so much, my aunt really liked it when I was growing up and I think it just stuck. I have seen a lot of the original series (Captain Kirk) and some of The Next Generation (Captain Picard). It's not like I have seen every episode, but only a true fan would feel as bad as I do that I can not do the "Live Long and Prosper" thing with my hands. *sigh*

2. If you could live in a fictional universe from any book, movie, or television show, what would it be?

Wow, that is such a hard question. I am an avid reader so there is so much to choose from. I am going to go back to my childhood (let's face it...this is still a fav) and say CS Lewis' Narnia. I have always been entranced by fantasy creatures. I remember reading The Magician's Nephew as a child, the part where Polly and Digory are sleeping next to the Pegasus and flying on its back always made me wish they were real. And in Narnia, well, the Pegasus is barely even brushing the surface. And then, of course, there is Aslan too. What reader of Narnia wouldn't want to meet him and bury their faces in his fur, even before they see the symbolism behind his character? Once I did, there was no going back!

3. Little or big, practical or frivolous, what are a few of your favorite items in your house?

Well, my laptop when it is charged! (Long story...ending with me not having a cord to charge it with and having to annoy my bestie who is almost my roommate to borrow her's all the time!) I also love my bed. I slept in the same twin bed forever until last year. I loooove having the big bed now...and it is comfortable too. :) Also my sofa, which is amazingly comfortable and was quite cheap. You probably don't care about how much it cost, but I did not have one for a long time after moving out. It totally completes the apartment! Some day I will take pictures of my place! Of all the things I have in my apartment...it is my apartment that is most special to me. I love having my own place. I wish it wouldn't have come with so many bills, but hey, that's life! Welcome to the real world, eh?

4. Do you like animated movies? If so, what is your favorite?

This is another hard question because I love animated movies! I am a fan of the Disney princesses and up until a couple years ago would, hands down, have said Beauty and the Beast. That was replaced by UP. I love UP. I cry almost every time I watch it. You know, in the beginning...the montage of Carl and his wife's life together? It gets me every time. The first time I watched it was the day after one of my first deaths as a caregiver. So I always think of the lady that died and the husband that was left behind without her. {Caregiver moment here: As a caregiver sometimes you become so absorbed with what the client/resident is like in the here and now that you forget that they had a whole life outside of being under your care. I know that may sound calloused, but that is just the way it is. This movie is kind of a reminder for me. That and it is sooooo darn cute and funny too.} I didn't expect the wide range of emotions I got from this movie. I think that is part of the reason I like it so much. Oh, and Beauty and the Beast is now in third place. It is UP, Tangled and then Beauty and the Beast. :)

5. What is your least favorite household chore?

In all honestly I don't really dislike any household chore. With my job, I am really desensitized to the ick factor of cleaning. It does get somewhat annoying sometimes though. I guess what I am the worst at is keeping up with what needs to get done. I think I spend more time than I need to cleaning because, living alone, the messes get bigger than they should so so it just takes more effort to get everything back to normal.

6. What's your favorite thing to get at Starbucks(or favorite coffee shop)?

Starbucks is okay...I enjoy a Caramel Macchiato every now and then. But my coffee heart beats for Biggby. I ♥ Biggby coffee. I still don't get there often, but if the choice is mine...that is where we would go! And I am a total dork about it, when I can't make up my mind I just tell them "Give me whatever you want with an extra shot of espresso!" I know there is nothing there that I would not like. Oh jeez, now I needs me some Biggby.

7. What is your favorite pizza topping?

Ham and Pineapple!

8. Waffles or pancakes?

I don't have a waffle iron, so definitely pancakes!

9. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I don't really remember. I think I changed my mind a lot. Besides the typical "I wanna be a mom!" horse trainer stands out to me from my childhood. I was completely and utterly horse crazy back then! I kind of grew out of it. In high school I used to think I wanted to be a teacher.

10. Do you prefer cooking or baking?

Cooking, hands down. This is going to make me sound like a total control freak, but I can't stand the thought of something sitting in the oven and being out of my control. I would rather have it simmering on the stove top where I can be watching it, monitoring its taste and adjusting things as needed. Baking is good on some points though, I can always blame the oven if things go wrong. ;)

11. What would be your dream job?

My current dream job would be running a successful CBRF for adults with special needs. I love working at one and would like to run my own (as an owner or Home Manager). I see how many ways I could make a difference where I work now, I would like to be in the position to actually implement my ideas. I would also love to be a foster mom in whatever area God needs me to be, but I am waiting on my future hubby for that job and those decisions! I would need support to do that.

12. Do you make your bed every morning?

Well, I work at 6am. So no, I don't normally make it in the morning...but I have to make it every night before I get back in it. I hate getting all twisted up in all my tons of blankets!

13. Picasso or Norman Rockwell?

Norman Rockwell is great, don't get me wrong! I would love to just plop into his paintings sometimes. But while Picasso is not a favorite of mine (I lean towards Impressionism personally) I like that Picasso had the nerve to artistically represent the world as he saw it or felt it instead of how it really appears on the surface. That is why I like art that isn't totally realistic. Impressionism, for example, says to me that the artist couldn't find a way to express what they saw clearly in their art. Not because it was inexpressible, but if they painted an apsolutely realistic representation it would somehow detract from their subject matter. Take Degas' ballerinas. When you look at them you can see them moving almost. When he looked at them he saw what they were doing as well as what he thought they would do next. He interpreted what he saw and that is what we got. I love that. That isn't to say that Rockwell didn't have it. But I like that Picasso and the Impressionists were completely unexpected.

14. Do you like carpet, tile, or hardwood floors?

I like hardwood! I like the look of tile, but it is sooooo cold on the feet.

15. What is your least favorite thing about yourself??

Right now I would have to say I don't like the fact that I am better at writing than I am at talking. It is so much easier to express myself with a pen or keyboard than it is to formulate the words that need to be said when they need to be said. It is frustrating. And it gives me so much emotional turmoil when I can't get the words that are screaming inside of me to come out of my mouth.

16. Last movie you watched??

Maybe this should go under the first question too....I am a total X-Men geek too. I just finished watching First Class right before I sat down to do this entry.

17. Computer or Television??

How about a web-enabled television with a wireless keyboard? That would be the best of both worlds. :)

18. Favorite Sound?

My phone telling me I have a text. I loooove getting texts.

19. If you could have a $5000 shopping spree to one store, which store would it be?

Would my landlord count?? Otherwise, sorry to say, it would be Walmart. Because Walmart has everything. I would love to say like REI or Scheels or something because I love that kinda clothing, but Walmart would be the wisest choice for me.

20. If you could be any Jane Austen fictional character who would you choose (or if you would prefer any fictional character)?

Elizabeth Bennet. Omygosh, I wish that I would have the nerve to respond to Darcy's first proposal the way she did! Regardless of the circumstances, it would be hard for me to confront someone that way. She found the words. (Maybe I will add more to this answer tomorrow, but my laptop is about to die and...no cord tonight, lol)

A Whole Lot of Frogs.

2011-12-06T19:47:00.001-06:00

I am really very nervous about writing this post. I have not been this open about what I am about to talk about yet. A lot of people have very strong negative feelings about this. I will try to address that a little.

Here it is: I have been trying online dating.

With very minimal success. I have met some pretty nice guys, but none of them have been my mister. Last night I was going through and looking at my matches. It really made me think about what I want in my future mister. But first, for humor's sake, let's talk about what he won't have. Or be. Or say.

I should start by telling you that all of these things are things that I have seen. He will not post pictures of him in gangsta' poses. Or of him taking a picture of himself in the bathroom mirror. He won't write in his profile that most people think he is shy but in reality he just has a cold personality. He also will not say in his profile that he wants to get married in jeans, a t-shirt and cowboy boots. Yup, true story.

I had quite a few snort laughs as I was going through my matches last night while I was making a list in preparation for this post. Yes, there are a lot of frogs out on the internet. But you know what??? The guys walking around in my town are not all Cary Grant either. By making the decision to try online dating, I am not saying that God couldn't still have my mister walking around here somewhere. But I was not willing to completely write off online dating. So I decided to try it. And you know what? I know that it can work. Two of my favorite couples met online. Maybe it will work for me, maybe it won't. But I am trying it and I am learning from it. And I will continue to try it until I get zero enjoyment from it or God closes that door somehow.

I am learning what I want in a relationship. The biggest thing so far is that my mister will be the spiritual leader in our relationship. I can not tell you how many guys say that God is most important to them...and then don't mention Him again after that. That is not cool. And I will not be content with that. Because, see, God IS most important to me. Any relationship that doesn't include Him will always be on the back burner. The second thing so far is that the gut is an amazing thing. You know? As in "stick to your gut." If your gut says that you won't hit it off with some guy, chances are you won't hit it off with some guy. What is the point in dragging things out?

So I guess I mainly wanted to introduce you all to this new little corner of my world. Maybe you are okay with it, maybe you aren't. I won't talk about it often, writing about it now was nerve-wracking enough for me! Just bear with me as I try to find my mister. :)

A Project 31 Post {2}

2011-12-04T19:43:00.001-06:00

Entry #2: What makes you uniquely you?

I just asked my mom that question in reference to me (I am sitting at their house waiting for Lasagna.) and her answer was that I march to the beat of my own drummer. I started this post yesterday and have been having trouble writing it. So that is what I am going to go with. I march to the beat of my own drummer.

It's kind of funny, because sometimes that is literally true. I have the internal radio as wide and varied as the music you hear walking in and out of stores at the mall.

I have spent almost my entire life trying to fit in. I would change how I dressed. I would change the things I like. I would change what I liked to talk about. I would change the books I liked to read. My life was really about changing. I would change who I was to fit in with who I was with. It was exhausting and it was dishonest.

And you know what else?? It was a really unfulfilling way to live.

2011 has been a good year for me. I have been learning a lot about who I am, what I like and who I want to be. I can't really point out aspects of those things that make me unique, I think a lot of people can be, like and want to be any number of the things that I do. I don't think that makes me any less unique.

I think uniqueness comes when you take those things and start to own them. When you like something, you aren't afraid that the people around you will disapprove. You like it because you like it. When you make a goal, you aren't worried about whether other people think you can do it. It is your goal. If you can make it and you work hard enough, you can achieve it. And then it won't matter what people think. So why would it matter in the beginning? Just live up to the skin you are in.

I think my growing ablity to be who I am is what makes me unique. I try not to change who I am no matter what. And I am trying to become more assertive and be willing to stand up for who I am. Don't get me wrong, it is still really hard. I was such an actor for so long that sometimes it gets hard to be who I am around people who know me. Which is why I love meeting new people. And love, love, LOVE blogging. I feel like I can be myself on here. If people don't like it they can close the page. If they do they can follow me and we can become friends. I really like how simple that is. :)

A Question.

2011-12-03T22:51:00.001-06:00

So I guess this is the week for thought provoking Bible studies!! I mean, it's not that I don't learn things from every Bible study I attend...but this week in particular God has really been showing me areas where I need to grow.

Today a question was presented during study that really hit me.

Do we love God or are we just fond of Him?

The study talked about the dialogue between Peter and Jesus at the end of the book of John. (John 21:15-17, to be exact) Peter had denied knowing Jesus three times. This was a conversation in which Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved Him.

Do I love Jesus enough to stay by His side in the most adverse circumstances? Or would I deny Him as Peter did? It is a hard thing to think about. I mean, I would like to think the answer is that I would remain loyal...but would I really? Do I truly love my God or do I just like Him because of what He gives me?

I can honestly say that I love God, but it is worth pointing out that there are different kinds of love. Do I love Him the way He deserves, or do I love Him as my friend? Like the kind of friend that I call when I need something or a shoulder to cry on. I love, love, love that kind of friend...but would I choose to dedicate my life to that friend? Would I make decisions based on that friend? Probably not.

True. Jesus is the best friend we could ever ask for...but He did not come to earth to be our friend. He came to earth to be our Savior and He deserves to be loved as such. I am going to be brutally honest here and admit that I do not love Him that way nearly as often as I ought to. Which is all the time. Times like this, times when I am humbled by His truths, are about the only times I see Him as He is and me as I am.

The fact of the matter is that I do not dedicate my life to Him on a daily basis. Sure, I love Him. He is my friend. I cry out to Him when I need Him. But do I try the hardest that I possibly can to do what He asks of me? Do I make life decisions with His glory on the forefront of my mind? The answer to that, I am ashamed to admit, is no.

I do not read my Bible on a daily basis. I read it when it is good for me. When it is convenient. I do not commit to setting aside time every day out of my schedule to do it. There are chores to be done. Friends to hang out with. TV shows to watch. Having quiet time with my Lord is a way that I can show God that I love Him by desiring to spend time with Him. I am going to commit to doing this every day for the next 21 days. (I hope to get to the point where I want to do it...where I look forward to it and do it everyday, but they say it takes 21 days to create or break a habit.) My life is crazy busy, but I don't want that to be an excuse for me anymore. If I fail, if I miss a day, I will simply start fresh the next day. If it takes me the rest of my life to do this 21 days in a row I will never stop trying. That is how important this is to me.

I am claiming the verse at the end of the last post, Philippians 4:8-9, to help me with this goal. If I fill my time and think on things that honor Him, I hope to become more and more dedicated to having this daily time dedicated to Him.

Any relationship you will ever have in life requires time. I am done seeing my relationship with Jesus as any different.

An Aspiration.

2011-12-01T21:05:00.001-06:00

Tonight I went to Bible study and the man leading it said something that kind of struck me.

He was talking about how in athletics coaches are constantly telling their athletes to BE GREAT. He then went on to say that in that regard, God is our coach. He wants greatness for us!

That really got me thinking. Which kinda hurt because I have a headache tonight. At least they are good thoughts.

Is my life great? Better yet, do I feel like my life is great? I don't think you have to live a great life by the world's standards to live greatly. If that makes sense.

I say that, but I am not really good at living it. More often than not, I am defeated. I hide away in my apartment wearing sweats because my work is so exhausting. My boss is unkind. My coworkers don't always do their jobs. I let the frustration take control of me and make me want to hunker down and cuddle with my fleece blanket and a good movie. This week I took a stand with the situations at work that are so bad. And instead of feeling empowered by that, I am afraid of what may happen as repercussions to that decision.

I hear talk of greatness, of being brave, of standing up...and sometimes I just want to physically stand up, slam my hands on the table and scream.

"I AM TIRED! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HARD I WORK. YOU DON'T KNOW THE THINGS I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH. YOU CAN NOT POSSIBLY ASK ME TO DO MORE. OR TO DO WHAT I DO DIFFERENTLY. I CAN'T. I DON'T HAVE ANY STRENGTH LEFT TO GIVE."

But tonight it kinda hit me. My little outburst up there? That is me. That is my strength. I simply can not do more right now. I am exhausted. I can not keep fighting anymore. I am emotionally drained. I am in physical pain some days. I can not do it. Did you catch the running theme there? ME, MY and I.

Friends, I serve God. A great God. A God who asks me for greatness, but Who doesn't expect me to do it on my own. That is the kicker. That is what got me tonight. It is not about my strength. It is not about my greatness. It is about HIS. God is all powerful. I just need to grab on to and hold His strength in my heart and allow it to lift my spirit closer to Him. I need to claim His greatness in my life. And by doing that, my life will be lived greatly because He will be there helping me all along the way.

Why do I fight Him? Why do I endlessly continue to rely on my own power when it obviously is not working for me? I become hopelessly defeated before I finally concede, "Yep, Lord...You're right. I can't do it." So I let Him pick me up. I get back up and then I start tugging the control back inch by inch. It is this horrible cycle for me I am ashamed to say. It breaks my heart when I take time to think about it like I am right now.

In my Bible study, we are plugging along and getting to the end of Philippians. We came to this verse and I think it may be part of the key to how to claim His strength and live greatly. We need to dwell and constantly think about the things of God and things that bring honor to Him in order to stay by His side and not be unconsciously pulling back the ropes. If we are consciously filling our minds with His thoughts maybe our minds would be so busying being useful that they would lose the energy to walk away as they so often do.

Pray for me, dear blog friends, as I pray for you as well! ♥

A Thousand Years.

2011-11-30T23:15:00.001-06:00

Today my heart is hurting for my future husband. I get so lonely for him sometimes. Especially when life gets kinda crazy. It is hard to believe that I have so much love for and have placed so much hope in someone I don't even know the identity of yet. This song actually brought tears to my eyes.

I have loved Christina Perri since "Jar of Hearts." This song clinched the fact that I will have to find her album.

A Way to Live.

2011-11-30T17:13:00.001-06:00

So as I was sitting through a staff meeting that wouldn't seem to end today, I thought of something. Does that ever happen to you? You're there, doing something mundane and all the sudden *poof* you get this thought that effects your perspective.

For me, it was...Sister Act II. Weird huh? There is this part in that movie where Whoopi is talking to an intercity girl about passion. She says something along the lines of....

When you go to bed and the last thing you think about is singing and you wake up and the first thought you have is of singing....You were meant to be a singer.

I am not a singer. But what I took away from that thought was what I could substitute for singing to make the quote apply to me. And a couple things come to mind.

First, is my job. Not that work is the most important thing to me. In fact, I am having a lot of stressful issues and situations at work right now. I don't enjoy it. But you know what I do enjoy? The work I do. At this point in my life I get a great deal of satisfaction from working with my clients. My life is lonely. I make my living right now by going to work and caring for some great and amazing individuals. I really truly love what I do. Even on the worst days, I can go in to my clients' rooms and the day just turns around.

I don't know if I could be happy doing anything else. I am interested in other things. Every so often I toy with the idea of going to school for something computer-y. Like web design or programming. I would someday like to learn more about computers. But I can not imagine going to work and sitting in front of a computer all day. I feel like my life would feel so much more lonely than it does. I mean, the idea of sitting alone and working on a computer and then going home to an empty (and tonight...cold) apartment just doesn't sound good to me!

So for right now, as crazy as life is for me, I love what I do. It is what I wake up to do. It is what makes me so tired I fall asleep quite quickly most nights. It is sometimes stressful. It is back breaking a lot. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I go in the bathroom and cry. But then something happens to remind me why I do what I do and reminds me that I love it. For me, at work it is the little things. I love my clients. I love that I am gaining my coworker's respect and kindness. So the hard moments are always there. Always. But so are the happy moments that bring me so much joy.

I am so thankful that the Lord brought me, kicking and screaming as I was, into the care-giving field. For every moment that brings me to frustrated tears in the bathroom there are ten moments that make me misty with happiness when I think of them. It is a hard job. But I was meant to be a caregiver.

A First Checkmark!

2011-11-29T22:26:00.001-06:00

THE LIST IS DONE!!!!

It took me forever to do. But it was a lot of fun.

I learned a lot about myself.

For example, I am more afraid of giving blood than running a 5k.

Or that a lot of my things were about doing things for others.

Or making me feel more like me.

Writing this crazy long list was such an experience, I can't imagine how cool it will be to get it all done!!

A Project 31 Post {1}

2011-11-29T15:57:00.000-06:00

Entry #1: What Does Beauty Mean to You?

So I had a large amount written for this entry last night. I just deleted it all. For a few reasons. The first being that it would have been the most poorly written post I would have ever published. Last night I was just writing to be writing. I did not feel inspired at all. So I wrote tons of words without actually saying anything.

I am glad I didn't hit publish. I really am. I am not going to say that I had a grand epiphany about the meaning of beauty. I am not an expert on the subject. I am a woman, so I am constantly admiring beauty in others and constantly doubting it in myself.

For so long I have searched and searched for my kinda beautiful. Because I think that is the way it is. Beauty is different to every single person who thinks they have it. One person's beautiful is another person's raised eyebrows. I think that is the way it should be. I don't think people should be critical of other people's style or way of expression or anything...but I think diversity in beauty is great. Beauty is vastly moving and changing as the number of cultures in the world become studied, known and widely seen. I love the US, because it is kind of like a melting pot of style and fashion design. We see fashion influences from all over the world.

But is that what beauty is? Is that what it means to me? Fashion? Fashion and style are only one tiny corner of beauty. True beauty does not come from what you look like, it comes from who you are and what you do with what you have been given in your life. That is what beauty means to me. I am sitting here now in my scrub pants, sweatshirt and ked shoes. And right now, in this moment...today...I am confident that I have that kind of beauty. And right now, in this moment...today...my hair looks like crap! You may see me or people like me out and about. We are tired but we are still going. We face difficulties in our jobs, in our relationships and in our finances...but we persevere. We keep going. We may not always look amazing. Our feet may hurt to much to wear high heeled shoes. Our nails may have chunks of nail polish on them because we wanted to feel pretty one day but are too busy to keep it up. We may be too tired to go out all night. But those things don't make us any less beautiful.

I live paycheck to paycheck and the paychecks are never big enough. I work almost forty hours a week at a high stress job. I have an apartment I have to keep clean. There are dishes to do. There is garbage to take out. And the bills all seem to be due on the same day. I may not have the time to always look amazing on the outside, but I am growing and changing on the inside. I am learning perseverance. I am trying to learn how to live with in my means. I am learning how to be a giving person when all I want is have me time. I am growing in my friendships and discovering how to be an open person. Right now, at this moment in my life, beauty means that in spite of the crazy I still continue to strive to be the person I was meant to be. Beauty means becoming true to myself and who I should be instead of focusing on living up to other people's expectation of beautiful.

Feeling beautiful on the outside is okay. But being beautiful on the inside is everything. And when you are a beautiful person on the inside, you will shine on the outside too. Have you ever seen people like that? You can tell they are happy and content just because they almost have this glow about them. I hope to get there someday. But I like to think I sparkle and flicker sometimes as I am trying my best.

A List....In Progress.

2011-11-27T13:06:00.001-06:00

So as I have been doing some blog hopping, thanks to 20sb, I have noticed that a lot of people have "Bucket Lists" featured on their blogs. It has really inspired me to start my own.

I am going to work on putting together a list of a hundred things that I want to do before I turn 30. Which is in about five years. Not that thirty should be compared to kicking the bucket or anything remotely close!!

But it is an date in the vaguely foreseeable future. And I think, for me...to write a legit "bucket list" of things to do before I die is a little silly. I mean there are things RIGHT NOW that I think I need to do before I die that would totally not make the list in another 20 years. And I want to have a list I can actually FINISH.

I am still working on my list. But here are some things that will NOT be on the list:

Getting married. Yes. I want to get married. But marriage is not something to cross of a list. And I definitely don't want to get to my thirtieth birthday and be all bummed it has not happened yet.
Going to Paris. Want to do. Probably won't.
Eating everything on the McDonald's menu. Okay. Honestly this popped into my head. But it will not, not, NOT be on the list. Because I would not want to have said I have done this. Maybe another restaurant? Hmmm.
Anything that depends on anyone else. Other people have things like "receive a love letter" "have a song written about me" or "have a perfect date". It's not that those things could never happen, but are you actually doing anything on a list of things you are supposed to have done if someone else does them?
Have kiddos. Same as the marriage reasoning.

There are OBVIOUSLY other things that won't make the list...but these are the ones GLARING out to me right now.

And this idea makes me curious....what would be on your "before 30 (or whatever decade you are coming up on) list??

A Hard Lesson in Thankfulness.

2011-11-25T15:05:00.001-06:00

This is going to be a tricky post to write, I wanna put that out there to begin with. I want to illustrate the emotions I have been dealing with...without giving you details I should not. So please don't ask for any details because I can not give them.

Thanksgiving started good enough. WITH A PACKER WIN. HECK YES. 11-0 BABY! Okay, I am done with that. Sorry. I seem to have become a Packer fan this year. After/while the game we had lunch and then just chilled as a family. Hilarity ensued, as it often does.

I was a little bummed out this year because I had to cut the day short and go to work. But that should have been okay. I was going to serve the Thanksgiving meal to my clients as well as go and pick up a client from the other home so he could have a family style meal that wouldn't be offered at the other home. Well, that nice and relaxed night just wasn't to be.

We had an illness at the home that QUICKLY escalated to an emergency which QUICKLY became apparent that it could be life threatening. I took the client to the ER. I have never been to the ER. I have never really personally and 1:1 dealt with an emergency level illness, especially one in a young client and one that seemed to be escalating so fast to me. The client can not use to words to express what is going on. I had to really on seemingly random vocalizations, physical symptoms and appearance. By the time we got to the hospital the client was having trouble breathing on top of the other symptoms presented. Things were somewhat smooth in the ER. MAJOR PROPS go to the nursing staff! They were patient with me and with my client as we were a difficult case from the get-go. I thank God that I have a good relationship and rapport with this client so I was able to answer all of the questions the staff had as well as calm the client down and try to keep spirits high.

I can't give you more details than that, but my clients are like my extended family so last night was very hard for me. It was hard that something we all thought would be minor or an easy fix with the client quickly turned into at least a few days in the ICU. It was stressful, and to me...it was as dramatic as you see on TV.

As I lay on my parent's couch, trying to calm down from all of this it kind of hit me that my list of things I was thankful for had changed throughout the day. On Thanksgiving morning I was dwelling on the temporal....things in my life that I was thankful for. Last night, I became thankful for my life. When you are just living and going along you take advantage of things. I am not going to say that that is bad, because everyone does it and sometimes without even realizing they are doing it. But every once in a while something comes along that throws that in your face. I am thankful that I can verbally communicate my thoughts and feelings. I am thankful that I have a family that loves me. I am thankful that I have friends that tell me I can call whenever, night or day. And I am thankful that I know they will answer. I am thankful that I can eat without assistance and that I know what my limits are. But most of all, I am thankful that I love and worship a God that made me the way I am. Sure, I have a lot of faults...but God made me in a way that with His help I can overcome anything that comes my way.

And for that, I will be eternally thankful.

A New Experience.

2011-11-21T23:14:00.001-06:00

So in the last couple months something pretty great has been going on in my life. I didn't think I would be writing a post like this unless there was a guy involved.

Folks, I have girlfriends!!

Sure, we may not have gotten to the point of applying makeup and putting curlers in our hair together. And I doubt we have perfectly coordinating jammers. But I do see a sleepover in the not so distant future!!

Friendship is a funny thing sometimes. It just kinda pops up when you least expect it. I have known these two loverly ladies for a long time, like years and years and we have only recently really clicked. I mean, I am not a girly-girly girl. I don't really like to sit and talk about boys (Unless, of course, it is a TV boy that is we are just saying is cute or yelling at to actually kiss the darn girl instead of skirting the issue for 3+ seasons now. Silly Castle. Just saying.) But tonight, because my girlfriend knew I had some stuff going on she called me downstairs and we talked at 10:30pm. And then we proceeded to call our third girl and gush on speaker phone about exciting stuff in all our lives. I can honestly tell you all that I have never had those type of friends before. I have never had someone call because they knew I needed to talk. People always gave me time. Or space. And let me deal with stuff. These girls want to help me deal. We are there for each other. I am really enjoying it.

Our biggest similarity are our relationships with Jesus Christ. We talk about our relationship with Him. We support each other and encourage each other to make decisions with Him in mind. I love that. That is the bond, the glue to our friendships. It means the world to me to be able to share that with those girls. I love the time we spend hanging out, but the time we spend studying God's word and and He expects of us is time that I will always treasure.

And yet, the human in me...the girl in me, has doubts. I am not saying this as a jab on my girls. I am not even saying this because they gave me a reason, any reason, to. They did not. I hope they, upon reading this aren't offended. But on my blog I like to be honest and say what is on my mind. I can't help but think that I don't know how to do this. I have (and, well, am) come to the conclusion that I am incredibly bad at relationships. Specifically, trust. I am constantly doubting people. Constantly. Maybe I should not admit that so openly, but I want to be honest about it so I can be held accountable. Sure, I have been deceived and hurt a few times...who hasn't? But I think the root of my distrust is in me. I doubt myself. I think that me doing something to screw things up in any relationship is always just around the corner. What will I say? What will I do? Did I laugh to hard at the wrong thing? I really really need to work on myself and gain confidence. But the devil is constantly in my ear, saying things like "You're not good enough." "Why would anyone want you?" "No one has seen your heart in the past, why would they even like what they see?" "Haha. You think if you give up on this relationship that is not good for you, someone else will come along? Fat chance." "You're not pretty enough." "No one wants to hear about your job. No one cares if you need to talk about it." "Just tell them you are fine. The real answer doesn't matter." "What you are happy about no one else cares about." So it is very very hard for me. I just want people to know that.

This is not the direction I intended this post to go. But now that it is written I am realizing that it is something that has been on my heart and needed to be written. I am very thankful to my girlfriends. I meant this post to be all happy and peppy and thankful to them. I am happy with them. I love to spend time with them. And I truly hope that this post doesn't hit them in a way I don't want it to. I think that this post is, actually, partly because of them. Because I know that they will want to talk about it and will still love me. My being able to say that and know, despite the doubts, that it is true is a huge step for me. This post turned into a post not so much about my girlfriends and more about my life. My struggles. Those voices in my head telling me I am not good enough is the mountain in my life that I am trying to have faith in the Lord to move. Please pray for me. God has given me power to defeat this. To walk away from the evil thoughts and claim the victory He has already attained. But it is so hard.

But God has answered my prayers and given me these girls. He loves me so much. He sees the me the thoughts try (and right now, accomplishing) to squash down into a box in my bottom drawer. I wish I could see that me. I need help to see what God sees in me.

A Tongue-Tied Night.

2011-11-17T23:51:00.001-06:00

So I have been sitting here for most of the night with blogger open, wanting to blog and knowing that I should because it has been a few days. I know, that may seem obsessive...but I really do love doing it.

It's kinda like a Mountain Dew addiction. Maybe you don't "need" it, but go a few days without i and, well, you just feel the need. *sigh* I guess blogging and Mtn Dew are my vices. And Nutter Butter cookies, but I just don't buy those.

Part of me has a lot to say. But the other part of me has enjoyed having a pretty quiet week. I definitely enjoyed having a nice quiet Thursday. Sometimes it is just nice to snuggle down into a quiet evening, do some slow and relaxed cleaning of one's spare room whilst listening to Christmas music (hahaha, yep, I am turning into my father.) and chatting on facebook. It has been nice.

I don't really have a large life. Most days off are pretty quiet. I kinda don't think I am complaining when I say that. My work is really stressful right now, I think I would go insane if I had to go home at the end of the day and have fifty million things going on that evening and on my days off. I really enjoy spending a majority of my day of in my jammers reading and watching old movies. I love relaxed online and texting conversations throughout my day. And lately I have come to look forward to some evening phone calls too. I have become a "small things" girl lately. Sure, I would love to have giant awesome things to tell you about...but sometimes the quiet things are just great too! Most days, particularly my work days, would be considered bad if I had to look at the day as a whole. But when I adorkably excited about small things, those seem to stand out more in my mind. But I can't blog about finding both slippers at the same time. Or that my pancakes actually turned out. Or that my spare 'oom is 97% clean. I mean, of course I could...but that just isn't me. And I think my readership (as limited as that may be) may suffer too.

So I just sit here at 12am and blog about not having anything exciting to blog about while feeling very content about that. It actually struck me. Just now. Right here. As I write. I am really content right now. Yes, there is still crummy stuff in my life. Yes, I still have lessons (some a little painful) to learn. But I can say that right now, after an evening of cleaning and Christmas music...I am happy. I am content.

And now I am tongue-tied. (Titled before I wrote it...had to tie it in somewhere.) But I have said a lot, in my own way. :) Pretty good for now having anything to write about, eh?

A Broken Link.

2011-11-13T19:29:00.001-06:00

Maybe some of you know, but I am currently in some of the worst working conditions that I have ever been in when it comes teamwork and cohesiveness between my coworkers.

It is not fun. But normally, the longest I work with anyone else is like 20 minutes at shift change. So I can deal with it most of the time, you know? I mean, it's always petty.

It is very irritating. I work at a group home and in my months there I have learned that having a home run well is like an intricate dance. There is weaving and bobbing. There is spinning and turning around corners. If someone misses a step another person steps up and makes sure the choreography doesn't get too far behind. If there is one broken link all the other steps fall apart too.

The thing is that there doesn't even need to be an actual broken link. But if enough parts think that there is a weak link they will create one where one doesn't exist. And that will completely mess up the operation of the entire home.

The reason I mention it is that I am kinda the perceived broken link. I am doing nothing wrong. I get my work done. It is sooo frustrating. I am trying to roll with the punches and just keep doing my job while communicating with my bosses about the other things that come up.

I am worried about tomorrow. Tomorrow is a "cleaning day" where a lot of my coworkers are coming in while I am working to assist in cleaning and organizing the home. Which, don't get me wrong, needs to be done. But I hope we can get through the day without me hiding in the bathroom to avoid being verbally beaten up by my coworkers. I know that sounds sissy-ish. But you have to understand what it is like working with all women. It is not fun.

So. Think of me and pray for me in my job. I love, love, LOVE the work I do, but the work environment leaves a lot to be desired for me. It is hard and it is stressful. But God wants me to learn something from all this. I just have to figure out what that is. Which is easier said than done.

Lord, give me patience!!

A Few Things About Being a Girl.

2011-11-12T17:53:00.001-06:00

Today I have spent a lot of time feeling like a moron for doing something I probably shouldn't have done. It was girly and it was silly and I blew it out of proportion in my own mind. Funny how things seem to snowball when you have nothing to do except think about them!

I am twenty four years old. I should not be doing those types of things in the first place. Worse, I should not be sitting here all day worrying about what the other person will think of what I said. I am not a girl. I am a woman.

Or am I?

Will I ever completely get over my girly ways? Should I apologize for them?

I feel like for so long I have squashed those girly girl things down into a box for later. But now I am beginning to fear that when later comes I will scare some guy away because I am soooo girly and juvenile.

I am twenty four. I have never been in a serious relationship. I have never gotten to the hand-holding stage, let alone getting kissed. I know, I probably shouldn't be advertising that. But I just want the world to know that I have NO IDEA how these things are supposed to go. I feel like and am afraid that there is some rule book out there that all the happy girls have and secretly wave around whilst laughing at lonely girls like me. I know that probably isn't true. But it feels true. It really does.

I have been thinking of ways to explain the crazy things that I sometimes do. I was really intending for this post to be a list of funny anecdotes about being a girl. But it has turned into something else. I think I am okay with that though. I am obviously not an expert on being a girl. At least a well rounded one. I think any anecdotes I could share would just apply to me. I already revealed myself to be a NBK girl, not sure how much more I want revealed in one post!!

Stereo-typically, like on TV shows and whatnot, guys are portrayed to be the "dense" ones. Like their significant others are non-verbally insinuating things or just expecting their man to KNOW. And their man doesn't know. In my experience, women don't know either. We want to be told that we are pretty, that we are cared for and that we are valued. If we (I...again, not sure if this is for everyone) are not told, we will doubt all of those facts. And we sit there and dwell on it sometimes. That is just the way it is. Sometimes what people are not saying speak way louder than what they are. We (I) try to read between the lines and try to figure out what they "MEAN" by what they say instead of hearing what they ARE saying.

What is really hard, as a Jesus-girl, is to find my value in Christ alone when I want so desperately to be cared for and valued by others. I know that my Jesus loves me enough to die for my sins. I know that He looks at me and sees His bride, beautiful and dressed in white. He doesn't see my faults and my blemishes. I should be able to look at myself and see myself that way. But somehow it is so hard for me because it feels like others don't see me that way. It is getting easier for me. I have some close friends now that I am growing to trust with my actual heart, not the heart that everyone sees. Trust is scary, but my God asks it of me. Not only do I need to trust Him, but I need to trust the people He has put in my life. Loving people is easy. Trust, for me, is hard. I don't know if that has to do with being a girl or with just being a human, but it is my heart speak today.

This video is of a song on the new Casting Crowns CD, which I wholeheartedly recommend to you! The whole song is spectacular, but this song is standing out to me right now and really speaking to my heart. I have listened to it so much. For me, it is one of those songs that I will never get sick of hearing. It is one of those songs that may still bring tears to my eyes on some days. I guess I just want to share it with you because of some of the things I have talked about in this post. And because it is just plain beautiful to think about and consider what it will be like when we are how Christ sees us.

A Heart Song.

2011-11-10T01:00:00.002-06:00

It is 12:30am, so I don't really know why I am writing a blog entry. But I have something on my heart so here goes.

Tonight on the CMA Awards they had a segment honoring Glen Campbell. It wasn't anything super duper life-changing, just three country stars singing his songs...but what struck me is that every time the cameras went on Mr. Campbell he was singing along. I know that doesn't seem like anything groundbreaking.

But Glen Campbell has Alzheimer's.

In my very limited experience with Alzheimer's Disease I have learned a few things. First and foremost in everyone's mind (and justifiably so) is the fact that Alzheimer's ravages the mind and completely changes the lives of the patient and their family. It is a horrible disease that I am now seeing the effects of on a more firsthand level in my own family. And let me tell you....it is very very hard.

The caregiver in me can really really appreciate an Alzheimer's patient though. Yes. It is still insanely demanding, but when you are "in the biz" you have to focus on the positives that are there. You have to or you will go insane.

That, if I may pause here a second, is a spoonful of advice that I would give to family members of a patient with Alzheimer's. Focus on the positive. Your loved one, if diagnosed with Alzheimer's, will inevitably become a stranger to you. It isn't just that they may not recognize you...the person you knew and loved will never be the same person. You will not really know them. Get to know them...get to love them as they are, not as they once were or who you want them to be. The soul, the heart of the person you love is in this "new person." It is just going to take effort and time to learn how to see it again.

Anyways, back to why I am up so late (early??) writing. One of the positives that I have seen in my work with patients with dementia and Alzheimer's is something that I like to call a "heart song." A heart song is kind of a phenomenon (there may actually be a term for it...I just don't know what it is) that can happen when a person has dementia. The patient may not remember their name, their children or their own reflection in the mirror. I have worked with people like that. But I think (hypothesis?? sounds clinical almost!) that most people have this one thing that has become so ingrained into who they were that it is natural when they are asked to do it now. Even with dementia. One day at one of my jobs, I was running an activity for the clients. We were putting together floral arrangements. I was sitting with the "difficult cases" to try to help direct them. Imagine my surprise when one of those clients knew exactly what to do! She just did it. And she helped others. I also think of the charactor in The Notebook, who could play songs on the piano without the music and didn't even know what she was doing. Or retired, elderly doctor's who still know what to do when they are called upon or witness an emergency. Or Glen Campbell, singing along with his songs tonight.

I don't know much about Mr. Campbell's history or prognosis with the disease, but seeing him on that award show tonight got me thinking, "What is MY heart song?" Is there something, anything in my life that I would want to be one of the only things that were natural to me?? Right now it would probably be care-giving. Is that what I want to completely define who I am? It is "noble" and you bet your bottom dollar that I am darn proud of the work I do, but for me, work is work. I never want to get to the fact where I am defined by my work. I am getting close to that and I don't like it.

I want my relationship with Jesus to be my heart song. I want that, at the end of the day, to be the only thing I can do "well." I want to have such kinship with my Savior that if someday my mind is gone, I will never forsake Him, even for a moment. I am not at that point right now. At least, I don't think so. Leave it to the CMA Awards and Glen Campbell to convict me of that!

Please pray for me!! I am returning the blessing, friends! I do, I pray for you as my readers. Please let me know if there is anything specific!

A Challenge.

2011-11-08T21:55:00.003-06:00

I need to make some changes to my life.

Changes that include eating more of the stuff in that picture.

I am really excited about that.

Can't you tell?

Actually, I am starting to kinda get into the planning.

But I am too exhausted to really muster the energy to actually express that.

You can tell I am tired when I write in sentences like this.

Anyway.

So I have been doing the Made to Crave Bible study with my girls.

(I have "girls"...that is cool)

And this week Lysa TerKeurst talked about the fact that it is vital to pre-plan your meals.

That is what I have been working on tonight.

Gathering recipes. For yummy healthy food.

Tomorrow I will make a shopping list up.

I guess I want you all tonight that I am actively planning.

I am going to start trying.

I need to make some changes.

I do. I need to be healthy.

Maybe I am sick because I eat garbage.

I need to, well, not eat garbage.

I want to be healthy.

I want to be confident.

I want to like the way that I look.

It's not that I don't now.

It's just that I know that I am putting bad stuff in my body.

And I think I see that when I look in the mirror.

I want to change that.

More than anything else, I want to not see garbage.

I want to see courage. Victory. Strength. Beauty in achievement. Joy in growing.

And everything that comes with it.

A Movie List

2011-11-06T00:02:00.000-05:00

I told a friend tonight that I would make her a list of faith based films that I love and I thought maybe you would enjoy the list too. :)

Though None Go with Me

The Ultimate Gift

The End of the Spear

The Last Sin Eater

Amazing Grace

One Night with the King

To Save a Life

A Few Differences.

2011-11-05T15:54:00.002-05:00

So I think I have been out on my own for SIX MONTHS now! Isn't that cool?!? I think so. I am sitting here thinking about what I would tell someone thinking of living on their own and I would like to share some things with you.

Life is pretty good. It is nice coming home at the end of a hard or long day at work and just being able to relax. It is nice being able to watch whatever I want to watch or listen to whatever I want to listen too. It is nice not having to worry about whether I can wear my sweats all day or not.

Life is also lonely. I have a couch that I love now, a big beautiful couch. It is funny how it looks even bigger when I am lonely.

While I don't literally scream because of running into people (or dogs) in the middle of the night anymore....there are lots more creepy noises and things that go bump in the night. I can get pretty jumpy being alone all time.

I used to love thunderstorms. Now I am afraid of them. I partially blame the fact that I finally got around to watching Twister earlier this year. And the bad, tree falling storms we have had an abundance of this year. Anyway, thunderstorms and windstorms are not fun for me anymore. Which sometimes does make sad.

I can't blame anyone else for leaving things on the floor for me to trip on.

There is no one to clean up for. Which means I spend a lot of time cleaning. I know that doesn't make sense. But if there was someone else around I would be able to KEEP things in order...with no one else around, well. I just make bigger messes before I clean up, lol. Just keepin' it real for you guys. :)

All in all, I do like my place. I wish it could be further from the football field, but otherwise I love my place. I like living alone all in all. But sometimes the lonely thing feels like a bigger deal. Not always, but sometimes. I can't really tell if I am lonely for a friend or roommate or if having my own "home" makes me lonely for the husband that God hasn't given me yet. I am not sure.

Well, for now, I am going to take a nap. It's not like anyone is around to care. ;)

A Well Placed Rant.

2011-11-04T16:05:00.002-05:00

Okay, I need to let off some steam.

I am hoping that there is a chance that I could educate you and move you to advocacy at the same time.

Most of you, my lovely readers, know that I work with adults with special needs. There are a great many, many challenges that come with my job.

I am irritated to no end when those challenges are exacerbated by a society that has YET to fully embrace the needs of those who try to live life among us with special needs. They can not walk. They can not see. They can not use the bathroom without assistance. They struggle being a part of the community they live in SIMPLY because they can not get around in their community.

First, I want to talk about physical barriers that are still rampant in the community I live in. There are furniture stores that have items so close together people with wheelchairs can't get around in the store. And that is only AFTER they somehow pop up the step to get into the store. There are customer service representatives that need to be told to direct their questions to the person in the wheelchair, instead of their caregiver. There are numerous fast food restaurants that are almost completely inaccessible to individuals with power chairs who may be able to get around on their own if it were possible to actually GET INTO the facility. There are communities that end bus lines seemingly without considering that there are individuals who can not drive that are still trying very hard to volunteer and take part in their community. That may no longer be an option if the bus disappears. {Side Note: I am just stating a fact here. I can see the budgetary benefits to the decision to end the bus line on this side of town, but I wish the community leaders had the foresight to offer other options for these people. I only know one. But I would love to see numbers on bus riders with special needs and if the community that I live in is willing to step up and assist them with transportation so that they may continue to take an active roll in their town and their lives. The best way to do this? KEEP THE BUS RUNNING.} Believe it or not I could go on and on with issues that only my clients have faced while I was there. I can't imagine how many more issues are out there that I am unaware of. I don't think I want to imagine it.

As I ending to my rant I want to inform or remind you that we see you. I am very very concious about how people out there in the community treat my people or people like them. People with special needs are NOT stupid. They do not have walls going around them that block out the eye rolls, the sneers and the general looks of disgust. I am not accusing anyone reading this of that kind of behavior. I want you to know that it HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. Every time I go out with my clients I see it. I hope and pray to God that they don't, but I know they sometimes do and that breaks my heart more than anything else in my life right now. I work very very hard every day that I go to work to ensure that these people have a quality of life that I would want. I foster learning, independence and social interaction every time I go to work. I am not just a caregiver. I am a teacher. I am a friend. I have to tell it like it is. I really, really, REALLY value my clients. They are the only reason I love my job right now and sometimes I just loathe taking them out because of how they are treated. If they were kept in the home they would be safe from stupid people. No. Not stupid people. Ignorant. Ignorant people. People that don't realize that despite the many difficulties that these people face they have made the choice to be apart of the community they live in. They are individuals just like you and me. On the inside they have the same difficulties that we do. They desire love. They desire acceptance. They desire autonomy. They desire fun. They desire everything that we could ever want. But when they get up in the morning instead of rolling out of bed with only the alarm clock to complain about they may need direction, assistance or absolute care to get up. Get dressed. Shower. Use the bathroom. Eat. Put their coat on. Get in the van. Buckle up. Things that we do without thinking are part of a long and involved process for them.

It seriously, seriously gets my goad when I see people treat my people the way they sometimes do. When I look at my personal life I see a lot of things that I want that I don't have and may never get. I struggle being happy in my life sometimes. I have trouble being alone. I get scared of things like storms and traffic accidents. I don't want to die alone. I want to have a job that I love and is fulfilling and pays the bills. People with special needs may struggle with those same wants, needs and fears. I will always respect them for living full lives when they do. I will admire them forever for trying to be a part of their community. I will thank them until the day I die for letting me be a part of their success, if I am...even in some small way.

Let's think about the small ways we can be a part of the success of others. A community is kind of like a flower garden. There is the dirt. There is the seed. There is the rain. There is the sun. There is the watering can. There is the scarecrow. There is the gardener. As members of our community we have a role. We have a place that we fit. We are connected to the people around us whether or not we want to be or have time. It doesn't take much. If you see someone being cruel or rude, make an effort to be kind to the object of their meanness. If you see a person in a wheelchair struggling to get through a door, help them. If you see anyone who can't reach something...try to assist them. Burst your self awareness bubble. (Totally different than a personal space bubble...I promise.) So often in my schooling the focus was on Self awareness and working on yourSelf to benefit yourSelf. I say "POP THAT BUBBLE." Open your eyes to what is going around you. Maybe right now you disagree with some things that I said. But I promise that if you really think about what I am saying and you try to become more aware...you will see the dirt because it is there.

Please try to change the world you live in. You may not be able to change whole world but maybe, just maybe you can change one person's world for one day. And for that person, that day...it could just be enough.

A Word Search

2011-11-02T21:08:00.000-05:00

I have had the start of November that has made me search for words.

Or say too much.

And lucky me. I only have 28 days to find 50,000 of the right words.

NaNoWriMo ain't looking good, ya'll.

And I am frustrated because I am not feeling writing on the laptop.

So will have to either hand write or write with my desktop, which can be a pain.

Yay.

November, get better please.

I am trying to like you, but you are making it hard.

A Bad Month.

2011-10-31T23:01:00.002-05:00

I haven't been a fan of October this year.

There has been one really good thing about this month, but that is my little secret. :)

But as a whole, I have felt like the little pumpkin in that picture. Like something was eating me and I couldn't quite tell what it was.

I fell on my face with budgeting. Like seriously, I really messed up. It really opened my eyes to opening my eyes and using my brain while spending money. I have worked out a budget and a plan for next month and the foreseeable future. I am determined that this will never happen again. And you know, the thing is that I have to get this in line. Not only for me but for my future. I am being honest about this because I really like my blog to be about life as a twenty something single girl who is trying to get her feet on the ground. While I am trying to get my feet on the ground I trip up sometimes. This is one of those times. I am learning as I go sometimes, this area has been a challenge for me but I am committed to succeeding in every area of my life. It's been hard now that I have the apartment. Not only do I have to write a horribly painful rent check every month, but it is really hard because when I am shopping I see cute things for the apartment and I really want to buy the cute things for the apartment. I need to get better at not doing that. And I will, I know I will. It's just a hard lesson to learn, you know?

Also, for about a week this month I thought I was going to go back to school to be a nurse. We got a discount from work on school and the signs were all up and saying "Dude, you don't want to be working here forever...call us, call us, call us." or "Dude, today was bad bad bad at work. Call us." So I did. And I was entranced by how the school treated me. I was entranced by someday being a nurse. I was entranced by the chance at more money. And, oddly enough, I was entranced by the thought of being in school again. I had convinced myself I was okay with waiting another two years for anything that I wanted to happen to happen. I had convinced myself I was okay with going into debt. I got really excited. Really excited. And then...I fell on my over hopeful face. (Lots of face plants this month, lol!) It turns out the school I was looking at was rather unconventional...they admit 12 people ONLY per quarter and then you go through the ENTIRE program with the same 12 people. Which means part time is not an option and there is zero flexibility with it at all. So in order to do it, I would have to quit my job and take EVERYTHING out in loans. I am 24 years old. That is not something I am willing to do. Especially when I am hoping not to have to work full time forever. It just doesn't make sense for me to do it. I know, you are probably thinking I jumped the gun with getting excited!! But a life without possibility feels pretty bleak. And for bit my life did feel that way. Working hurt. It felt dead ended. It felt menial. I just felt like some care-giving robot. I got over that, thank goodness. It is still hard sometimes. It is. But it is because it is hard, just because of the challenges that it presents on a client basis and coworker basis. But I love what I do. I love working with my clients. I really do.

And, on another point. Please don't tell me my job is hard. Please don't tell me you don't know how I do it. Please don't tell me you could never do it. Please don't tell me to not get overworked. Please do not tell me you need to pray for me more because my life is so demanding. It is my life. I chose it. I am trying really hard to love to. But people, you guys telling me ALL THE TIME how hard and demanding it is....makes it very hard. Going to work everyday is my life right now. I don't have a husband. I don't have babies. I don't have pets. I only have cactus'. And they are somewhat okay with being sometimes neglected. I DON'T HAVE DEMANDS OUTSIDE OF WORK, IT IS OKAY TO HAVE A DEMANDING JOB. My job asks a lot of me, but I love what I do so I am willing to step up. Yes, sometimes I may complain about working a lot. Tell me it will be okay. Yes, sometimes I may become painfully exhausted. Just be there for me. Don't tell me to work less. Most of the time that is not an option. Don't tell me to be sure to get some rest or slow down, because sometimes I don't have time.

I really need the support of the people in my life. But I need the right kind of support. Point me towards the positive and towards hope. Try not to let me dwell on how bad things may look at the time. Put in a dvd of The Office and let me laugh. Make me get dressed up and go to the mall or something. You can listen to me vent if I need to but please remind me that I have a great God that will get me through this (whatever "this" happens to be at the time) and that He won't give me more than I can do with His help. And I can do anything with Him, you know?

That was most of October, just kind of discouraging and humbling. I haven't been blogging a lot because it is just hard when I have been in such a funk. I am coming out of it with the help of some friends! I laughed until I cried with some girls the other night...I haven't had so much fun in a long time! I treasure the few true friendships that I have after what has proven to be a tough, tough few months in that department. God brings me what I need, when I need it. I am so thankful. So, so very thankful.

Funny, I wasn't expecting this blog post to end that way. :)

A Crazy Goal!!

2011-10-29T10:13:00.002-05:00

If you are coming here from facebook, you know the "what?" on NaNoWriMo, a little further on in this entry will be the "why would she want to do that?"

I am not sure how many years NaNoWriMo has been around, but I know that I have tried to do it two years and fell on my literary face. The goal of nanowrimo (capitalization gets annoying sometimes!) is to write 50,000 words in a novel in November. Thirty measly days hath November. It features an online community with some local events...unfortunately my "local" events are in Rhinelander so I won't make it to many, if any, of them. I will be able to log details from my novel and update the number of words on the website as well as potentially link up with other writers on the website or twitter or maybe through my blog.

And now to the "Why would she want to do this?" part. I have considered myself a "writer" for a long time. I love to write and I love the thought of reaching people with my writing. But all I have to show for my dear love of writing is this blog. And while I do totally see this blog as a great accomplishment for me, I am to the point where I want to take the next step. As I said, I have attempted nanowrimo in the past and failed miserably, but this year for the first time I feel like I am up for the challenge. I just have my job right now. I am not in school or interning and there is very little else to distract me from my writing. And yes, I realize that this novel will probably never be published...know that I am not going into this naive and disillusioned. But even if all this gets is a chance to take up room on a shelf in my apartment I will I have proved to myself that I CAN DO IT. If I can write a novel in a month, who is to say that I could not come out with a better, more finished product if I gave myself more time to plan, write and polish?

I am really excited about it this time around! I have a good idea in my mind of the direction I would like the novel to go, but only time will tell if my typing fingers follow suit!

I will still be blogging regularly during this time. Don't worry, it won't all be nanowrimo related! Because, as I said on facebook, what better break from writing than...more writing! There will be an update on word number on the bottom of any blog entry I post though, just to let you know I am still doing it! :)

An Unspoken Gratitude.

2011-10-26T20:11:00.001-05:00

Last week a friend from high school was killed in a car accident.

I didn't find out until yesterday.

Matt and I didn't keep in touch.

There are reasons for that.

But he is a special part of my memories.

Matt accepted me into his group of friends.

We were an odd bunch.

I was a confused slacker.

Laura was an amazing student.

Kelly was going to be a nurse someday.

Dani was also an overachiever. And a rocking Clarinetist.

And Gary? Gary was just Gary. :)

We LOVED Lord of the Rings.

We went to midnight showings.

We even once watched a LOTR movie and then a Star Trek movie.

In the same day.

We would sit on the floor of the commons during lunch.

In a doorway of the auditorium.

We would sometimes get yelled at for this.

But we were hardcore rebels.

So they gave up on trying to make us move.

We may not have talked for a really long time.

But I will always think about him as my friend.

He was my friend.

I don't know if I ever thanked him for that.

I wish I had.

I really, truly wish I had.

I have been thinking a lot about high school since I heard.

A lot about the things I wanted to have done.

A lot about the things I hadn't worked hard enough on.

All the words I didn't say.

All the times I didn't defend myself.

And the times I let my friends do it for me.

I even thought about the first day of high school.

When I realized the harassment didn't stay in Jr. High.

When I was crying in the corner and a guy from church came and helped me up.

I think a lot about that girl I was.

I seem to dwell on her. A lot.

But this week I have been thinking about the people who were her friends.

When she was enduring some pretty sucky stuff.

Like really bad, that she doesn't even want to share with her blog friends.

But that girl? She had friends.

They were on the floor with her.

In the corner of the commons.

By the auditorium door.

And this girl?

This girl is going to make an effort to thank those friends.

Before she can't anymore.

Not being remembered when I am gone is one of my greatest fears.

Matt, I will always remember you.

Thank you for being my friend.

An Alternate Reality.

2011-10-22T21:40:00.001-05:00

This weekend I took a trip to the state capital. It was an experience. I spent a little time feeling sorry for myself. I even commented to my aunts, "dang, I should have done better in high school if this is what college could have been like!!" The campus down there was pretty cool...came right down to the water. And I was still in awe of the town too...the architecture, the history and the "vibe". I started to think of how my life could have turned out.

But then when I went on an evening Starbucks run (omygosh...Salted Caramel Frappe! TRY IT.) And the vibe had changed a bit. The protesters were going at it full force down the street. There were people lined up to get into bars. And I was not completely comfortable being alone. (Mother...if you are reading this, it was well lit and I resisted the urge to walk to the ice cream place on State Street or go back to see the Frank Lloyd Wright building at night. Just so you know, lol)

And as I laid in bed last night I had to thank God. Now, I wasn't grateful that I wasn't a good student. I still wish almost every day that I had been better in school so that I could be doing something more advanced than I am now and will be doing for the foreseeable future. (Still love my job, just saying.) But God did use that to my advantage, He kept me out of situations that could have drastically impacted my lifestyle in a time when I was not committed to my relationship with Him. When I was 18, I would have loved to live in a town like Madison. And I can not even imagine what messes I could have gotten into while there.

So while I definitely wish that I had made different choices with my life, I am able to see that God has had His hand on my life regardless. It has been a regret filled week for me as far as education goes...and going to Madison really shed some light on what my life could have been like. It makes me thankful for where I am now! Not that I still don't want to do more with my life in the career realm if God opens that door, but for now it is kinda slammed in my face. This weekend helped me accept that.

But at the same time, I feel like what I am doing now is what I was born to be doing...I would be laughing in a different direction if I had gone to a swanky college and still ended up doing what I do.

I guess my point is that God has had His hand on my life and I love to be reminded of that!

PS: the picture is of Monona Terrace, which is pretty much the coolest building I have ever seen. It was for sure the high point of the trip for me. :)

An Autumn Wind.

2011-10-17T00:16:00.003-05:00

I literally have just a couple minutes before my laptop runs out of oomph for the night.

Which is probably good...considering I have to be up in less than five hours.

I can't sleep.

I hate when that happens.

It is probably partly because of the coffee I drank at work tonight.

But mostly because of the wind that seems to be rattling my little apartment to the bone.

I have said before that I am not a fan of weather since I moved out of my parent's house.

I don't seem to be outgrowing that uneasy-ness.

I am reminded that I am alone when rain, storms or even just wind assault my windows.

I don't like that feeling.

But I don't know how to change it.

I guess I just want you to know

That if the big, bad wolf huffs and puffs and blows my home in...

I was laying in bed.

Awake.

Expecting it to happen.

A Reaction.

2011-10-16T00:55:00.001-05:00

A couple days ago I bought a book from the local Christian bookstore. It was a complete impulse buy...I went in there to buy a CD that doesn't come out until next week...go figure, eh?

Well, when I got home I started this blog post about how I buy non-fiction books on Christian living like I do workout clothes. Yes, both things may be things that I need. But both things are items that, if I was going to be honest, may not actually get used.

The book was called "The Resolution for Women" by Priscilla Shirer. It is the women's version of a book written to expand on the principles that were brought to light in the movie "Courageous." I had not seen the movie when I bought the book. It just looked like a good book. One that I "should" read.

Today I saw the movie. That book has turned into a book I WILL read, starting as soon as I am done typing this blog entry. But more than inspire me to read immediately a book I may have gotten to eventually, this movie has filled me with a prayerful heart.

I know that I have probably mentioned that I pray for my future husband. Truthfully, I pray for my future husband when it brings comfort to me. I don't faithfully do it. I pray for him when I feel lonely. When my heart feels a little bit broken. When I desire nothing more than to have him sitting next to me on the couch laughing at me as I cry my eyes out while watching "The Notebook" again. I can tell you honestly that I love that man, whoever he is. I can not wait to be writing the occasional late night blog post while he is sleeping in the next room. :)

"Courageous" has shown me that I am not doing enough as a future wife. I sit here alone and hope and pray that I am the right kind of woman for him. I pray that I am able to submit, love and support him as much as he needs me to. Until tonight I have never considered how hard his role in our marriage and future family will be. That sounds silly, even to type it out. I know. So quite literally I have been praying for God to help me to be the woman to support the man without even acknowledging how much support he will need to lead and guide our future life and family in a way that will bring glory to God and draw us closer to Jesus as every day goes by.

I don't know what I was expecting when I went to the movies tonight. I am a single woman with only hope as her prospects going to see a movie on Godly fatherhood. I just wanted to do what I normally want to do when I go to a movie by myself...escape from life and its tough stuff for a little awhile. I went away with so much more than an "escapism" view. I am dedicating time to pray for my future husband and pray that God turns him in a man who will make good decisions, love me no matter what dumb things I do and ceaselessly delight in and never tire of being proud of any future children when may have. Folks, he has a tough job ahead of him...he will have to live with me!! :)

I also learned that being "good enough" at anything isn't good enough. Yes, that is something I have learned before. But I never realized how I had given up control of my life to the things that happened in it. I have been learning some hard lessons in the last couple weeks. My life has been so good over the past few months. Instead of continuing in my contentment and not letting how others saw me dictate how I looked at my life...I thought I needed to take steps to change it. Those ideas didn't work out. When I told someone, she emailed me back saying that I shouldn't get discouraged, there was always a window open somewhere. I read that email again before writing this blog entry and as I write this I am wondering if is the windows here...here in my two bedroom apartment. I need to be content with the life that I have. Because right now, in the season of life that I am in...it is what God has given me.

As I look through the lists of resolutions in the book I just purchased I am realizing that these principles are missing from my life. Yes, I may "believe" in all of them and think they are good ideas...but I need to take control of this things and consciously make decisions to prioritize them in my heart, my life and my actions. So pray for me.

And friends? Pray for my future hubby if you think about...he doesn't know what he is in for!! :) But I have faith that God is turning us both into the people we will be when we do finally meet. We'll fit. He will be just as crazy as me...I think. :)

A Big FAT Lie.

2011-09-30T00:06:00.000-05:00

I like optical illusions. I like them because they show that there is more to things than how they look when you first see them.

I have been coming to terms with something as I sit here on my couch being wholly and utterly non-productive tonight. That is not entirely true when I look in the mirror.

When I look in the mirror in the morning and I see myself as fat or as having an ugly day...my day gets bad somehow. I question the clothes I wear. I question the way I style my hair. I question whether or not to put a few extra minutes into putting on lotion or make up (which, ironically, only happens when I am already feeling cute). I question the plans I have made. I question the stores I will go to.

It's not that I dig a hole for myself and hide all day, but it is kind of like I am looking at life through a peephole instead of opening the door and walking into my own life with full force. How I see what I look at in the mirror has an impact on me for the rest of the day, whether I know it is happening or not.

I am not going to go on some "the mirror is evil" rant. I am not going to blame the mirror. I am not going to lie to myself anymore. I am not going to pretend I am completely okay in my own skin. Right now, tonight, I choose to blame myself. I am overweight because I have been lazy and because I take great comfort in eating yummy food.

On Sunday I saw a friend who has been on a huge weightloss journey. We talked about it for awhile. She understood. She talked about me loosing weight. But she also told me how beautiful I was. I don't think she knew how special that was for me. I don't get told that I am beautiful or pretty. I am just not one of those girls that just oozes charm and beauty, I am more quirky and plucky so I get that. But even quirky and plucky wants to know they are beautiful. I can't help but think that if people don't see me as beautiful now, what's the point of trying to loose weight? All I want is for people to love me for who I am now and have that love inspire me to change and to be better. And then, as I am trying they cheer me on on good days and they lift me up and let me vent on the bad days. They don't ask me if I am sure I want seconds. They don't make me feel guilty about icecream. They don't ask me if I worked out every day of the week. They are just friends and family of a girl who is trying to get better.

But I guess, what I have been thinking about in my funk this week, is that I need to love myself...completely love myself as the woman God created me to be. That love, and God's love, is what should be encouraging me to change and to make myself better. If you have been following my blog for awhile you probably know that there have been posts like this before.

My struggle with my weight has been a huge hurt in my life. It is like a constant ache. It isn't always like "ACK! I can't move...it hurts so." But it is always there. And then there is the tumultuous roller coaster of trying . I try. I do. I succeed. I fail. I concede. I do it all over again. And that hurts even more sometimes. Like, this is something I NEED TO DO and I can't even do it right!?! And then the self doubt just gets worse. I am 24 years old. I am pretty certain I am too old to ride on roller coasters.

So I am getting off. Starting right now. I am getting off of the roller coaster and walking through the door of my life. I am done living they lie that I am content how I am. Maybe some people are content being overweight, but this has been the one boulder in the middle of my road to happiness. It's not okay for me to continue as I am. So I am going to work my butt off to change. It is going to be hard. I am going to cry. And, man alive, will my body hurt.

But I am going to change.

A Difficult Day.

2011-09-25T22:08:00.000-05:00

If I was lucky enough to live by a lake and if it wasn't pouring rain like it was today I would be doing what the girl in the picture is doing. Just sitting by the water and thinking.

Today was hard for me. Yesterday I called someone out on hurting me and betraying my confidence and today I had to go to church and maybe see that someone. I am not going to go into details, but "betraying my confidence" kinda covers it. When I told that person that I was hurt and upset by what had been said all that I got in return were defensive words.

I was not looking forward to seeing that person at church today. As I was driving in, it felt like I was going to a funeral of a friendship that had done a lot to make my summer as good as it was. I didn't know what to expect from this person. I didn't know if they would be mad. Or bitter. Or defensive. Part of me wanted them to walk up and tell me how sorry they were and that they hoped we could rectify the situation. But the bigger part of me knew better. All in all, I just felt alone. Very, very alone.

And then we started to worship. I was not in the mood. I was dwelling on mistakes, big mistakes, that I have made and feeling the sting of yet another recent hurt. I was really, really self absorbed and that...as you may know...is NOT a good attitude for worship. Sometimes it is hard for me to go to church. I feel like it is hard to not feel loved by Christians than to sit alone and live my life alone. I feel like my "alone-ness" is highlighted in my heart on Sunday mornings and I hate that. I don't regret the decisions that I have made in friendships that were not good for me. I still feel happy and confident, but sometimes I just want other people to see me and love me as who I am, right now.

Well, anyways, this new song came on and I really want to share it with you.

That song, and other things that happened today reminded me that Christ is all I need. I should be utterly and completely satisfied with Him alone. That is hard for me to think about right now, where I am now. It is hard to sit here after having a hard day and just be alone. It is hard to hear the clock ticking and know that nothing will interrupt that sound. I love Jesus, but I still feel alone. I want to be able to stop at "I love Jesus." I desperately want to get to that point. I need to. In order to complete my confidence and happiness in my life, I need to get to that point. I don't want to be alone. I mean, I want to be content where I am. Maybe I will still be alone, but I want to get to the point in my walk with Christ where I don't feel alone.

Pray for me.

PS: See the lyrics here: All I Have is Christ

An Impulse.

2011-09-24T00:43:00.000-05:00

Last week I did something impulsive.

I got a second job.

Crazy. I know.

I got it for all the right reasons. It is "low stress" (compared to my day job), the money won't hurt and, well, the main thing is that I have been feeling really burnt out at my job. I love it, I really do, but it is very hard. It is emotionally and physically demanding.The stress was like this added weight for me that I was always carrying around. A lot of extra luggage when I currently am not going anywhere! And because I don't do much besides work it is hard to, I don't know, decompress from that stress.

So I looked at the things I could do. I could volunteer for a non-profit...but that could add emotional stress. I could take up obsessive knitting...but I can't exactly use that as an excuse when my day job boss wants me to work more than I do. So I got a job. I will be working three nights a week for now. I really want to do two, but they won't let me.

Right now I feel overwhelmed. I enjoy both jobs, but I am a little afraid that simultaneously they will get tough. I KNOW that I can do the work. I mean, it's been less than two years since I graduated college and was working three jobs while being a full time student. I couldn't have lost my stamina that quickly!! I was thinking this duel job thing would be permanent, but now that I am ALREADY feeling overwhelmed it is at least my goal to work through the holidays. Who knows, maybe this is preparing me for some awesome volunteering opportunity this spring. Or maybe working so much will prepare me for the realization of my goal to be a home manager. I really did jump into this, but I am trying not to regret it...ask me that again in a few months.

All I know is that God is faithful, even when it looks like I am stupid. Or impulsive. But the thing is that we don't sit around stewing about what God wants us to do. At least we shouldn't. As long as something doesn't directly go against what God's Word says, it is okay. And right now, I needed something. I don't feel like it is the right time to go into ministry of some kind...not because it would not be glorifying to God if I was to jump into that and then not be able to continue because of my job. I don't think there is anything wrong with glorifying God through my job. Or, well, jobs now...I guess. And like I said, working more could prepare me to be able to serve God in and throughout the demands of ministry.

We shall see where He takes me!

A Journal.

2011-09-23T00:18:00.000-05:00

The last couple days I have been thinking a lot about my life.

Not HUGE life changing things.

But those little moments in my life that I can not exactly remember anymore.

Like today, when I saw one of my deceased grandfather's best friends at the grocery store and he was excited to see me and he laughed at me when I wasn't 100% sure who he was at first...he gave me a big hug and just made my day.

As I wander around my apartment cleaning things up tonight I have been thinking about all of the moments like that, moments that have completely turned my days or even weeks around for the better that I do not remember.

It makes me think that I should start a journal that I write in every day, just talking about my day and things that happened in it. I have this for my huge blabbing, but some day I want something tangible that I can look back on or show my maybe babies and say "Hey, this was my life." And hey, it definatly helps that I have a drawer full of journals that are just dying to be written in. I am the kinda girl that obsessively buys journals because they are cute and then, well, I don't write in them and they just sit thee and look cute.

Well, no more. I am a journal girl now. Maybe. I think.